Wednesday, 18 May 2016

Life vs Time


Lately I've been looking back at the past events of the last year, and I can't help but wonder whether I've done enough.  Have I changed enough?  Change is the key word here.  I base my entire value on how much I change, because if I'm not changing, then what am I doing?  If my lifestyle isn't changing, then how pointless and boring must my life be?  I want to have phases.  I want to have completely new values that are constantly updating.  Am I changing fast enough?

Time seems to move so slowly, yet it passes in the blink of an eye.  Today is Wednesday.  I had an early morning band rehearsal.  I had classes.  It feels as if it's been a long day.  But I swear Wednesday just happened.  Last week I had a band rehearsal, and I had one the week before as well, and the week before that.  Each Wednesday ends, and before I know it it's Wednesday again, and nothing has changed.  My routine is exactly the same.

I visualise a graph, much like the ones we draw in my many physics and maths classes.  Distance vs Time, Velocity vs Time, Height vs Time.  How about Life vs Time?  Is my gradient of change great or small?  Will a huge change hit me like a brick wall, a sudden spike up in the graph?  Will I hit a restricted domain with a new equation, completely turning my life upside down?

I want this line graphed to be more than straight.  I want it to be curvy, pointy, random; with the most complicated, unpredictable equation needed to define it.  Looking through my photo-of-the-day book, reading my diary, I feel partially discontent.  I don't know how to describe it.  I don't know how much I have to change for myself to be satisfied.  I just feel like time has passed, and the line I've graphed over this time is too straight, too gradual.

It's like school straightens this line out.  The routine is constant, occasionally broken up by a slight bump or curve, an anticlimatic event, because I will always find something in the next few weeks to look forward to - and nothing ever happens.  As the words in pink marker on the broken clock in my maths classroom say, "TIME IS PASSING, ARE YOU?"  No.  No, I don't seem to be.

I feel so unscarred and blank.  My line has a mundane past.  Will a day come when there will be a single thought of a single moment that will immediately trigger tears?  Do I want a chip on my shoulder to make myself more interesting?  Do I want to hit a long, lasting lesson that will split my graph with an asymptote?

I have all these unchecked boxes, rites of passage, firsts I know I will encounter at some point in my life.  I just don't know where they're plotted, whether they'll come sooner or later.  Will there be a lead up to these points, or will the straight line of my life suddenly jump to accommodate them?  What will happen to my line once they've passed?

Today I watched a TED talk about this project, called "Before I die I want to..." (click here because I honestly love the idea of art that prompts the public to contribute their opinion) but death is a little dark and puts everything into a more meaningful context, so let's zoom in on my Life vs Time graph a little.  Let's zoom in to the unknown domain of the present, whether it be the next 6 months, year or 5 years.  "Before I reach the end of this domain I want to..."  What do I want to achieve?  Which boxes do I want to check off?  Is this a healthy way to think?  Should I be placing deadlines and expectations on things I wish to happen, but shouldn't force?  I want to grow up and change more quickly, but I don't want to go against nature, the equation laid before me.  I don't want to be disappointed, but I can't stop thinking about what's to come.  I can't help but feel as if it's not coming fast enough.

If I zoom in to clearly see what's graphed within the scale of each day, hour, minute; there I am copying down notes in class, there I am with my head on the desk because I'm exhausted, there I am on my laptop, there I am eating, there I am watching Suits.  That's how my days go.  But then, if you zoom out a little, you'll see that occasionally I'm dancing, laughing, shopping, singing, bowling, running, discovering something intriguing, and you'll see that I'm often happy.

So should I just enjoy life at it's gradual pace?  Should I stop putting pressure on change, and making that graphed line complicated, inconsistent?

I can't stop thinking about what's to come and when.  Maybe I should start reading my horoscope, and by reading I don't mean scanning words on screens and paper.  I mean reading, interpreting, taking everything literally.  Maybe I'll make that my equation for the future, and let's see how I go.

Love,
M