Thursday, 10 September 2015

Little Miss Pretentious


This post was originally supposed to be entitled "How Disappointing", because lately it seems that I'm able to identify some sort of flaw in every single person, including the people I used to think were just so great, and that's a little disappointing.  But then I thought, maybe this outlook has more to do with myself than other people.  If I'm looking at everyone and thinking about how wrong they are or how disappointing they are, doesn't that mean I must be up here on my high horse?

I used to be one of those extremely unconfident kids who thought everyone was awesome, and I was the only one who wasn't.  If, for some reason, I managed to identify someone as not-awesome-in-any-way, then I wouldn't be their friend; simple as that.  But now that I've grown into the older, wiser and more self-respecting person I am today, pretty much everyone has begun to seem less than perfect.

Not even a year ago I used to look up to this particular friend of mine as pretty much the kindest person I've ever met.  I couldn't imagine her being mean.  I even wrote somewhere deep in one of my many notebooks that I aspired to be her.  It's just disappointing when someone you used to have this opinion of proves you wrong.  It turns out she has that immature mean streak in her, where she intentionally says something she thinks will hurt you in the spur of the moment.  She can turn something insignificant into a rivalry of sorts, and the petty politics begin.  It's sad when you realise someone you thought was perfectly kind is actually just shy, even though it was inevitably going to happen.

I've had so many friends who I used to be so comfortable with back when I hadn't realised people could actually be condescending.  As we've grown up within the short space of two years I feel as if everything's changed.  I look back to the time when we used to act like 8 year olds at 12, prancing around like explorers.  I can't imagine her doing that now.  I remember the time when we were sitting on the wall and she said to me, "We're normal right?".  I barely talk to her anymore.

The amount of conversations I've had about how aloof people seem is alarming.  I used to blame their loftiness on the influence of those around them at the time, but the fact that they now do the same whether others are there or not mitigates that blame.  I still reckon they've become these people due to influence, but it's sad that the influence has managed to change them to this extent.  It's sad that I think this is who they are now.  The old them is never coming back.

But then, maybe I've become aloof too.  Maybe I'm the one who thinks I'm too good for everyone.

I feel so disappointed by the unintended fake attitudes people seem to put on.  They don't know they're doing it because nowadays saying what others want to hear is our default, even if we contradict ourselves with the next person.  One girl I know has told me countless times that she loves the honesty of my blog.  But then, in front of those who had been critical about it, she put it down.  She made something that means a lot to me out as something negative, to be joked about or made fun of.  She did say sorry, but comments like these still sting, and I don't particularly care if she recognises herself in this because my immediate forgiveness was an example of me saying what she wanted to hear.

There's this girl I used to think had amazing social skills who bases everything on 'groups'.  The only reason I thought she was so great was because she was trying so hard.  We had time to kill and she insisted we sit in the vicinity of other people, just in case they wanted to talk to us.  When I brought up something I'd overheard she immediately jumped to the most outrageous scandalous conclusions because she seems to think people actually do that.  I think she wants to be part of something like that, and this attitude disappoints me.

Girls who I thought were so funny are actually attention seekers.  Every time we see each other she does the same thing, and it's just not funny any more.  When we were kids she used to change our many performances at the last minute, while we were on 'stage', just so she could be even more the star than she already was.  At the time I never got frustrated.  I thought it was just her, that she was awesome like that.  I can't imagine thinking that now.

In class there's this girl next to me who laughs at every bad joke, because I feel like she just wants to belong.  It's another example of giving people what they want to hear.  Sometimes while I sit there in silence I just want to roll my eyes, but how pretentious is that?

I see so many flaws in so many people, because I'm only beginning to apply the knowledge of 'nobody's perfect' to life.  But if I refuse to be acquainted with anyone with problems, then I don't think I'll be left with anyone to be friends with.  There's no point in trash talking people's behaviour in my head when I'm just as flawed as them.  There's no point sitting there thinking I'm better when I may as well join in and I may find that I'm completely wrong.

I reckon everyone's fake and somewhat attention seeking, so there's no point in being a pretentious bitch when I'm exactly the same.

Love,
M

24 comments:

  1. It's insane how much I relate to this.

    One of the only things I pride myself in is my ability to see flaws in myself and a huge stain on my being is the fact that I'm an arrogant, pretentious bitch. I've started putting myself in other people's shoes when I interact with them just to imagine how they'd react to me. Most of the time, I want to shoot myself. For the sake of clarification: I'm working on it.

    There's one thing with people who don't get this epiphany, though, that they think people are pretentious assholes but fail to see that they are, too, themselves.

    I'm not exactly sure how I thought I was going to write a coherent response to this because you established something incredibly relateable and explained it thoroughly, but my point is that for being 15 years experience, M, you sure are a hella observant and intelligent.

    Cheers.

    May | THE MAYDEN | Bloglovin'

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    1. We all want to think we're better because that would make us special in a way, and no one wants to be average. The people in this world will never be content because we're all effectively the centre of our own universes. It's a pity we're all arrogant and pretentious, but if we're able to see that we're exactly the same in that respect, then I guess that's what matters. Thank you May.

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  2. This post is so true, M. I think that as we all get older, it's a lot easier to see the flaws in people that you've never noticed before. That's totally natural. At the same time...I don't know. I'm trying not to think too harshly about people, because at the end of the day, I think everyone just wants to be liked, have friends, etc. Some people are serious people pleasers, that's just how they are. And sometimes they act kind of stupid along the way. But I can kind of understand where they're coming from.

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    1. I agree that everyone wants to be liked and all, but I used to think I was the only one and that people were better than that. I guess it's just disappointing that they're not, and the things they do to get there are so fake and people pleasing. It's disappointing when you realise everyone in the world isn't as perfect as you once made them out to be.

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  3. One of the few advantages of growing up is that you start seeing people for what they really are. Not perfect but not altogether bad either. It's like you say, everyone just wants attention and some have to fake it more than others. The best thing we can do is let them be, and realize that our happiness doesn't depend on them. Growing up also means you stop caring so much about what others think. Sometimes even too much so.


    / Avy
    http://MyMotherFuckedMickJagger.blogspot.com





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    1. I reckon not depending on others is a good way to go. One of the advantages of seeing people as the un-perfect beings they are is that you realise your own worth and equality. I guess now that I've discovered my self-respect, I don't need anyone anymore.

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  4. I want attention. I tell people what they want to hear. I am an annoying, flawed bitch sometimes. But aren't we all? I guess we'll just have to be the best we can and go with it.

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    1. The best we can meaning we try not to be that attention seeking people pleaser. We don't really need the approval and attention of others, and we need to train ourselves to believe that.

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  5. Is it really bad that I relate to this?

    WonderGoth

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    1. I wrote it so clearly I do too :(

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  6. Well said. I am a very flawed, very human person. I try not to judge, but I inevitably will. It's all just a matter of trying your personal best to improve on your own flaws, and trying as hard as you can to apply your philosophy, "nobody is perfect" to life.

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    1. Trying our best is the only thing we can do. At least we're trying. It's just hard to shake that condescending judgy state of mind.

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  7. As a person, I want to (and try hard) not to judge and yet it just becomes habitual, and it stinks that I can relate to this. There are so many people that I look up to-- four of them in particular-- that I ultimately summed up to not be as perfect, and yet I can't stop looking up to them. People can act so stuck up and be such show offs, it makes my clock gears tick, but... ugh. I wish there was something to change the negative way to filter people in a sense, but well, there really isn't. :O

    xoxo Morning

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    1. Don't look up to anybody like that Morning. Sure, look up to particular characteristics of a person, but never the person themselves. Too see anyone as more than your equal is a treacherous thing to do, because it's a breach of your own self-respect and it'll change the way you are around them. Intimidating people make you a lesser version of yourself, and I'm training myself to see others as equals. We can't be pretentious, but we can't be the opposite either.

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  8. This is such a well-written and eloquent post. And thank you for addressing this topic.

    Emily // Lynde Avenue Designs

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    1. Thank you Emily. I'm glad you liked it.

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  9. Hey! We just came across your blog and it’s really cool! We’re now following it and are looking forward to your future posts! Also we started our own blog recently and it’d be great if you could have a look at it, follow if you like it, share and let us know!

    https://justwondering0.wordpress.com/

    Thanks!
    Haley, Naomi and Ariel xoxo

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    1. Thank you! I love new blogs so I'll be checking yours out right now xx

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  10. I've been through this too. There comes a point in life when you realize that nobody is as perfect as you thought they were and, as you discover your own flaws, you begin to discover the flaws of those around you.

    M., I've been reading your blog for quite a long time now and I really think you deserve to be nominated for the Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award so, I nominated you! If you would like to accept the Award, visit this link to get your questions: I've been nominated for the Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award :)

    The Journeys of a Girl

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    1. Thank you so much for the nomination! I'll check it out now.

      It's a pity people aren't perfect, but maybe this grey complication is what makes the world more fun.

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  11. This is written so well! The last sentence is such a powerful way to wrap up those kinds of thoughts. Keep it up!

    - http://thatcrazygiraffe.blogspot.co.uk/

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    1. Hahaha the word 'bitch' really hits it home

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  12. Such a well-written piece, we've all been there, or we all will. Amazing!

    - Lexie
    www.whatlexieloves.blogspot.com

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    1. Thank you Lexie! I feel like we all think we're better than everyone else, and self-love is great, but so is overall understanding.

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