My head's been a little muddled in the wrong place lately. All I seem to be exposed to are friends telling me about boys, sex and alcohol. What's the latest status? Virgin or not? They'll tell me about the latest outrageous thing they did while drunk at a party, and I'll be wondering where I've been all this time. Why have I been missing out on all this? What are my thoughts on all this? Are these experiences really that important to me?
With school moving further and further out of the picture, all the stigmas of this teenage culture are moving in. If all experiences and opinions involving drugs and boys are what all these people seem to find important, then should I be finding this important too? They talk about it as if however far you've gotten with a boy is what defines who you are. They see it as a status rather than an act, and without school occupying my brain, I'm slowly being sucked in to these absurd ideas of importance, no matter how hard I resist.
I've realised that saying yes to alcohol is a lot easier than saying no. Being interested when people tell you about their sex lives is a lot easier than changing the subject. Acting as if I know more than I actually do is something I feel pressured into doing, and it's absolutely stupid and shocking and immature. They don't get that having sex does not suddenly make you more mature.
And then, last night, someone reminded me that school starts in a week. I realised that my life with school involves a lot less talking and thinking about boys, sex and alcohol, because my priorities are different, and neither is better or worse. This is the age where people are experiencing all these firsts at all these different times, and it's confusing and needs to be seen as nothing more than what it is.
I am sick of 'living in the moment' and being dazed all the time. I am sick of not knowing what I find important without it staring me in the face. I am sick of feeling lesser when people tell me about all the things I'm 'missing out on'. And for once, maybe I feel as if I'm ready for school to start in a week.