Sunday, 29 May 2016

What do my dreams mean?

Lately I've been exhausted as a result of my drowning in assignments week after week (more like one assignment a week for two weeks), and you know what they say?  Deep sleepers are the ones that dream.

Here's three of my dreams lately... if you could tell me what they mean in all their bizarreness, that would be great.

Pandivergent, the Panda Games, the Panda Wave

We're walking through streets with houses much like the ones you see in Singapore; compact but weirdly big on the inside.  The streets have an Asian village feel to them, with plants growing through cracks in the concrete and short unfinished cement walls outlining gardens.  And suddenly there's pandas.  At first you, me and everyone think, "Oh. Pandas. How Cute.", but then we remember that pandas are vicious when not behind glass at a zoo.

We're running.  We run through houses, into the front, out through the back.  The streets are a maze and there's pandas everywhere.  We tiptoe through a house, trying to find a room to hide in, a room where they won't find us.  The blood drains from our faces as we realise that there seems to be a panda in every room, and we've trapped ourselves.  There's a panda in the bright, glass piano room, sleeping next to a pot plant.  It's the last room before the back door.

Suddenly people are entering the house.  It goes from absolutely silent to the shouts of human yelling in a heartbeat.  They're wearing black, and masks and carrying huge black guns.  We run out onto the street to find more black-suited reinforcements, but we're all surrounded.  The pandas are coming at us from all directions.  We may have guns and weapons, but the pandas are not backing down.

At some point we manage to communicate with the pandas and they tell us that they're holding this rebellion because they want their land back.  By this point the humans have realised that we're on the weaker end of the fight, and unlike all the books we read, the humans give up.  We pack our bags and leave the gates of the city, and we end up at an arch much like the ones you see when you enter ChinaTown.  As we're standing there with our bags, it feels like a happy ending, because the pandas got what they wanted, and we're not so bad off either.

I guess in this case the pandas were the suppressed good guys, and we were President Snow and the Capitol.

Nate Archibald's Picnic

I'm playing the piano when a whole bunch of my school friends enter my house in a conga line.  "What are you doing here?" I ask.

"We just thought we'd come and visit you."

"Oh.  Where were you before?"

"Nate was having a picnic, and you weren't there, so we thought we'd come here after and see what you were up to."

"Oh. Okay."  I guess we weren't invited then?  My friends leave abruptly in a conga line again, and I resume practicing the piano.

A while later my mum enters the house and I ask her where she's been.  "I was just helping the Archibalds out at their picnic.  They asked me to come and bring a dish the other day."

"What!?  Why didn't you tell me?"  I'm gutted that I've missed the Archibald's picnic.  I love going over there because their mansion is positively beautiful and I love spending time with Nate.  

"I thought you needed to study."  For the rest of the day I'm just wishing I were there.  I would've probably been playing polo or a family game of rugby instead of practicing the piano.

Later that night my mum asks me if I want to come with her to drop a package off at the Archibalds.  Of course I say yes.  We arrive and walk up the massive shiny wooden staircase, and there the Archibald family is.  For some reason Nate and I are the best of friends, and we decide to go for a night-time walk.  Suddenly I'm like Serena van der Woodsen, walking through the streets of New York City.  I'm telling him all of my boy problems because in my dream, I've friend zoned Nate Archibald.

The ATAR Nightmare

One day I'm a normal Year 11 girl, studying her butt off for that high ATAR, and the next we're captured and thrown into a Japanese Prisoner of War Camp for two years.  To be honest, it didn't seem all that brutal.  I mean, we were starving and neglected of basic human rights, but I made some lifelong friends along the way, and the friendships I currently have became so much closer.  We sang in a choir, we laughed as we cooked our scraps of food.  We had minimal routine.  Every morning we would stand in rows and bow to the Japanese flag, and then who knows what job we would get assigned? We never knew what we would get up to between those gates.

And one day we were free, and suddenly I was back at school again, in my pristine preppy girls' private school uniform.  It's been two years, so we're all 18 now.  We should've graduated last year, so instead of doing Year 12, we get an estimated ATAR based on our semester's worth of Year 11 results.

One of my friends comes back with an 84, and everyone screams 'Well done!'  The next person comes back with an unexpected 99, and everyone's celebrating.  Then it's my turn, and here I am, sure that the scaling of my subjects will pull me up.  The number pops up in big black letters on the screen.  74.  It's not fair.  Both my physics and chemistry marks have been put in as 0, and neither one of my maths results have scaled up.  I'm screaming and crying at the teacher asking him why I have subjects missing, how this could be possible.

We find my chemistry teacher who mutters something sarcastic, and then enters my chemistry and physics scores, which look a lot lower than I remember them being.  The screen lights up again and now I've got an 84.  I feel like all my dreams have been crushed.

That last dream just shows you how much school is dominating my life right now.  We're studying a play about women in Japanese war camps during World War 2 in English at the moment, so that's where that came from.  Speaking of ATARs, I have a huge maths assignment to do and really shouldn't have spent any time writing this post today.


Wednesday, 18 May 2016

Life vs Time

Lately I've been looking back at the past events of the last year, and I can't help but wonder whether I've done enough.  Have I changed enough?  Change is the key word here.  I base my entire value on how much I change, because if I'm not changing, then what am I doing?  If my lifestyle isn't changing, then how pointless and boring must my life be?  I want to have phases.  I want to have completely new values that are constantly updating.  Am I changing fast enough?

Time seems to move so slowly, yet it passes in the blink of an eye.  Today is Wednesday.  I had an early morning band rehearsal.  I had classes.  It feels as if it's been a long day.  But I swear Wednesday just happened.  Last week I had a band rehearsal, and I had one the week before as well, and the week before that.  Each Wednesday ends, and before I know it it's Wednesday again, and nothing has changed.  My routine is exactly the same.

I visualise a graph, much like the ones we draw in my many physics and maths classes.  Distance vs Time, Velocity vs Time, Height vs Time.  How about Life vs Time?  Is my gradient of change great or small?  Will a huge change hit me like a brick wall, a sudden spike up in the graph?  Will I hit a restricted domain with a new equation, completely turning my life upside down?

I want this line graphed to be more than straight.  I want it to be curvy, pointy, random; with the most complicated, unpredictable equation needed to define it.  Looking through my photo-of-the-day book, reading my diary, I feel partially discontent.  I don't know how to describe it.  I don't know how much I have to change for myself to be satisfied.  I just feel like time has passed, and the line I've graphed over this time is too straight, too gradual.

It's like school straightens this line out.  The routine is constant, occasionally broken up by a slight bump or curve, an anticlimatic event, because I will always find something in the next few weeks to look forward to - and nothing ever happens.  As the words in pink marker on the broken clock in my maths classroom say, "TIME IS PASSING, ARE YOU?"  No.  No, I don't seem to be.

I feel so unscarred and blank.  My line has a mundane past.  Will a day come when there will be a single thought of a single moment that will immediately trigger tears?  Do I want a chip on my shoulder to make myself more interesting?  Do I want to hit a long, lasting lesson that will split my graph with an asymptote?

I have all these unchecked boxes, rites of passage, firsts I know I will encounter at some point in my life.  I just don't know where they're plotted, whether they'll come sooner or later.  Will there be a lead up to these points, or will the straight line of my life suddenly jump to accommodate them?  What will happen to my line once they've passed?

Today I watched a TED talk about this project, called "Before I die I want to..." (click here because I honestly love the idea of art that prompts the public to contribute their opinion) but death is a little dark and puts everything into a more meaningful context, so let's zoom in on my Life vs Time graph a little.  Let's zoom in to the unknown domain of the present, whether it be the next 6 months, year or 5 years.  "Before I reach the end of this domain I want to..."  What do I want to achieve?  Which boxes do I want to check off?  Is this a healthy way to think?  Should I be placing deadlines and expectations on things I wish to happen, but shouldn't force?  I want to grow up and change more quickly, but I don't want to go against nature, the equation laid before me.  I don't want to be disappointed, but I can't stop thinking about what's to come.  I can't help but feel as if it's not coming fast enough.

If I zoom in to clearly see what's graphed within the scale of each day, hour, minute; there I am copying down notes in class, there I am with my head on the desk because I'm exhausted, there I am on my laptop, there I am eating, there I am watching Suits.  That's how my days go.  But then, if you zoom out a little, you'll see that occasionally I'm dancing, laughing, shopping, singing, bowling, running, discovering something intriguing, and you'll see that I'm often happy.

So should I just enjoy life at it's gradual pace?  Should I stop putting pressure on change, and making that graphed line complicated, inconsistent?

I can't stop thinking about what's to come and when.  Maybe I should start reading my horoscope, and by reading I don't mean scanning words on screens and paper.  I mean reading, interpreting, taking everything literally.  Maybe I'll make that my equation for the future, and let's see how I go.


Sunday, 1 May 2016

A Roller Coaster of Emotions

I have been through so many themes and thought processes this month, but not once have I sat down to write a post about any of them.  I haven't had a 'rambling' post in a while now.  Maybe I've gotten lazy.


My body is my temple, and frankly, I've been doing a terrible job.  Last night it broke out in rashes after I had eaten a bucket of popcorn and an overdose of chocolate.  I haven't been controlling myself, I haven't been exercising in my own time, and I haven't been taking care of my skin, which up until I got off my butt yesterday has been positively terrible.  Now that the weight of school is gone it's time to be healthy again.  I need to stop.

Today was more interesting than usual.  I went to work and met a new Trainee who told me about how he was fired for being accused of stealing $500 from * and how his girlfriend faked a pregnancy and was absolutely crazy.  After work AS and I didn't complete a workout but ate fruit and watched Gossip Girl instead.  Then we had dinner at DN's because she's going to China on Thursday and she's now got a crush on a boy named * apparently, and we discussed R's abs.  AND THEN....


Mummy got mad at me for talking about my grades to DN today because apparently there are consequences and it makes her look bad, but frankly I don't care.  I am dramatic in my grades rants, and I am aware that I am far from doing badly, and grades are one of those things that don't really have any significance to anyone but myself, my opinion of my abilities, and my opportunities.  Mummy needs to chill and understand that I can and will tell my friends whatever I want to tell them, and that I have a brain and reasonable judgement too.

Anyway, I fly back to Adelaide for 5/6 days tomorrow, and I'd rather I didn't have to go - but I'm sure it'll be fun.

"It's like when you are excited about a girl and you see a couple holding hands, and you feel happy for them.  And other times you see the same couple, and they make you so mad.  And all you want is to always feel happy for them because you know that if you do, then it means that you're happy, too." - The Perks of Being a Wallflower (p102)


I don't know why I have this issue with our-brother-school boys, or boys who have anything to do with our school.  It's like as soon as it's not our-school related I'm fine.  I need to change that.


and I always seem to act so weird in sensitive situations like these because I don't know what to say.  I should just say what I feel, right?  Ask what I want to ask.  If I keep tiptoeing around every slightly rough thing a person tells me then no wonder people won't tell me stuff.  What kind of message am I giving them?  I find that people really like talking about their problems, actually, and they're not really fussed about whether you're "too imposing".


It's like I am my environment, and the worse I feel among these people, the less I become.

It's like I've godlified them as this friendly, kind person who can do no wrong, when in reality they're probably not noticing my flaws and staying away, but rather feeling confused as to why sometimes I talk to them and a lot of the time I act weird and pretend I don't know who they are.  I think I need to fix this.  I've noticed it happens with people I admire.  Is this why I don't become friends with awesome people?  Tomorrow I will be different.  I will not be scared of conversations.  Or will I accept that I am?  Will I accept that this is the way I live life for now?  This is how I am - and I shouldn't feel the need to try otherwise.  I'm not sure.  I shouldn't be scared though.

Why am I so terrible at making solid new friends?  But am I though?  I forget about people like **.  Why do I always focus on the bad?


I'm concerned at how every day here seems to end with a somewhat negative vibe, but when I look over my day I can identify so many positive moments that would make any other day a good day.

Talking with the New Zealand girls was really nice and reminded me how easy it is to have conversations with new people who know nothing about you.  I love new beginnings because previous judgement ruins everything, or my confidence from the outset at the very least.

So it's been a good trip.  I'm glad I came but I can't wait until we go home tomorrow.  This sport has let me meet so many new people, and for that I'm grateful.


As much as I wanted to come home from the trip, and as much as I wanted the holidays to come, I kind of miss it and I'm kind of craving school.  I'm not sure what I'm doing at the moment; nothing I guess.  It feels so strange.  I can watch whatever I want when I want.  I have time to clean my room.  I get to go to work.  I feel so lazy and I do miss Adelaide a little bit.  I didn't appreciate the unique experience enough while I was there.

I think I feel a little bit lonely.  Maybe that's a side-effect of boredom and pointlessness.  I miss my real friends.  I want to meet a nice boy (and that's new).  I need life to come to me!  I want it to hurry up.  I think I'm in a transition stage and soon enough regular life will start up again and I'll have purpose and excitement once more.

"Whisper it to me over a campfire, or in the corner of a party when everyone else is talking about much cooler things."

"Analysing yourself as if you were a character makes you not judge yourself." - Hinds

"Studies have found the pain of exclusion to be akin to physical pain... you can come to my party, you can, you can't, can, can't, can't.  I can taste the power."

"Really we're all just awkward sacks of flesh and bone, walking around and trying to make quasi-positiive impressions on each other without fucking up too badly."

The girl on the plane next to me was reading a magazine called Frankie, which is where I pulled all these quotes from.


My loneliness is definitely over because work was good today and I'm seeing AH for the next three days in a row.

"There's something about that tunnel that leads to down-town.  It's glorious at night.  Just glorious.  You start on one side of the mountain, and it's dark, and the radio is loud.  As you enter the tunnel, the wind gets sucked away, and you squint from the lights overhead.  When you adjust to the lights, you can see the other side in the distance just as the sound of the radio fades to nothing because the waves just can't reach.  Then, you're in the middle of the tunnel, and everything becomes a calm dream.  As you see the opening get closer, you just can't get there fast enough.  And finally, just when you think you'll never get there, you see the opening is right in front of you.  And the radio comes back even louder than you remember it.  And the wind is waiting.  And you fly out of the tunnel and onto the bridge.  And there it is.  The city.  A million lights and buildings and everything seems as exciting as the first time you saw it.  It really is a grand entrance." - The Perks of Being a Wallflower (p206)

"If someone likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am.  And I don't want them to carry it around inside.  I want them to show me, so I can feel it, too.  I want them to be able to do whatever they want around me.  And if they do something I don't like, I'll tell them." - p216

"But even if we don't have the power to choose where we came from, we can still choose where we go from there.  We can still do things.  And we can try to feel okay about them." - p228


I should be happy right now but for some reason there's this melancholy vibe settled on me.  I had a really good day with brunch, a mountain, a movie and gelato, and it's the holidays and I'm free; but here's what's bothering me right now.  * unfollowed me on Instagram and for some reason that makes me sad.  I also keep thinking * finds me weird for snap chatting for so long even though I know that's stupid.  I don't know.

What's going right though is that I'm liking being at work and the new trainees I've met, and even though I'm quite terrible at becoming close to people in a snap like that, I'm really enjoying the work environment.  I honestly have every reason to be happy right now so that's what I am.


So my nails are looking dreadful because of my spontaneous decision to paint them, and I've been snap chatting constantly and unhealthily all holidays so far (and I love it), and for the first time in ages I've gotten bad vibes from work.

I have the holidays spread wide and free in front of me.  It's a pity AS is still in Melbourne.

What do we want?
When do we want it?


"I just got here... and that's exactly why I can see you so clearly." - Biggest Flirts (p191)


"To free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves - there lies the great, singular power of self-respect."

"I write entirely to find out what I am thinking, what I am looking at, what I see ad what it means."

- Joan Didion


"It was one of those remarkable moments in time where everything felt exciting." - Taylor Swift


I'm sorry.  I had a really good day yesterday but of course I didn't write about it, and I had a good afternoon, but of course I'm not writing about that either.  I just feel like such an introvert today.  I've just felt so drained and just like at last night's dinner, I feel so out of it.  Talking to people has drained my energy, and yes I was bored out of my mind at home on Wednesday and Thursday - but spending the day at home tomorrow couldn't be a better idea.

I think I'm falling into this trap of having a need for approval from everyone again.  I spend so much time on my phone.  It's unnatural and unhealthy and I need to stop.


"Her father called her 'Little Tranquility' and the name suited her excellently; for she seemed to live in a happy world of her own, only venturing out to meet the few whom she trusted and loved." - Little Women (p12)


I want to start over and over and over and over again but I never do and never will because I know that I must stay and improve on what I have and eventually time makes everything right.

So I've been very many different moods in the last week but right now I'M HAPPY and that's great.  I had a good day with AS and a great shift at work and nothing is wrong in the world and I am HAPPY!


Now that I'm going to Sydney and when I get back I'll be back to one shift a week, I'm a little sad that I won't be seeing work people anymore.  My chances of being on with the people I want to see have now dwindled.  I know I need to do this for my grades, but now I realise that this is why I never get close to work friends.  I never see them and it sucks but soon it won't matter anymore, because in the holidays work seems so prominent, but without it's simply not.

I like the whole 'out of sight, out of mind' thing.  I think that's how I am with 'crushes'.  Like, I'll think I like someone but as soon as I stop having to see them constantly, or simply don't see them for a while, the crush goes away.  'Out of sight, out of mind' should be the way everything is.  There's no point wistfully thinking of something, or fantasising about something, if it's not here in the present for you to enjoy.


Here we are in Sydney and I think it's time I got off my phone and enjoyed the company of my family.  It's like my mind has been left back home.  I came to this city to escape, or should anyway.  And the fact that I'm sick does make that a lot harder but even when I am just here in the hotel room relaxing, I need to forget about home and just be here.  Nobody and nothing matters here.  Out of sight, out of mind, remember?

I wish that when I thought about someone, they'd be thinking about me too.


So my period just came, which means I can blame my emotional roller coaster of the last week on PMS, the one excuse was avoiding using.  I just feel like us girls always blame our sadness on our period.  If it's not PMS it's the other PMS (post menstrual stress) and if not that it's because our period is coming in 3 weeks or 2 weeks or 1.  It's always our period.  We're never really sad, right?  So now I'm wondering if my periods of happy this week were real at all.  Because I was SO HAPPY at some points, but was that just PMS too?  Is that why I wasn't excited for any birthday parties, but I felt on emotional highs after?  Is that why some shifts at work practically made me want to quit while some made me want to pick up every shift and celebrate my job?  Is that why I can go from passive bitch to extroverted energy ball?  Should I stop accounting my emotions as period-related and just leave them as what they are - emotions?  I mean, why do we do this?  Why do we need a hormonal reason to be feeling things?  Why do we over-analyse this when, to be honest, it doesn't really matter.  If we're happy, we're happy, and if we're sad, we're sad.

And I'm in Sydney!  Sure, I feel and look like shit because I'm sick and on my period (there it is again  - the period excuse).  So right now all I need to do is stick in some contacts, tie up my hair, put my back up straight, conceal my blemishes if needed and get my butt out of tis hotel.  We're visiting UNSW today and universities always give me so much promise for the future.  They're like my epitome of a good life at this point in time - for someone like me who looks at career as ambiguous but university as something definite - full of green lawns and dorms and freedom and education.  Oh, and most importantly, IT'S TIME TO GET OFF THE FREAKING PHONE.


Going to UNSW I want nothing more than to be living that life, going to university, walking around those modern buildings and green, green lawns.  And I guess I need to have the sufficient high school experiences before stepping into that scene.  But why do I need to tick the boxes 'normally'?  Why am I suddenly so stereotypical and confined?  What will be will be, and I love my life.

Today I felt like I was at a confidence low in my all-Nike, inappropriate sportswear and un-clear skin.  That just shows how confidence-boosting looking good, or thinking that I look good, is.  It's like I can't hold a proper conversation or hold my head up high if my appearance doesn't match - even though people probably don't care that much.  I think I should just look good all the time, or at least in public or with people I'm not comfortable with.  It's time to stop making myself small.


So today was GOOD and here's why:

  • I looked GREAT.  I was wearing my favourite black dress and at some point I put on a hint of dark pink lipstick (tester in Myer) and my hair was looking great and my doc martens were giving me a tougher vibe and I walked through the city streets feeling like a girl boss.
  • The food was fantastic because due to my outfit I felt as though I had no limitations.  Croissant, bento box, bubble tea, pasta, creme brulee, choc-top, roti canai.
  • I had a nice lengthy conversation with A about makeup, New York and her beau.
  • The Italian restaurant incident, although P and D aren't urging like TN, and seem a little more standard and insecure about the public I guess.
  • Fiddler on the Roof was another new experience
  • We had a spontaneous midnight snack at Mamak's Corner where Daddy imitated the Russian dancers with a bottle on his head.  When we were leaving one of the waitresses said to me, "Your family reminds me so much of mine" and I realise how much I love and appreciate our stupidity.


Flipping through my photo-of-a-day book, which is now in its 320's, I have the sinking feeling that I haven't achieved as many changes as I ought to in a year.  What have I done?  Am I all that different to the M last June?  Looking back though, I have gone through awkward, embarrassing moments that the current me would never repeat, and I've gained friendships I never had, and I've experienced Italy and work experience and dancing and hey, I'm a lot better at talking to boys.  In fact, looking back I would say that my life has changed immensely, and I'm glad and satisfied.


I want to experience more this year, to grow and change and live, but the year is almost half way over.  I don't know how to make it happen. I don't know if it's even important.  I don't know whether to adopt the state of mind: no expectations, no disappointments.  I know I need to just go with the flow.  Today was the first day of school and I know I need to work harder.  I need to do what I need to do in the next 2 years.


SCHOOL MAKES ME MISERABLE!  Honestly, the routine sucks the soul out of me.  I don't care one bit about who I talk to anymore, or what I look like.  I don't even know what I do besides go to class and play along in conversations.  I know that if I want to succeed I have to work at it, but working at it makes me miserable.  Coming home and opening my books should make me feel intellectual, like I'm making progress towards something.  It just drains me though.

I feel ugly at school.  I feel like something less.  I feel pointless and bored and I think I need an adventure.

I think I take instagram way too seriously.  Like, if someone follows back or requests I get super happy, but when someone unfollows me I get really upset.  It's so stupid how I think of all these scenarios and reasons and forget about the majority of people who do follow me.  I mean, it's just social media.  I think I have issues.  I guess everyone has different social media protocol and I need to remove whatever it is from real life.  People in the old days had it so easy without all this stupid anxiety.  Normal people aren't this obsessive, are they?

I guess April has been the month of disappointing unfollows, but many follows too.

I need some confidence.
And self esteem.
I am a REAL TRUE person who is just as valid as anyone else and likeable and has just as many relationships and friends and just as much of a reason to have them.
I need to stop denying myself the basic respect I DESERVE.


I'm feeling luke warm.  I mean, nothing is really wrong in my life.  I have good friends, tomorrow I'm going to a party and out for breakfast with AS, I'm talking to people.  Is it what I'm lacking that's bothering me?  So theoretically life is going just fine.

I have things to work towards, things to be excited by - and yet I'm just not happy.  Am I anxious?  Is that what it is?  Does school make me feel small?  Why do I feel small?  If I drown myself in being busy will all of this negativity go away?  I'm feeling luke warm and it's a Friday night.  I should relax.  RELAX.

Sometimes it's hard to turn that frown upside-down and I don't know why because I have every reason to be happy.

I think I have an anxiety to be liked, and if I just let that go I'm happy.  Social media makes me crazy.


Talking about the awkward vibes we receive from the physics teacher we don't like has made me wonder whether I possess those same unlikeable features.

Nah I don't, do I?  I have my friends.  I am able to work people when I need to, right?

I think I need love, and I don't know whether that I receive from people will ever be enough.

At breakfast today AS said she was close friends with people - including me - because we aren't like every other girl at our school is.  We're exposed and a little different, and perhaps that's true.  I've come to realise that since Year 9 or 10, or perhaps when I got my job, I stopped caring about anything to do with our school.  Suddenly school was just an aspect of my life, NOT my life.  But now I don't know what I have outside it.  Is life just life aside from school?  Are there just aspects and people who make it what it is?  Is it based on what I prioritise?  If I stop analysing what I have, will I stop caring or wondering if it's enough?


I had this dream about scary pandas and I don't know what it means.

Also, it's now May and the running problem of what I have accomplished in 2016 is still eating away at me.