Friday, 28 October 2016

Contented

It's just six weeks.  That's what I've been telling myself.  I have to do these six weeks properly.  I'll put my head down, work hard, and then I'll be free for two months.  The weather will be warm and I'll be able to wear nice clothes.  I'll go for jogs and enjoy them.  I'll eat nice food for every meal.  I'll be in Malaysia and Japan.  I'll be seeing something completely new for the first time in, well, not that long a time.  I deserve it.

My month so far has been constant assignments, and all hell has broken loose on my desk as I spend strenuous hours trying to perfect them.  I've been going through constant cycles of being happy, then moody, then happy again.  Some days I think that I'm a disgusting, bloated slob, and others I thank my genes for giving me the fittest body I could've possibly asked for.  All these days are blending into one nice buzz of routine, and somehow the constant work and repetition have made time pass a little faster.

It's like I'm floating, waiting.  I used to think that in order to be happy I would need something to be excited for every week; but look at me.  It's a Friday night and I just took a very long shower - so long that the heater I had on melted my moisturiser.  I'm now writing for the first time in three weeks, and then I will watch yet another unrealistically pleasant episode of Gilmore Girls over a nice fat bowl of popcorn.  Tonight I will sleep early after reading a feel-good book my friend lent me, ready for a six am start tomorrow morning.  This must be the most relaxing night I've had in... months, actually.

This floating feeling of just being has left me in a state of having psychological habits.  Lately I've been trying to be the best I can be by not trying.  I've been rather condescending towards anybody for any reason.  I've been unaware of my subconscious conclusion that I'm simply not good enough for people.  I've reached another stage in my cyclic life where I've decided to turn a new leaf once again.  I'm working on it.

And I'm content with this life I'm currently being in.  I watch the girls a year older than me three weeks away from graduating, and I anticipate being them soon enough.  I am excited, but I can also wait.  Time is passing at an optimal speed for once, and I'm not harping over the things I have and haven't done yet, for once, as well.

I want to be as self-aware as I can be before I leave high school, and I think I'm on my way.
It's just one more year.  I have to do this year properly.

3 comments:

  1. You got this. I know that feeling where like isn't anything exciting but you find peace in the small things you do. My life has been far off from that. It has been too busy and too hard to keep up with. I miss the days like this but I had a day where I say at a park yesterday that really made me feel at peace! Give yourself the time to enjoy floating!

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  2. Being content is a good state of mind.

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  3. YES. I relate so much to this post. Keep chugging because (and this sounds so cheesy I might vomit) it's over before you know it... and while you may not miss it that much, it's time you spent getting closer to your present self. And it's important. You can do it, I've all the faith in you. <3 Much love,
    ~Steph
    strictlystephanie.blogspot.com

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