Tuesday, 19 July 2016

Back At It

I'm currently sitting in a huge empty room at school and there is absolutely no one around.  It's the first time I've felt at peace since school started yesterday.  I don't know what it is about being alone in a place that I know is full of people.  Upstairs they're learning or studying or making memories - and here I am.  It's nice.

Maybe this has to do with that whole over-stimulation thing I watched in a TED talk the other day.  Apparently some people thrive from being stimulated by conversations and crowds, while others can't be stimulated too much or they'll feel overwhelmed.  I think that's what's happened to me over the holidays.  I've been so used to one-on-one conversations, and now suddenly there's crowds and people everywhere.  I can't take it.

Sometimes I panic.  People will talk to me and I'll know that everyone else is listening, so I'll automatically say whatever it is that I think will make me sound better.  And then later I'll analyse and analyse what I said, and it'll sound so so stupid.  I think that's what stimulation does.  It gives you more material to get anxious over, when really I should throw all these pages of analysis in the air and not give a care in the world.

What I hate and love about school is the routine.  It's two days in and the early mornings are getting to me.  The next few weeks are looming in front of me like a huge shadow on my life.  They're full of homework and assessments and planned extracurriculars.  It's like once the school term starts it consumes me.  I envision it consuming every moment of my life, to the point where I can't do exciting things.  I can't have a nice meal with a friend.  I can't laugh and be free as I was a mere week ago.

But I can.  Just because school has started doesn't mean my life is all work and commitments.  Sure, school will take up most of my time, but I want to be busy, don't I?  I love being occupied without a single moment of boredom, even involuntarily.  It's not like I have tests and assignments and a growing pile of homework all the time.  I have free time, and I don't know why I'm under the delusion that I don't.

Sometimes school just makes me feel so weak.  When it's not around I'm able to successfully separate school and life.  My life is not school and school is only a part of my life.  That's how it is and that's how I should see it.  But when I'm here 5 days a week, it starts to feel like it's everything.  I no longer seem to make plans with people outside of school.  I don't work as much.  School and all the cookie-cut people inside of it are all I have, and I can feel myself shrinking as I walk onto the campus.

But it's not so bad.  It's not nearly as bad as I make it out to be.  In fact, sometimes I absolutely love my life with school in it.  Either way, this routine is my life now, and I'd better love it or I'm going to be utterly miserable.

Love,
M

10 comments:

  1. I totally understand about the whole stimulation thing. I get so overwhelmed so easily. And I'm the same way about school, too. It takes over. I guess everything just ends up overwhelming me too much.

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    1. But honestly, when we're not overwhelmed what are we doing? Maybe it's a good thing.

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  2. You always right things that are so directed and have meaning I really admire it but have no idea how to tell you what I think about your writing without it sounding awkwardly phased. School can be overwhelming after taking break, but you'll get back into it and feel alright I am sure of that. :)

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    1. Aw thank you so much Vanessa. I've gotten back into it now so you were right!!

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  3. Can I just say, this post is so relate-able and so well written and in the end, very encouraging. I am just like you in that I don't do well in handling big crowds. (over stimulation, thanks to you, I now have a label for it)

    I hope that things go well for you. That you feel hopeful and happy even amidst all of the dull things you've got to do and the homework and so on.

    -T.
    x

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    1. YES!! When I came across that label I was like, THAT IS PERFECT! Isn't it nice when the way we feel is explained so perfectly in words? It's like someone completely understands us and invented this special little phrase just to make us feel less alone. School has become less dull now. Sometimes it takes a while to get back into routine, but once it's there, life resumes once more.

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  4. I honestly miss school now that I am graduated, just because the routine was nice.

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    1. I think I'll miss school too. But then, maybe less routine would be the perfect balance. Take up something else with routine! I don't think anything else will be as tediously predictable as school though.

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  5. Hey! I've really missed your blog, every time I try to follow you, my computer never lets me :( so I end I having to scroll through my old posts looking for your comments and links you left on my blog!!

    Anyway, can't wait to have a catch up on all your posts :)
    http://whenshewrites-theblog.blogspot.co.uk/

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    1. Aw this makes me feel so nice, that someone actually wants to follow my posts. I love leaving comments on your blog too.

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