Tuesday, 19 July 2016

Back At It

I'm currently sitting in a huge empty room at school and there is absolutely no one around.  It's the first time I've felt at peace since school started yesterday.  I don't know what it is about being alone in a place that I know is full of people.  Upstairs they're learning or studying or making memories - and here I am.  It's nice.

Maybe this has to do with that whole over-stimulation thing I watched in a TED talk the other day.  Apparently some people thrive from being stimulated by conversations and crowds, while others can't be stimulated too much or they'll feel overwhelmed.  I think that's what's happened to me over the holidays.  I've been so used to one-on-one conversations, and now suddenly there's crowds and people everywhere.  I can't take it.

Sometimes I panic.  People will talk to me and I'll know that everyone else is listening, so I'll automatically say whatever it is that I think will make me sound better.  And then later I'll analyse and analyse what I said, and it'll sound so so stupid.  I think that's what stimulation does.  It gives you more material to get anxious over, when really I should throw all these pages of analysis in the air and not give a care in the world.

What I hate and love about school is the routine.  It's two days in and the early mornings are getting to me.  The next few weeks are looming in front of me like a huge shadow on my life.  They're full of homework and assessments and planned extracurriculars.  It's like once the school term starts it consumes me.  I envision it consuming every moment of my life, to the point where I can't do exciting things.  I can't have a nice meal with a friend.  I can't laugh and be free as I was a mere week ago.

But I can.  Just because school has started doesn't mean my life is all work and commitments.  Sure, school will take up most of my time, but I want to be busy, don't I?  I love being occupied without a single moment of boredom, even involuntarily.  It's not like I have tests and assignments and a growing pile of homework all the time.  I have free time, and I don't know why I'm under the delusion that I don't.

Sometimes school just makes me feel so weak.  When it's not around I'm able to successfully separate school and life.  My life is not school and school is only a part of my life.  That's how it is and that's how I should see it.  But when I'm here 5 days a week, it starts to feel like it's everything.  I no longer seem to make plans with people outside of school.  I don't work as much.  School and all the cookie-cut people inside of it are all I have, and I can feel myself shrinking as I walk onto the campus.

But it's not so bad.  It's not nearly as bad as I make it out to be.  In fact, sometimes I absolutely love my life with school in it.  Either way, this routine is my life now, and I'd better love it or I'm going to be utterly miserable.

Love,
M