Wednesday, 30 December 2015

Body Hate


I'm not skinny.  My sister is, a lot of my friends are - but I'm just not.  Even if I didn't eat as much as I do, my legs still wouldn't look long and willowy, I would still feel self conscious in one of those tie-up tops; my waistline wasn't built to be shown off.  It doesn't matter if I have curves or if I have strength - I will never be able to try on one of those pretty little dresses with pinching waists, or skirts with tucked in tops, and look amazing.

I know big butts and muscle are meant to be in right now, but in my culture and my family they hate it.  Being slim and fair is considered beautiful, and although I don't consider the colour of a complexion an indicator of beauty, I can't help but feel a pang of unworthiness when a dress doesn't look right on me, or when my mum says, "I want to get this for my other daughter.  She's so slim and nice."

Being in Malaysia doesn't help at all.  In Australia I can fit into smalls, but that's because I'm short so I automatically look proportional.  Here, where I'm taller than everyone, the fact that I'm not model skinny already makes me look seemingly big, and around frank relatives who aren't afraid to state their opinions, it's scarring to the way I see myself.

I eat too much.  I know that.  I've noticed that whenever something it put in front of me, I gobble it up as quickly as I can, and while everyone else is still finishing, I can't help but reach for more.  The thing is, when you're eating so fast you don't take notice of how full you are until you're finished and can barely walk anymore.  That's me everyday, and although I'm not diagnosed with any kind of eating disorder, sometimes I become melodramatic and think I may as well have one.

One of my friends said to me once, when I was complaining, "Don't make your eating special.  It's no different from anyone else's." and she does have a point.  A lot of people suffer from this lack of self control and I'm sure you all relate to eating out of boredom and breaking down on a block of chocolate and feeling extremely guilty after.  This seems to happen to me everyday in different ways, and I finish my day feeling disgusting and motivated to change only for the cycle to begin again.

It's just so difficult when the cupboard is filled with chocolates and biscuits and those delicious creamy wafers, the fridge with cakes and the laundry room with all kinds of chips.  My family's just one of those unhealthy ones.  I don't have a mother who doesn't allow junk food - she buys them on sale, my dad eats fast food probably more than twice a week, and my sister is so skinny that my family feels the need to pile food into the house in a failed attempt to make her put on weight.  I know I should be able to work around this, but it's just so so hard.

Malaysia is like that situation on steroids - because I swear that in this country they don't know the definition of healthy.  Meals are just carbs with spices, and they seem to happen every hour or so.

I can feel the fat gathering in my arms, my belly and my thighs.  It's gotten to the point where I will feel around my waistline and try gathering all the fat in one handful at the front.  Is the remainder how skinny I could be if I tried?  Because it's not very.

I look at photos of muscled backs and bikini abs on Instagram, I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, there's some girl with really nice legs on Justin Bieber's Instagram, and I want nothing more than to shed all that fat and have a 'tight body' as my current book likes to describe it.  And the thing about 'tight bodies' is that anybody can have them.  It's just muscle and not a lot of fat, so work out more, eat less: easy peasy right?

And I know looking after your body makes a real difference.  I know I feel amazing if I've worked out and stayed away from the junk - but that hasn't happened for a while and I feel like trash.  I feel like I'm just filled with toxins and I wish there were an easy way out.

Sometimes I tell myself that eating is worth it because I love it so much, and what kind of person would I be to deprive myself of something I genuinely enjoy doing.  So I eat and I eat and then afterwards I tell myself it wasn't worth it and I shouldn't have done it because I'm better than that.  I shouldn't feel guilty for every bit of food I put in my mouth, but I shouldn't overdo it either.  I have this stupid love hate relationship with food and it really shouldn't be this hard.  How do people stay healthy?  How do they do it?

And working out isn't even a problem for me.  If I tell myself to work out every day of the week, I will.  I will run as far and fast as I ask myself to, and I will do all my crunches, hold the plank for as long as the goal I set, swim all my laps - but none of it matters.  What you eat is what you are, or it determines 80% of it at least.  No matter how strong I make myself, if the fat is there, it's there.  And even if it's gone, my bones will be there to determine my shape and I can't do anything about that.

I know I should love my body for the things it's capable of doing, but I don't think I appreciate it enough.  It seems as if in my culture, in my family, strength isn't factored in as part of your body.  It's weight that matters, even if most of that weight is muscle.  My mum has said countless times, "I was smaller than you when I was your age."  And she was.  She wasn't able to run as fast or do pushups or burpees, but she was still smaller.

And maybe as we grow older I will still be able to go for my jogs while everyone else's metabolism goes down as they begin to understand my struggle, or maybe not.  Either way, I still won't be skinny.

Love,
M

18 comments:

  1. so true. this is all true.

    this is tough, as in so many people say "get healthy" and other people say "just eat". i have a ton of muscle because of dance and my thighs are just big. and muscly. and i can't do anything about it :/

    I don't understand it, the whole being skinny thing. i really do eat healthy- i love fruits and veggies and i don't like a lot of grains or carbs- but like i said before i'm not thin or anything. but the thing is, my brother is crazy thin and all he eats is processed meats and grains. so when i try to eat that stuff, i just feel sick inside. plus i have a really slow metabolism.

    i don't know how people stay healthy. i just don't.

    this is a rough time.

    xo
    emily

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    1. That is so my sister! She eats carbonara and as much bread as she wants and chips like every day yet she's still stick thin. Is she going to have issues when she grows up? Probably. But I still can't help but feel envious because she has so much choice in the fashion department that I simply don't have. At least you're eating well, while I waste away in my pile of processed foods and low will power. It means you actually are healthy. Having muscle is healthy. Size doesn't matter because we're all different and to be honest, I envy your body's strength.

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  2. I relate to this post so much. I have literally no self control. and every night Im angry and hate myself and tell myself it'll be better tomorrow and then it just gets worse and the cycle is endless. I know how you feel. I wish I was the only one who felt this because the pain is so insane I wouldnt wish it on anyone.

    Im so sorry you feel this way.

    the best thing I can say is that the journey to self love is long and hard and sometimes you will fall off that road; sometimes for months at a time. but that doesnt mean your progress was meaningless. it doesnt mean you have to start over. sometimes you just have to love yourself even when you fail and even if you're not where you want to be. thats the best place you can be.

    and I think this comment was for both you and me.

    stay beautiful.

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    1. And the thing is, you feel uncomfortable too. It's like you physically feel unhealthy and it makes you hate yourself even more. I'm sorry we both feel this way. And I reckon we do need to work on our self control, but not because we want to be skinnier but because we want to feel better. In the same way, most of that journey to self love is mental and we need to stop viewing the world as skinny and more as strong. I found I had abs this morning - although no doubt they'll disappear after I eat lunch ;)

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  3. I feel this. I feel each and every word of it. Maybe this is one of those Asian family problems we haven't overcome yet. It happens in Pakistan too, where the fairest skinned girl with a NOT-FAT figure is highly praised, the girl with white face and thin waist gets the better guy for marriage. It is awful because it doesn't make sense to me, why should there be a "standard" for bodies and faces. It upsets me because I had been that fat kid in family who couldn't fit in pretty frocks. I lost my weight after high school, magically, I didn't even work out. Maybe my metabolism found another way to work.

    I hope you feel better about everything you have.

    xo,
    Not Your Type Blog

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    1. I know that in Western countries they praise abs and muscle and butts and boobs and all that, but skinny is still the epitome of attractive in my eyes and the media's. Just look at the Victoria's Secret Show and all the Instagram famous models. But it is even worse in Asian countries because they don't accept any of the curves and the muscle, and it's all just skinny skinny skinny. Unfortunately the world always has standards for beauty, no matter how much people are trying to educate us otherwise. We'll always have standards too and unfortunately I don't think I'll ever be able to meet mine unless I change them. Congrats on your weight loss. Even if I lost whatever fat I have, I don't think I'd have the body I want.

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  4. I live in Canada, where the culture here is pretty different. I, too, as well as ALL of my friends, have no self control when it comes to eating. Over here, people seem to find muscle more attractive than that stick-thinness. Even though you might find yourself less attractive for having fat, being stick thin isn't healthy. I have fat, and I also have muscle. Fat is important. In fact, you need fat to survive.

    It's sad that some of your relatives can't see that people are built in different ways, too, that your bones and your metabolism effect your size as well.

    I guess, just look past the outer physical features, and into the heart. Because that's what makes you beautiful.

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    1. I know it's what's inside that counts, but if you don't look good in certain clothing it still hurts a little. Personally, I think muscle is attractive too, so I guess all I can do is work towards a healthier body because strength not size is what matters. Even though we say these things, it's harder to actually believe.

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  5. I feel that way too...But this year I WILL work out and tone my body..I literally feel sick...Your relatives sure are hard on you.

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    1. I feel sick too Addy. When I get back home I will do a little cleanse as well. This country is like a month-long all you can eat buffet. But we need to remember that we may say we'll do something, but sometimes it doesn't work out. I don't know what's healthy mentally anymore and I'm too tired to think.

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  6. I relate to all of this, it's sad to see body hate but when you feel the way you do, it can be horrible.

    Anything & Everything | Bloglovin'

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    1. I'm glad you relate. It's sad that so many people do :(

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  7. I'm really sorry you feel this way. It makes me sad when people have a low sense of self image. I think nearly every society and culture is oriented on appearances. And it's absolutely absurd. You are not your body. You are your soul. That is what matters and lasts. And you have a beautiful soul. :) Please don't feel bad just because other people are too shallow to look deeper than just your appearance. You are beautiful!

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    1. We may believe we're deeper than our appearances as an excuse, but that doesn't mean everyone else believes it too. I hate to say it but appearances DO matter because they truly affect how people treat you, and I guess it also affects the way we treat ourselves in turn. We ARE our bodies.

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  8. I wouldn't worry too much about your body even though that is all today's society seems to focus on. Beauty fades, our bodies age. Having a beautiful spirit and personality are way more important.

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    1. Thank you Skye. I'm still going to work out though.

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  9. This was a beautiful piece of writing, you have a talent :) I know what it feels like to continually feel drab about your body and self worth every day... its a constant battle, and I know what it feels like. Please never give up though and always remember You're beautiful the way you were made! Love your blog, keep writing :) Would love for you to check mine out.
    http://walkingonsunshine.co.nr/

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    1. Thank you. It's no talent when you're legitimately insecure and to be honest, these rantings are probably really really unhealthy and I'm probably making every reader hate themselves a little more because body hate is so freaking relatable but hey. I'm checking out your blog now x

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