Thursday, 10 September 2015
Little Miss Pretentious
This post was originally supposed to be entitled "How Disappointing", because lately it seems that I'm able to identify some sort of flaw in every single person, including the people I used to think were just so great, and that's a little disappointing. But then I thought, maybe this outlook has more to do with myself than other people. If I'm looking at everyone and thinking about how wrong they are or how disappointing they are, doesn't that mean I must be up here on my high horse?
I used to be one of those extremely unconfident kids who thought everyone was awesome, and I was the only one who wasn't. If, for some reason, I managed to identify someone as not-awesome-in-any-way, then I wouldn't be their friend; simple as that. But now that I've grown into the older, wiser and more self-respecting person I am today, pretty much everyone has begun to seem less than perfect.
Not even a year ago I used to look up to this particular friend of mine as pretty much the kindest person I've ever met. I couldn't imagine her being mean. I even wrote somewhere deep in one of my many notebooks that I aspired to be her. It's just disappointing when someone you used to have this opinion of proves you wrong. It turns out she has that immature mean streak in her, where she intentionally says something she thinks will hurt you in the spur of the moment. She can turn something insignificant into a rivalry of sorts, and the petty politics begin. It's sad when you realise someone you thought was perfectly kind is actually just shy, even though it was inevitably going to happen.
I've had so many friends who I used to be so comfortable with back when I hadn't realised people could actually be condescending. As we've grown up within the short space of two years I feel as if everything's changed. I look back to the time when we used to act like 8 year olds at 12, prancing around like explorers. I can't imagine her doing that now. I remember the time when we were sitting on the wall and she said to me, "We're normal right?". I barely talk to her anymore.
The amount of conversations I've had about how aloof people seem is alarming. I used to blame their loftiness on the influence of those around them at the time, but the fact that they now do the same whether others are there or not mitigates that blame. I still reckon they've become these people due to influence, but it's sad that the influence has managed to change them to this extent. It's sad that I think this is who they are now. The old them is never coming back.
But then, maybe I've become aloof too. Maybe I'm the one who thinks I'm too good for everyone.
I feel so disappointed by the unintended fake attitudes people seem to put on. They don't know they're doing it because nowadays saying what others want to hear is our default, even if we contradict ourselves with the next person. One girl I know has told me countless times that she loves the honesty of my blog. But then, in front of those who had been critical about it, she put it down. She made something that means a lot to me out as something negative, to be joked about or made fun of. She did say sorry, but comments like these still sting, and I don't particularly care if she recognises herself in this because my immediate forgiveness was an example of me saying what she wanted to hear.
There's this girl I used to think had amazing social skills who bases everything on 'groups'. The only reason I thought she was so great was because she was trying so hard. We had time to kill and she insisted we sit in the vicinity of other people, just in case they wanted to talk to us. When I brought up something I'd overheard she immediately jumped to the most outrageous scandalous conclusions because she seems to think people actually do that. I think she wants to be part of something like that, and this attitude disappoints me.
Girls who I thought were so funny are actually attention seekers. Every time we see each other she does the same thing, and it's just not funny any more. When we were kids she used to change our many performances at the last minute, while we were on 'stage', just so she could be even more the star than she already was. At the time I never got frustrated. I thought it was just her, that she was awesome like that. I can't imagine thinking that now.
In class there's this girl next to me who laughs at every bad joke, because I feel like she just wants to belong. It's another example of giving people what they want to hear. Sometimes while I sit there in silence I just want to roll my eyes, but how pretentious is that?
I see so many flaws in so many people, because I'm only beginning to apply the knowledge of 'nobody's perfect' to life. But if I refuse to be acquainted with anyone with problems, then I don't think I'll be left with anyone to be friends with. There's no point in trash talking people's behaviour in my head when I'm just as flawed as them. There's no point sitting there thinking I'm better when I may as well join in and I may find that I'm completely wrong.
I reckon everyone's fake and somewhat attention seeking, so there's no point in being a pretentious bitch when I'm exactly the same.