Wednesday, 27 July 2016

Be Good to Yourself

Let all the other people in this world vanish from your head for a moment.  Zone in on yourself, minus other people's opinions getting in the way.  When you stop thinking about that certain someone, or that reputation - suddenly you depends on you, and it's just a little bit frightening.  Without other people's thoughts or validation, what are you?  Where does you come from?  How do you expand on this you?

I've been weirdly nice to myself for the last two days, and I'm writing this post now because I'm scared that it'll go away any minute now.  Here's a little list of what I've been trying to turn into good habits:

Reading my daily horoscope

You know how there's those news things on snapchat, on the same screen as everybody's stories?  Well, if you click on the one that says Vice, one of the articles is always your daily horoscope.  Now, because I live on the other side of the world from the US, the time difference is over 12 hours, meaning my daily horoscope arrives some time in the afternoon or evening.  So at the end of the day I check my daily horoscope, in order to not self prophesise, because however much the stars may be respected I am not letting them dictate what I do.  Instead I analyse my horoscope to see how well it relates to how my day has been, and it's been surprisingly accurate lately.  I feel like there's so much uncertainty in life, and having something that predicts how you're going, no matter how far fetched your interpretations have to be to connect it to your day, gives you a little bit more control and peace of mind.

Joining a book swap (or get a pen pal or something)

This may just be related to what I've done over the last couple of days, but this is one of them.  It involved me actually posting something on Facebook, which is a shocker but has also showed me how sometimes social media can be a good thing that connects people and possibly exposes them to new, unprecedented material.  Agreeing to this was good because it's left me excited.  I just love the idea of sending a book I love to a stranger.  I want to leave a little note on the book and everything, and maybe it'll make this person happy.  Not to mention, I also get a whole bunch of free books in return.

Watching a TED Talk every night

This is one habit I love.  I've watched TED talks on personality, motivation, racial identity... all sorts of things.  Late at night, before reading, I plug my headphones in, play the video, and just lie there.  Sometimes if I'm really tired I'll close my eyes and listen to the voice, and other times I'll be fully engaged and watching, even writing down a quote if something jumps out at me.  TED talks are wonderful, wonderful things, and watching one every night is a good excuse to learn something new.

Watching Gilmore Girls

This show is innocent, relatable and the perfect thing to make you feel a little happier and warm inside.

Going absolutely makeup free

Okay, so if you're going to an event, or you're seeing a boy/girl you want to impress... fine.  I get it.  Makeup is confidence sometimes.  But what about all those days where you're literally just doing your usual?  Yes, you might be in public - but does it really matter?  Don't make putting makeup on become a daily ritual.  Your skin will thank you, and eventually your self confidence will too.

Trying free opportunities

So today we went to a free yoga class at school.  I mean, it wasn't great and it was a little dodgy, but it was nice to try something new.  It's like how in the holidays we went to a free boxing class, and a free weights class, or how we walked through free art galleries.  Doing stuff out of the norm makes you feel accomplished and more full, and the fact that it's free makes you feel even better.

Writing more

For the longest time I was only writing in my diary once a week maybe.  There was this month or two long period where I had absolutely no blog post inspiration, and no longing to even write one.  But over the last week I've been writing in my diary almost every day.  What I write about changes drastically on a day to day basis, because clearly my problems are situational, and my mind works in an 'out of sight, out of mind' way - but writing everything down makes me feel great and in control.  Having my thoughts laid out in words on a page makes me feel like I know myself better.  I know that not everybody's a diary person, but try writing whatever comes to your head down.  Just once.

Good luck and have a nice day.


Tuesday, 19 July 2016

Back At It

I'm currently sitting in a huge empty room at school and there is absolutely no one around.  It's the first time I've felt at peace since school started yesterday.  I don't know what it is about being alone in a place that I know is full of people.  Upstairs they're learning or studying or making memories - and here I am.  It's nice.

Maybe this has to do with that whole over-stimulation thing I watched in a TED talk the other day.  Apparently some people thrive from being stimulated by conversations and crowds, while others can't be stimulated too much or they'll feel overwhelmed.  I think that's what's happened to me over the holidays.  I've been so used to one-on-one conversations, and now suddenly there's crowds and people everywhere.  I can't take it.

Sometimes I panic.  People will talk to me and I'll know that everyone else is listening, so I'll automatically say whatever it is that I think will make me sound better.  And then later I'll analyse and analyse what I said, and it'll sound so so stupid.  I think that's what stimulation does.  It gives you more material to get anxious over, when really I should throw all these pages of analysis in the air and not give a care in the world.

What I hate and love about school is the routine.  It's two days in and the early mornings are getting to me.  The next few weeks are looming in front of me like a huge shadow on my life.  They're full of homework and assessments and planned extracurriculars.  It's like once the school term starts it consumes me.  I envision it consuming every moment of my life, to the point where I can't do exciting things.  I can't have a nice meal with a friend.  I can't laugh and be free as I was a mere week ago.

But I can.  Just because school has started doesn't mean my life is all work and commitments.  Sure, school will take up most of my time, but I want to be busy, don't I?  I love being occupied without a single moment of boredom, even involuntarily.  It's not like I have tests and assignments and a growing pile of homework all the time.  I have free time, and I don't know why I'm under the delusion that I don't.

Sometimes school just makes me feel so weak.  When it's not around I'm able to successfully separate school and life.  My life is not school and school is only a part of my life.  That's how it is and that's how I should see it.  But when I'm here 5 days a week, it starts to feel like it's everything.  I no longer seem to make plans with people outside of school.  I don't work as much.  School and all the cookie-cut people inside of it are all I have, and I can feel myself shrinking as I walk onto the campus.

But it's not so bad.  It's not nearly as bad as I make it out to be.  In fact, sometimes I absolutely love my life with school in it.  Either way, this routine is my life now, and I'd better love it or I'm going to be utterly miserable.


Tuesday, 12 July 2016

Weirdly Happy?

Carefree.  That's what I'd call this feeling.  Ever since the holidays started I have been positively carefree.  I've been going to art galleries, eating lots and lots of food, trying chai lattes in every spot I can, searching and hunting for things to keep me preoccupied, keeping little cards and snippets in my pockets, braiding my hair, listening to music on buses, going to random gym classes, fantasising about following conversations based on ones I've already had, and going on long long walks.

What I haven't been doing is thinking.  I haven't been writing, or blogging.  I haven't been focused on one thing or another.  I guess that's what the definition of carefree is, in a way... and I'm not sure if I like it.

My thoughts aren't words anymore.  They're not structured.  They're not nice clear lines on a page, ready for me to analyse.  Instead I could describe them as a blob.  It's just a huge worry-free, pointless blob.  I need to look at screens less.  I want a Monica-Chandler relationship.  Is it a crush or is it boredom.  I want her to come home.  I feel bloated.  When is my next adventure?  When is it?  When is it?  When?

It's like I can't be alone.  I don't want to be home alone.  I don't want to have to sit here with nothing to do but write and watch Friends and lie in my bed staring at the ceiling.  I have this desperate need to make plans and explore and go out again and again and again all the time every day.

I don't want to be productive.  I don't want to do that unfinished maths homework from two weeks ago, back when school was ending, an entire lifetime ago.  I don't want to start practicing instruments or do my chores.  I don't want to be productive, but I don't want to do nothing either.  I want to have purpose, but going on 'adventures' again and again is not purpose.  I don't want school to start though.  Just the thought that I'll be back at school in a week makes me feel weak.  It'll be the end of this weird happiness.

Do you ever feel that way?  Where you have this phase where you're just never sad.  You don't care about anything.  Life is good, so you make problems for yourself.  Plans, plans, plans - that's all I want to have and without them I feel empty because I have no worries and I'm not thinking about anything.  I have no substance.

I'm bored so I'll obsess over things that aren't there.  I don't care whether it's good for me or bad.  I can't stop.  Obsessions make me happy.  They stand in the place of real thoughts and substance and time I should be spending trying to reach the top of Maslow's Pyramid.  Gotta catch em all.  Gotta find all those geocaches.  Gotta obsessively check who's liked what photo or seen my snap story, even though I don't care all that much.  Gotta look for all the signs telling me he likes me.  Gotta be better than you.

I think I should start writing more again.  I'll think about this blog - this little project of mine.  I'll analyse and analyse and analyse, because overthinking is so much better than not thinking at all.