Tuesday, 29 September 2015

September Thoughts

Diary excerpts from this month.  Feel free to scan like you're doing a word search.  Look for something worth reading.


No matter how much I try to motivate myself, how many lists I write, how strict I am on paper, nothing seems to work.  I flake out, procrastinate, and eventually it is never done.  This is the worst time to be in such a funk.  It's the middle of assessment period and I'm short on time already.


I can't understand why I can't stop liking her.  She has some uncanny resemblances with Iago, but was Iago really all that bad?


I feel so utterly miserable.  It's like I'm trapped in a continuous cycle of boredom and I can't get out.  I don't see the point of school, yet I also do, and I'll be spending the next days, weeks and years devoting myself to it.  I know I have the choice to not be so conventional but I'll never take it.

I see the same people everyday.  The only thing that excites me is food, and even that is a curse.  I wonder if my whole life will be as glum as my immediate life seems to be.  I want to be someone who is forever moving, because sticking in the same spot seems so cumbersome, but isn't that the meaning of home?

Assessments are all there is.  I don't want to work on them yet I also don't know what my purpose is without them.  Episode after episode, blog post after blog post, I may as well be productively working towards my 'future' instead.


It's either a lot of people are being irritating or I'm in a bitchy mood.


For the first time I'm actually starting to feel like a failure.  As a somewhat arrogant person, this is a crushing self-purpose-questioning experience.  My grades are slipping, and my ability-confident nature keeps blaming it on subjectivity.  It still is.  But today's maths test could be a symbol of my downfall.  For the first time I walked in not aiming for that 100%.  I wasn't anxious when I got to the last question and found I couldn't do it.  Normally I'd be panicking but I didn't seem to care.  For the first time I think getting a B grade in maths could be a possibility unless I step up my effort, the amount I care.


I reckon a lot of results in the world really are biased, but if the official mark is set based on it, you're a failure all the same.


I just don't understand my misery.  Does writing actually make me more miserable?  I just feel like I'm so meaningless, like everyone would be exactly the same without me.  I feel like I need to have more being, but I do.  I have loads of friends and people to talk to, so why do I feel so worthless?


I'm feeling exceptionally self-fulfilled and I'm not sure if I like it.  I just feel somewhat... alone.  Today I was floating, and I was content with being alone.  I didn't mind who talked to me or what they thought of me, and I don't now, but I'm beginning to wonder if individuality is what I want.  Or am I more of a people person?

But then, people are so flimsy and unreliable and I don't want to depend on that.


"But perhaps the monsters needed to look out for each other every now and then" - p483


I feel like I'm being the ultimate pessimist.  I experience encounters that would have sent me over the moon only a year ago, but now I disregard them as another part of my everyday boredom.  Maybe this is just a sign of how much I've changed as a person.

"My stomach has entered a perpetual state of what I can only describe as 'butterflies', as I nervously flit from class to class, thinking of all the work I have, people I must impress... I go to sleep, wake up, and repeat the same routine on yet another day" - Rookie


I feel like I should be annoyed when they all jokingly make fun of me for my semi-fake antics, but I just don't care.  I feel like it's a breach of my self respect but to be honest, a lot of the time it's just who I am and if they're not harming me or anybody in a mean way, it doesn't even affect me.  Is that what a strong person would do though?


"They say everything happens for a reason, but that's when the problems start forming... the obsession to find out why things happen to us" - some blog


"You don't judge people do you, Charlie?  You just kind of watch them." - p148


It's annoying and kind of saddening how people let their perception of reputations dictate what they do.


I don't like how she gravitates to them for reputation, and that's why I feel so smug when she's not invited to stuff I am and when we hang out with them and she doesn't, because she loves the idea of being friends with them so much.  It's painful being left out and I should feel sorry for her rather than misanthropically victorious.


Mummy always asks me why I'm so self conscious, so maybe if I don't care about this I will defy that statement.  What's there to judge anyway?  It's not like they'll treat me any differently, and if they mention it I have a very plausible reason.  But the thing is, it doesn't matter what they think of one insignificant incident because that's the way life works.


"We are solitary creatures that come together in packs so we can survive as a species.  We'll do anything to preserve the social status quo, including omit, deny and lie.  Complete honesty would be detrimental to the human race." - p240

I kinda want to study anthropology.

"I like your coat.  Will you marry me?" - p251


I feel like I've been in denial about how awkward I am around boys.  When there's another girl around I am totally fine, but as soon as it's just me and him (or hims) I grow silent.  The situation becomes tense and I have no idea what to say, so I either say something stupid or get my phone out.  The thing is though, I feel like there's nothing I can do other than the fumbling I do now.  As TN says, Jenna Hamilton is our spirit animal but we'll find a Matty Mckibben some day.  All I can do is keep not clicking until I finally click.

"I wish for a life so brave, so unpredictable, so full of unexpected joys and unforgettable love that no box could possibly contain all my memories." - the last page


Wednesday, 23 September 2015

The Vampire Diaries

6 seasons.  113 episodes.  I am ashamed to say that it has taken me almost half a year to finally catch up.  I swear my TV-show-marathoning skills are much better than that.

To be honest though, at some points I felt like the show dragged on a bit.  But even so, I pushed through and will continue being loyal.  Even though Nina Dobrev isn't coming back next season, I will watch this show until the end, similar to my feelings towards Pretty Little Liars (I will still watch the 5 years later seasons despite that shitty ending)(I wanted Wren to be A).

Season 6, episode 22 was so freaking emotional.  It started off like any ordinary episode within the blur of this continuous story within my head, when bam, Elena is unconscious and not coming back.  I just feel like there was so much unnecessary tragedy that stemmed from Kai's return.  I feel like all the bad things happen to Alaric, and I just want something permanent and happy to happen to the poor man.

Funny thing is though, after finishing the season I had a little stalk of the actors on Instagram, and the actor for Kai seems to be pretty friendly with all the other actors.  Kai seems like a great guy in real life, and that's just plain weird.

I don't even like Nina Dobrev that much in real life.  She's super attractive, but as I got further through the show she began to lose that.  I think it's because everything was always about her and I didn't understand why.  I don't get why most cliche shows always have to have one main protagonist who's practically the centre of the world.

I loved Elena's farewells though, how she had a moment with each of the characters, even the ones I didn't think she was all that close to.  I love the fact that the death I was anticipating never came, but instead she will be back eventually, apparently even in the season 7 finale.  That takes the absolute tragedy away from the incident.

What I don't understand in this show is the theme of love.  It just feels so overplayed, like the characters fall so deeply in love in such a small space of time.  They'd do anything for each other, even the most dramatic of sacrifices.  I just can't imagine feeling that way about anyone.  It seems so unrealistic, but then what would I know about "soul mates"?

That said, I do like Stefan and Caroline's relationship.  I like how they've been best friends for so long.  I like the idea of friendship to love.  But then, I also liked Caroline and Tyler, and Caroline and Matt, and Caroline and anyone but Damon because ew.  I feel like Caroline's my favourite character because I always end up going for the control freaks.

Or Bonnie.  Bonnie's plain awesome.

And Jeremy's hot but I feel like he's never there.

I don't know what Damon will do next season.  I think he's the only reason I'm sad that Elena is gone.   I don't see how the writers will be able to write him another love interest without gaining a wave of hate from all the fans.  I couldn't see Damon with anyone else either.  If he were to find someone else I'd feel like it couldn't be as real as him and Elena, considering he was about to become human for her.

Maybe I watch these shows because I like the idea of love.

Or maybe it's because real life is so boring and sometimes we need to escape by watching cliche shows.  The Vampire Diaries isn't even cliche though.  I mean, it has all the cliche supernatural creatures, but the story is quite unique if you think about it.  The writers could literally do anything with it and it would make sense because the entire show is somewhat bizarre.

Maybe bizarreness is the reason it's such an effective escape.

I'll be starting Teen Wolf tomorrow.

It has Dylan O'brien.


Monday, 21 September 2015

Embracing Mother Nature and Stuff

To be honest, I hate camping.  There's just this feeling of being utterly unhygienic that's unsettling.  The struggle of trying to take off soggy sandy sneakers outside the tent, the feeling of damp feet inside a sleeping bag, having to sleep on the hard ground and waking up multiple times in the middle of the night - this is what living in nature feels like, and it's not pleasant.

Other than the unsettling nights, hiking along beaches and through forests is kind of peaceful.  You can hear two girls in front singing, two girls behind getting to know each other better, and you're staring up at a green canopy, or down at your footprints in the sand, with company but at the same time without.  It's a little perfect.

And when there's an uphill that sends your calf muscles burning all you can do is look at the feet in front of you, and it becomes a methodical left right left right until you're at the top eating a muesli bar.

To be honest, I feel like I ate more than I lost throughout this two day hiking endeavour.  Multiple servings of carb abundant pasta at night, tubs of Nutella on Salada crackers, and I ate all this under the illusion that hours of hiking with somewhat heavy packs would balance it out.  I came home to find that no matter how much "exercise" I do, what I eat is what I am.  I still felt sick.

The third morning was pleasant.  We stayed at this campsite where a whole bunch of different people who apparently camp for fun were staying.  As I was walking to the communal bathrooms in the morning everyone I passed said good morning, and if they didn't I would say it to them.  One man was very interested in where we were hiking, and I had to awkwardly rack my brain for names of lunch spots and destinations.  There was an old couple in a caravan beside us, and the man was writing a little shopping list on his foldable table.  I guess camping would be somewhat fun if I could deal with the hard ground and dirt everywhere.

Sitting on your pack and staring at a beautiful view in front of you when you know you'll be back on the bus within the hour is a happy feeling.  I reckon I would enjoy exploring these places if camping and not showering weren't involved.

I'm going to have to go on another one.


Tuesday, 15 September 2015

Sacred Items

Today I discovered that my dad has thrown out two boxes of toys - one of Fischer Price doll house pieces and another full of Barbie dolls.  Despite the fact that I haven't opened either of these boxes in over a year, the thought of them gone forever makes me feel like crying.  Within those little plastic pieces was the essence of childhood and nostalgia.  Those pieces had distinct places in a house, those Barbie dolls had personalities, and attached to every single piece were countless forgotten memories.

Not too long ago I read a lovely little piece on this topic, which can be found HERE.  It's all about the idea of holding onto physical items and never letting go.  We relate them back to memories we had with them, fabulous experiences.  They're tangible reminders that live close to our hearts, and once they're gone we feel a consuming sense of loss.  Even though it's not, the memory seems to be gone.

I remember the personalities of those Barbie dolls.  Rapunzel was always the perfect protagonist, the Bratz doll the mean girl, and the horse riding Barbie would always have to be the boy, because we never had a Ken.  Perhaps if I could hold them in my hands I'd remember the pathetic stories we used to tell with them, but I don't anymore.

I do remember the people though.  I don't know why, but I always relate the people to the thing and the thing to the people.  I remember when we transitioned from innocent 5 year olds to somewhat sordid 8 year olds.  I remember SH laughing at our inappropriate role-plays, and LC and I reenacting scenes that could rival Mean Girls.  My sister and I would spend hours of our never-ending down time moving around our gorgeous dolls, changing their clothes and organising societies, and the symbol of all these hours of simple entertainment is now gone.

I reckon people are part of the reason these items seem so sacred.  Even when these significant characters leave your life, you'll always have the items they left behind, the symbols of your memories.  That way they're never really gone.  I still remember that igloo tent we would hide in, or the kitchen set everyone enjoyed role-playing with.  These items seem like real beings, breathing living beings that don't deserve to live in bins for the rest of their lives.  At least I can say I gave the kitchen set to one of said role-playing friends.  Maybe now when she looks at it she thinks of me.  Maybe those memories have been enough of a reason for her to keep it.

I can safely say I'm a hoarder, so that kitchen set would probably have never met the bin in my hands.  Maybe this hoarding nature is the reason I create physical evidence of memories, such as diaries or this blog.  Maybe this is the reason I refuse to throw out crumbling phone cases or various random monumental artefacts of my past.  Maybe this is the reason I still let the past dictate who I am now, because I have problems with letting go.

This year I took a huge step in getting rid of all those stuffed animals.  First they were collecting dust in my room, then they were stored in a box, and finally, one day, they were just gone.  My sister and I used to throw parties for them.  I used to kiss every single one goodnight so that none of them would feel left out.  I feel like I've repeated Toy Story 3.  I'm a little late, but I'm letting go of the sacred items of my past.

Although I feel like those Fischer Price pieces and Barbie dolls could've been given to a new owner to make memories with, maybe it's a good thing that they're no longer here to clutter the house, to haunt the person I've become and am becoming.  There'll always be new memories and items to treasure, and I can't keep everything or there won't be enough room inside myself to allow new things in, to grow.


Thursday, 10 September 2015

Little Miss Pretentious

This post was originally supposed to be entitled "How Disappointing", because lately it seems that I'm able to identify some sort of flaw in every single person, including the people I used to think were just so great, and that's a little disappointing.  But then I thought, maybe this outlook has more to do with myself than other people.  If I'm looking at everyone and thinking about how wrong they are or how disappointing they are, doesn't that mean I must be up here on my high horse?

I used to be one of those extremely unconfident kids who thought everyone was awesome, and I was the only one who wasn't.  If, for some reason, I managed to identify someone as not-awesome-in-any-way, then I wouldn't be their friend; simple as that.  But now that I've grown into the older, wiser and more self-respecting person I am today, pretty much everyone has begun to seem less than perfect.

Not even a year ago I used to look up to this particular friend of mine as pretty much the kindest person I've ever met.  I couldn't imagine her being mean.  I even wrote somewhere deep in one of my many notebooks that I aspired to be her.  It's just disappointing when someone you used to have this opinion of proves you wrong.  It turns out she has that immature mean streak in her, where she intentionally says something she thinks will hurt you in the spur of the moment.  She can turn something insignificant into a rivalry of sorts, and the petty politics begin.  It's sad when you realise someone you thought was perfectly kind is actually just shy, even though it was inevitably going to happen.

I've had so many friends who I used to be so comfortable with back when I hadn't realised people could actually be condescending.  As we've grown up within the short space of two years I feel as if everything's changed.  I look back to the time when we used to act like 8 year olds at 12, prancing around like explorers.  I can't imagine her doing that now.  I remember the time when we were sitting on the wall and she said to me, "We're normal right?".  I barely talk to her anymore.

The amount of conversations I've had about how aloof people seem is alarming.  I used to blame their loftiness on the influence of those around them at the time, but the fact that they now do the same whether others are there or not mitigates that blame.  I still reckon they've become these people due to influence, but it's sad that the influence has managed to change them to this extent.  It's sad that I think this is who they are now.  The old them is never coming back.

But then, maybe I've become aloof too.  Maybe I'm the one who thinks I'm too good for everyone.

I feel so disappointed by the unintended fake attitudes people seem to put on.  They don't know they're doing it because nowadays saying what others want to hear is our default, even if we contradict ourselves with the next person.  One girl I know has told me countless times that she loves the honesty of my blog.  But then, in front of those who had been critical about it, she put it down.  She made something that means a lot to me out as something negative, to be joked about or made fun of.  She did say sorry, but comments like these still sting, and I don't particularly care if she recognises herself in this because my immediate forgiveness was an example of me saying what she wanted to hear.

There's this girl I used to think had amazing social skills who bases everything on 'groups'.  The only reason I thought she was so great was because she was trying so hard.  We had time to kill and she insisted we sit in the vicinity of other people, just in case they wanted to talk to us.  When I brought up something I'd overheard she immediately jumped to the most outrageous scandalous conclusions because she seems to think people actually do that.  I think she wants to be part of something like that, and this attitude disappoints me.

Girls who I thought were so funny are actually attention seekers.  Every time we see each other she does the same thing, and it's just not funny any more.  When we were kids she used to change our many performances at the last minute, while we were on 'stage', just so she could be even more the star than she already was.  At the time I never got frustrated.  I thought it was just her, that she was awesome like that.  I can't imagine thinking that now.

In class there's this girl next to me who laughs at every bad joke, because I feel like she just wants to belong.  It's another example of giving people what they want to hear.  Sometimes while I sit there in silence I just want to roll my eyes, but how pretentious is that?

I see so many flaws in so many people, because I'm only beginning to apply the knowledge of 'nobody's perfect' to life.  But if I refuse to be acquainted with anyone with problems, then I don't think I'll be left with anyone to be friends with.  There's no point in trash talking people's behaviour in my head when I'm just as flawed as them.  There's no point sitting there thinking I'm better when I may as well join in and I may find that I'm completely wrong.

I reckon everyone's fake and somewhat attention seeking, so there's no point in being a pretentious bitch when I'm exactly the same.


Monday, 7 September 2015

An Eye Fetish

It seems that the only thing within my drawing capability is eyes.

I'm going through an undoubtedly irritating lazy period of my life, where studying is not a priority and neither is eating healthy.  School is the most tiring and bothersome experience, and I find myself doodling in my books too often - and it always starts with those eyes.  This is the first time I've found myself not caring to this extent.

On every page of my Religion and Philosophy booklet is a new eye.  I look forward to moving through the booklet, because as soon as we turn the page I have an excuse to not pay attention again.

People are evil, people are good, people are pointless; true or false?  Apparently all are true.

When our purpose in life is no longer to survive, we turn our human nature of acquiring things towards money and expensive cars and houses - according to the video playing while I was drawing this.

The lyrics to some song from the 60's called Turn, Turn, Turn by The Byrds is on the right.

I don't understand patriarchy.  It's so stupid.

Why do people prefer darkness to light?  It's easier ?

I like the idea of loving your neighbour.  If we were just nice to every single person we encountered, in theory wouldn't we be happier?  How does being condescending make us happy?

Drawn on the yellow parchment of my tearing commerce folder.  My teacher was explaining civil and criminal law.  It seems that decisions are made through debates, and arguing is the only way to solve our problems.

Drawn by the enviably perfect AM.

Accompanying a witch made of parabolas, exponentials and hyperbolas.

I'm just a little bit sad that I will no longer be taking Latin next year.  I love the idea of translating poetry and stories written years and years ago.  History is all about human opinions of the past, and it directly correlates to human nature today.  Latin sounds so romantic and intellectual.

I want to live in a big city when I grow up.

A failed attempt at colour.  Could this pass as abstract?

I used to think maths was common-sense, but after this year I realise it's so much more difficult than that.  I almost gave up.  I think I like maths again though.  The other day I turned on some music and opened the textbook for the first time since term started.  After a few questions the logic became relaxing once again.

Drawn the day my laptop was confiscated.  I didn't know what to do with myself.

Back in 300BC, Aristotle proposed the geocentric model, because we actually thought we were the centre of the universe.  It's a pity we're just one planet, orbiting one star, located on the edge of one of many many galaxies of stars.  We're so meaninglessly insignificant, and that's just a little beautiful.

I didn't know this before, but black holes are just incredibly heavy remnants of supernovas, their gravity so strong that they attract everything, even light.

Wouldn't being an astronaut be such a fulfilling life experience?