Wednesday, 18 May 2016

Life vs Time


Lately I've been looking back at the past events of the last year, and I can't help but wonder whether I've done enough.  Have I changed enough?  Change is the key word here.  I base my entire value on how much I change, because if I'm not changing, then what am I doing?  If my lifestyle isn't changing, then how pointless and boring must my life be?  I want to have phases.  I want to have completely new values that are constantly updating.  Am I changing fast enough?

Time seems to move so slowly, yet it passes in the blink of an eye.  Today is Wednesday.  I had an early morning band rehearsal.  I had classes.  It feels as if it's been a long day.  But I swear Wednesday just happened.  Last week I had a band rehearsal, and I had one the week before as well, and the week before that.  Each Wednesday ends, and before I know it it's Wednesday again, and nothing has changed.  My routine is exactly the same.

I visualise a graph, much like the ones we draw in my many physics and maths classes.  Distance vs Time, Velocity vs Time, Height vs Time.  How about Life vs Time?  Is my gradient of change great or small?  Will a huge change hit me like a brick wall, a sudden spike up in the graph?  Will I hit a restricted domain with a new equation, completely turning my life upside down?

I want this line graphed to be more than straight.  I want it to be curvy, pointy, random; with the most complicated, unpredictable equation needed to define it.  Looking through my photo-of-the-day book, reading my diary, I feel partially discontent.  I don't know how to describe it.  I don't know how much I have to change for myself to be satisfied.  I just feel like time has passed, and the line I've graphed over this time is too straight, too gradual.

It's like school straightens this line out.  The routine is constant, occasionally broken up by a slight bump or curve, an anticlimatic event, because I will always find something in the next few weeks to look forward to - and nothing ever happens.  As the words in pink marker on the broken clock in my maths classroom say, "TIME IS PASSING, ARE YOU?"  No.  No, I don't seem to be.

I feel so unscarred and blank.  My line has a mundane past.  Will a day come when there will be a single thought of a single moment that will immediately trigger tears?  Do I want a chip on my shoulder to make myself more interesting?  Do I want to hit a long, lasting lesson that will split my graph with an asymptote?

I have all these unchecked boxes, rites of passage, firsts I know I will encounter at some point in my life.  I just don't know where they're plotted, whether they'll come sooner or later.  Will there be a lead up to these points, or will the straight line of my life suddenly jump to accommodate them?  What will happen to my line once they've passed?

Today I watched a TED talk about this project, called "Before I die I want to..." (click here because I honestly love the idea of art that prompts the public to contribute their opinion) but death is a little dark and puts everything into a more meaningful context, so let's zoom in on my Life vs Time graph a little.  Let's zoom in to the unknown domain of the present, whether it be the next 6 months, year or 5 years.  "Before I reach the end of this domain I want to..."  What do I want to achieve?  Which boxes do I want to check off?  Is this a healthy way to think?  Should I be placing deadlines and expectations on things I wish to happen, but shouldn't force?  I want to grow up and change more quickly, but I don't want to go against nature, the equation laid before me.  I don't want to be disappointed, but I can't stop thinking about what's to come.  I can't help but feel as if it's not coming fast enough.

If I zoom in to clearly see what's graphed within the scale of each day, hour, minute; there I am copying down notes in class, there I am with my head on the desk because I'm exhausted, there I am on my laptop, there I am eating, there I am watching Suits.  That's how my days go.  But then, if you zoom out a little, you'll see that occasionally I'm dancing, laughing, shopping, singing, bowling, running, discovering something intriguing, and you'll see that I'm often happy.

So should I just enjoy life at it's gradual pace?  Should I stop putting pressure on change, and making that graphed line complicated, inconsistent?

I can't stop thinking about what's to come and when.  Maybe I should start reading my horoscope, and by reading I don't mean scanning words on screens and paper.  I mean reading, interpreting, taking everything literally.  Maybe I'll make that my equation for the future, and let's see how I go.

Love,
M


12 comments:

  1. This is so insightful! I have never thought about life as a graph. I have thought about it like a roller coaster, which is somewhat similar to a graph if you look at all the turns and curves it makes. I think that if your happy the majority of the time there really is no reason to dramatically change what you are doing on a daily bases. however exploring new ideas is always a good thing and you should include new experiences in your life!
    Much Love,
    Vanessa

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    1. I want nothing but new experiences right now! I just don't know how to get them, and I don't have the courage or desperation to force them either. You're right, Vanessa. If I'm happy right now I don't really need to change much. I should just keep in mind that change is vital too.

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  2. Oh my goodness. I know these feels. My life is taking a new turn this summer and honestly? I'm a little scared. I am thrilled and super excited, but change! oh, my soul aches for it. and then it comes and I stare it in the face with trembling hands.

    the most i can do is let that fear go. change will run its course. some days it is slow and constant and repeating, repeating, repeating...until you realize that it wasn't and this is something different. change can come in big blasts or gentle breaths.

    here's to hoping you find contentment in the present. xx
    cally - wordspassingyouby.blogspot.com

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    1. You're so lucky! I know that as soon as school ends, that complete lifestyle change will hit me like a brick wall, and I honestly can't wait for that to happen. Your position sounds absolutely beautiful. I wonder what it would be like for every day to be a day of trembling hands and excited anxiety? But you know what? Maybe my change is coming in gentle breaths, and I'm not realising it. Thank you Cally. I am pretty content right now, I think.

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  3. What a brilliant post. I love your way you based things on how much you've changed. It makes so much sense to me but i'd not thought of it that way before. I base everything on balance you see, which i suppose in some ways is the complete opposite! Really interesting and thought-provoking post lovely lady!

    Love LC

    luckypretty.blogspot.co.uk xxxx

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    1. Balance is a lovely thing, and a lovely word, but sometimes I feel as if I have none of it. Maybe the change I seek is to achieve it. Thank you so much Laura.

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  4. I love this & I think I know what you mean. Life is so stressful and some days are so hard to get through. But t thinking about all the new and exciting things that will happen in the future really helps to not give up - best of luck :)

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    1. I love that there will always be new and exciting things in the future, at this age anyway. That's why I don't want to grow up, but at the same time I do, and I want these exciting things to come fast. Life is so stressful at the moment, and I think I need to get through this phase first.

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  5. I think i know what you mean... Or maybe I don't...
    Some time ago I have discovered I am sick and I will have to have a surgery. It is nothing super serious, but as it was my first surgery ever I was quite freaked out. I realized how fragile our body is and how easily we can break it. It caused me to think and rethink whatever I have done or did not do. Eventually, when i have been lying on the table, frightened, trembling I realized that all these future plans does not matter. The most important is what is here and now. And so i have decided to focus on NOW instead of some surreal TOMORROW, which may never come. At the end, happiness can be experianced only in present.
    I will check the website, i am super curious. Thanks for sharing.
    Have a lovely weekend!

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    1. Maybe it's experiences like these that split your life in two, that give you lasting lessons that mean you can never go back to thinking the way you did. Thank you for showing me your insight into living in the now, because I never thought about what it would be like to be lying on that table, knowing that your body is so so fragile. The only problem with focusing on the NOW is that I feel so much pressure to do something spectacular when I have none of it in me.

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  6. Beautifully written

    Ruby x
    www.rubys-eyes.blogspot.com

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