Asking the Existential Questions: Am I Michael Scott?

On Friday I received a rejection email to another one of my half-assed applications. As with every rejection, I rolled it around my brain, asking 'Why didn't they pick me?' It's a kind of entitled mindset: I think that just because I have good intentions, of course I should get the position. But how can I expect to be handed things on a platter when everybody else has a collection of credentials, experience and references under their belt. Meanwhile, I've written a one-sentence application that I've convinced myself represents my personality, as per usual. Upon reflection, I've realised that throughout both private school and medical school, I have never once fully gotten professionally involved, taken up responsibility or done the work for the right reasons. I've always had the mindset that it's not my thing, it's not my crowd - but how can it not be my thing or my crowd if it's my life-long career?

What I've always been though, is present. I am never the organiser, but I am always the entertained. I am always present to say something completely inappropriate, prioritise making friends in situations where friends are not meant to be made, and unnecessarily bring my personal life into every professional conversation. Does that not perfectly describe The Office's Michael Scott? He cares more about making friends and being liked than doing work. He makes inappropriate jokes that rub people the wrong way, even though he thinks they're funny. He feels the need to tell everybody how his relationships are going. He is sad, desperate and oblivious.

On the other hand, Michael Scott probably has the best intentions out of every character on the show. He remembers everybody's birthday, was the only person who showed up at Pam's art show, and when he jumps onto a not-moving abandoned train in Season 4, attempting to run away, Jan finds him and says, very accurately, "You were there for me, by my side, without even a thought. That's just who you are."
For goodness sake, I even named my pink teddy bear after Michael Scott, just because I admire how completely genuine he is. However, as Michael Scott demonstrates perfectly, good intentions aren't everything.

Today, while jogging the same chilly route from my high school years, my mind continually flipped to myself jogging around sunny Centennial Park, as I do when I'm in Sydney. It felt like a representation of who I once was, who I am, and consequently who I'd like to become.

I wrote in my diary that I'd like to become more professional and less fussed about how well people know the real me. But does that completely diss all the open honesty that I love about Michael Scott? Is it possible to be completely honest without being Michael Scott? To me, complete honesty does involve making everything personal and saying what I'm thinking. It involves perhaps appearing childlike and desperate. I wrote that taking on a public character would feel inherently two-faced to me.

But I don't want to appear childlike and desperate. Is my desire to not appear childlike and desperate worth compromising my absolute sincerity? Yes.

After spending half my day making Pinterest mood boards, I have a better idea of the person I'd like to be, aesthetically anyway (life imitates art?). Quarantine seems like the perfect opportunity for reinvention, and this is what I've come up with:

Instagram accounts to follow: @margaret__zhang, @daphalestudios, @ashleighuynh, @wolfiecindy, @sarahsuuu, @imjennim, @kawaniprenter, @maiacotton, @sammmyrobinson, @_yanyanchan, @stellamaxwell, @jennierubyjane, @juicy____, @itsnotsonia

I titled this board 'MANIFEST'. I feel like it's what I was getting at when I decided that this year I'd like to be pretty all the time, in my new sunlit apartment with my new white bedroom, always well-dressed, my most feminine self.

There are two girls I recently followed on Instagram who are friends of friends. One girl has a magical black cat, always wears nice underwear and lets everybody know it, and is taking magnificent glittering selfies even given the circumstances. The other calls herself 'my own kind of princess'. She wears Chanel ribbons in her hair, writes essays in the sunlight, and is spending isolation being her best self - "Fall in love with your solitude."

In order to be utterly femme I am going to need to learn how to shut my mouth, be a quiet achiever, and be a generally harmonious human being. Basically, the opposite of Michael Scott. I'll work on it.

And for days when the cracks appear:

Instagram accounts to follow: @babymeia, @alexademie, @peggygou_, @whoiskat, @bbyg6rl, @pasabist, @younghotyellow94, @oanhdaqueen, @japanesegrandpa, @madisonbeer, @iblamejordan, @naomiroestel, @gabby.hua

I always thought that once I left the over-stimulating lifestyle of living on campus, the chaos would leave my life. However, unexpected things continue to occur, and I've realised that this is just how life is in the outside world. I am inherently not a slow-moving or complacent person. After an unsuccessful 20 years on this earth, perhaps being calm and feminine just isn't me. So if I'm going to be chaotic, I'd at least want to look like this - emotions point blank on my face (but pretty), eating food but having fun, disheveled but in a cute way. The opposite of Michael Scott.

So, while I will always keep your good intentions in my heart, good bye Michael Scott. The childlike honesty is leaving my body. I want to grow up now.

Love,
M