Friday, 31 October 2014

Happy Halloween!



Here in Australia Halloween isn't really a big thing. We don't spend the month carving pumpkins and eating caramelised apples.  Halloween only exists on the 31st, and even then nobody really goes trick or treating.  But we did anyway. ;)

Oh the food we managed to get.  Some people simply didn't have any, and some gave us weird but yummy candies, like apricot balls.  One shirtless guy opened the door.  I think he was getting ready for a party or something because he had fake blood on his arm.  He didn't give us any candy though.  And then there was some rude old man, telling us our outfits weren't good enough.  He was stocked up on cherry-ripes but didn't even give nearly enough for all of us.

But I'm sure you don't want to hear about the Aussie experience with trick or treating.  I'm sure you'd much rather take a look at some of the costumes we wore instead! ;)

Let's start with my positively beautiful friend, June.  She was dressed as a leopard and I have no idea how she hasn't gotten herself a modelling contract yet.

 
You may recognise her from the blog Journeys' of My Beating Heart.
 
Note that most of my friends' faces have been wiped off for privacy reasons...
 
Anyway, here's one very pretty devil costume:
 
 
And here's a skeleton:
 



And a princess:

 
And a pirate:
 
 
And a thug:
 
 
And a cookie monster:
 
 
And a very cute little ballerina angel:
 





And I'm not even sure what he's meant to be.  I think he's like a death eater from Harry Potter or something...


Haha and last but not least, here's my lovely Halloween outfit:

 
Yeah, I don't even know what I'm supposed to be.  I just went for crazy person I guess.  Like someone out of a psychiatric ward in Pretty Little Liars.
 
Unfortunately my hair decided to flatten itself.  So here's a little close up of my makeup and hair before:
 
 
Oh, and I'm sure you wanted a makeup tutorial to look this beautiful.  Well, here it is: Basically just stuff up your face.  Channel your inner Miranda Sings ;)
 
And don't judge my dress by my face, okay?  It's actually a really nice dress, to my surprise...
 
 



So I have to say, my Halloween was pretty amazingly fun, and I'd like to thank AP for hosting the party!!

Happy Halloween!

Now here's a little group pic to end the post:


So what did you wear for Halloween?

Love,
M

Tuesday, 28 October 2014

Burn for Burn Series

Last night I finished one of my favourite series ever and I just can't get over it!  I can't believe it ended!  Do you ever get that feeling that the story can't possibly be over?  That the characters have left you and gotten on with their lives, and now you have to too?

The series I finished was the Burn for Burn series by two of my current favourite authors.  One of them is Jenny Han, who's book To All the Boys I've Loved Before was featured in my Chick Lits post.  The other is Siobhan Vivian, who's book The List was talked about in my Pretty or Ugly? post.

Now let me explain this amazing trilogy to you.

It's very John Tucker Must Die, which is a chick flick that if you haven't watched, you really should.  The only difference is that instead of three girls getting revenge on one guy, it's three girls getting revenge on their own three people.  Kat, the bad-ass girl, wants to get revenge on Rennie, her childhood best friend and queen bee of the school.  Lillia, a perfect popular girl, wants to get revenge on Alex, because she thinks he's doing something to her sister.  And last of all is Mary, the quiet new girl... She wants to get revenge on Reeve, the star quarterback, also the guy who bullied her in middle school.  And by 'bullied' I mean she almost committed suicide.

The first book is very much like a chick flick.  It's a little cheesy (according to a friend), light, fun, very high school.  There's just a little bit of supernatural that feels out of place, but it's incredibly important for later in the series.

Personally, my favourite of all the girls, since the very beginning, was Lillia.  I think it was just from the moment she was describing her Asian eyeliner.  It's not because she's popular or perfect... she's just less weird than the other two girls.  And she's Asian like me.  And she seems smart.  And the fact that her life is practically perfect (until this story starts) helps a little too.  She's also the one with all the romance..

Which brings me to the second book, where things get even more John Tucker Must Die.  By now the only one that really needs revenge is Reeve.  And you know how in the movie, one of the girls has to fake date John Tucker?  Yeah, well in this book Lillia has to fake date Reeve.  Except, she doesn't fall in love with the brother, she falls in love with him instead ;) ;)  And yes I know I've unleashed major spoilers but trust me, you haven't seen anything yet.  Just read it.  There's a giant ending.










And the third book is just COMPLETELY CRAZY!!!  Woah.  It's just as addictive as the other two, only waay more anticlimactic.  So much stuff happens and it's all a little creepy, like a fantasy horror movie.  It's still a little high school happy, but it's got a lot of supernatural. 

And then BAM... It ends.  One minute it's the most dramatic scene of your life, and the next there's an epilogue describing the next five years.  I don't know what to think of the ending, what to think of where the characters go or who they end up with or what they do.  I reckon some deserved better, and I'm not sure what to make of the final couple.  It all left me speechless...

I think I'm just going to have to accept that's where they went.  The story happened and then it was over and they grew up.  Some things were good, but not perfect, or maybe too perfect.  Some things were sad.  And honestly, I might say I would write the ending differently, but I can't imagine how.

Oh, and just as an after note: I was so overwhelmed when I finished the book that I tweeted about it, and BOTH authors liked my tweet!  That means both of them actually read it!!  They know what I think!!  I'm really starting to like this Twitter thing.  Come follow me @lyfoflittleme.

And I'll end this post with a huge recommendation for the Burn for Burn series, by Jenny Han and Siobhan Vivian.  The first book is called Burn for Burn, so search it up.

Love,
M

Sunday, 26 October 2014

A Trip Down Memory Lane


Okay, I know I said I was going to be productive and "get into control" today, and I was, for a while anyway.  But then, while I was cleaning my room, I stumbled across a whole bunch of my old diaries and notebooks and couldn't resist reading them.  I spent literally two hours just flipping through the many pages of memories, and now I've decided to share them with you.

 
One of the first notebooks I picked up was this dream journal.  I recorded less than ten dreams before giving up, because, I mean, how does anyone manage to remember their dreams?  But there was this one dream from 2008 that I found so hilarious I just need to show it to you.
 
"2 nights ago I dreamt about my school having a pringle line.  They gave you a whole small pack of pringles.  I always got to the start of the line first.  My mum also packed pringles in my lunch box.  So I got 2 packs of pringles.  I can never get sick of pringles."
 
Bahahaha.  This just shows you what my 8 year old priorities were...
 
 
I also used to take notebooks on excursions and to camp, and we'd always write stuff in them during the bus ride.  Flipping through them today, I was living back some of those primary school memories.  The pages were full of drawings, hang man, truth or dares, and even a "crush" list written in code, because we didn't want people to know we knew who they were in love with.
 
 
It looks like a lot of people liked Xylophone. ;) ;)  I'm pretty sure Chair did.  In fact, I think I did too ;)
 
 
I also found two travel journals: one from when I went to America when I was 10, and another from when I went to Paris at 12.
 
In the America journal, I rated the food at Disneyland a 0/10 because it was that bad.
 
And I must say, the Paris journal was pretty cool.
 
 
It was filled with images and cool captions!!  I barely even read the actual journal.
 
 
 
I find that journals with pictures are much more visually appealing, and I enjoy looking at them a lot.  It's quite heart warming, looking at photos from the past.
 
 
This is one I found of two of my closest primary school friends and I.  We didn't want to get picked up that day, so we hid inside my igloo tent and buried ourselves in stuffed animals.  It didn't work, but my parents found it so cute that they just had to take some photos.
 
 


I also had some more random notebooks here and there, full of collected business cards, quizzes, drawings.  Here's some drawings.
 
 
I even invented a galaxy because I was a bit weird like that.
 
 
One of my notebooks was my "interview book" because I used to write a sort of newspaper for the family.  There are so many funny answers in there, but you probably wouldn't get most of them.  Here's one from my sister though.
 
"What do you think of Grandma and Grandpa?
They don't have much hair.  They're very nice"
 
Ahaha I was just cracking up at the hair comment.
 
I also had a notebook full of letters.  Every single Christmas card and Birthday card is painstakingly copied out in that book.  Here's one from my favourite primary school teachers in my last year:
 
"Dear M,
Congratulations on a fantastic year!  You are a mathematics and musical star!  Good luck at G****** next year and make sure you come and visit us when you are rich and famous"
 
 
Out of all the notebooks though, the most important by far are my diaries, which I am still writing to this day.
 
 
I skipped many months and a year or two in between, but other than that, these diaries have been going since I was 9 years old.  They were pretty badly written back then though.  Here's some excerpts.  Initials are used instead of actual names for privacy reasons, and for my own embarrassment...
 
I'm pretty sure I had a crush on this guy in 2009, but I didn't even admit it to my diary.  Anyhow, here's a story featuring DP ;)
 
"Eventually J told me.  It was about DP.  Who did he have a crush on?  N decided to ask him.  We watched her.  He answered R.  We knew he was lying."
 
Ah.  The badly written drama of afterschool care ;)  I couldn't remember any of the girls' last names...
 
For some more 2009 drama, I also found this mean girl in my group featured in many of my entries.  Here's just one story about EE...
 
"She told me that I had to listen to the teacher (that meany poop).  I was just too quick.  Then later AY made a wild guess and he was wrong.  We all said you thought wrong AY.  EE said you thought wrong M very wrong for no reason!  Mean huh!"
 
Wow.  Primary school arguments were really petty.
 
And of course, here's one featuring my lovely family friends who are still my friends today, and one of the games we played...
 
"We ran away from RM and our meeting place was the pool and the cellar.  We kept running away from him for he is the monster."
 
Skip forward 2 years and a bit, and I'm attending the testing day of the high school I go to right now.  Here's part of the entry I wrote that day...
 
"I had to wake up at 7am to get to C*** by 8am.  There were lots of people from the junior school but others were new as well.  I only knew MM, AW, IN and only sort of (hardly), AM.  We just mingled for a while before the tests."
 
Well, I certainly wasn't very good at writing down my feelings back in year 6.  It's funny thinking about the people mentioned, and my friendships or non-friendships with them now, in the present day.  I definitely know AM more than "hardly".
 
And here's a bit from my very last day of primary school...
 
"I always thought that this day would make me excited and I also thought I wouldn't cry.  But, I did.  Seeing LD's tearstained face made me burst into tears.  Everybody cried and hugged, except for some people.  I hugged GL the most.  As soon as I left the classroom I stopped.  But outside, LD and AA gave me the last hugs and I cried again."
 
 
 
And I think I'll leave the memories there.  It's 11:30pm and I should really be getting to bed before school tomorrow.  It's time to live in the present again.  It's nice to remember the good old days, but be careful not to mourn or feel as if you want to go back.  It's time to look forward.  Those days are over.
 
But here's some advice for you.  Start a diary or journal or something.  Record what you do or your feelings.  Because as you get older you're going to keep looking back at them, and they'll make you smile (or cringe).
 
Love,
M
 



Friday, 24 October 2014

Out of Control



Life is feeling out of my control, and I'm not sure how to get everything back under my thumb. 

I got two bad grades today.

This whole semester feels like it's collapsing.

I haven't been cutting back on junk food, at all.

Friends?  They're great but why am I confused.

The fete tomorrow?

All those chores?

Sometimes I forget to eat breakfast.  That's never happened before.

Band?
Should I quit?
Why is it so difficult to just suck it up and join the conversation?

People are people.  They're no better or worse than me.  So why do they matter so much?

Do I even exercise anymore?

What's with the sudden fashion sense? 
I'm wearing the same shorts every weekend.
I'm wearing my jogging t-shirts.
I'm wearing black flats with everything.

What am I even doing?

I feel as if I'm floating.  Should I care more, or am I actually caring too much? 

What happened to the super organised M who had everything under control?  Who always knew which assessment was coming up, and when to prepare for it.  Who never ever procrastinated.  Who wrote to-do lists.  Who planned everything in her diary.  Who woke up at 7:30 without a fail.  Who didn't look at her phone until she was already on her way to school.  Who was satisfied.  Who wasn't even stressed.



Maybe I should disconnect, because my phone is ruining my life.  But I can't do that.  As well as causing angst, the phone is a source of ranting.  I rant and rant through texts, and it makes me feel better.

I think I need routine.  I need less distractions.  I need the to-do lists and the diaries and the non-procrastination.  I know I need to get rid of the phone and laptop, but I just can't say it.

Oh god I'm pathetic.

I need to get rid of my phone and laptop.

Just Sunday.



But maybe I should keep floating too.  I should float among the people, oblivious to their judgemental minds that probably aren't even judging me anyway.  It's better they make an opinion on me by what I say, than the fact that I'm not saying anything at all. 

It's better to stop stressing over stuff that isn't a problem.  Stop stressing over over-dramatic people.  Stop stressing over weird assumptions.  Stop stressing over nothing.  Just do whatever feels good.  Whatever gets a good result.

What others do or think is none of your beeswax.

Tomorrow I will float

On Sunday I will get in control.

And you probably don't understand a word I just said.

Love,
M

Tuesday, 21 October 2014

The X Factor



At around this time last night, I was watching the X Factor Australia Grand Final!!  After three weeks of following it (I know, not that long) and a whole season of my dad being completely obsessed, the final three went head-to-head with performances for two whole hours, until FINALLY a winner was announced.

The three voted into the grand finals were Dean, Marlisa and Brothers 3.



Now let's back track a little...

I really didn't want Brothers 3 in the final.  I mean, they could hardly hold a candle to the unique artistic Dean, and the amazing vocals of Marlisa and Reigan.  But no.  Reigan got kicked out, and somehow Brothers 3 made it through.  I'm so glad they didn't make the final 2 though.



So Dean is a previously homeless guy, who is an AMAZING artist that can make every song his own.  He's labelled as a mysterious rocker and seems to always forget to wear a shirt.  He does wear a jacket though.



And Marlisa's a Filipino 15 year old school girl, around my age!!  She's very shy and says that before the X Factor, no one in her school knew her name.  Well, now they do ;)  She's actually pretty relatable, seeing as she goes to a private school in Australia, just like me, and would have therefore dealt with the same environment.



Now, I'm not going to bore you with anymore about the contestants, seeing as most of you probably don't watch the X Factor Australia, so I'm just going to say it.  MARLISA WON!!  This caused lots of screaming, she may be too young, instagram posts, snap chats, the second place person is the one that ends up going places anyway... And yeah..



So let's talk about Taylor Swift.  She performed, and sang Shake It Off just as amazingly live.  I don't really feel like talking about that though, since we all already know she's amazing.  I wanna know if you guys have heard her new songs, Out of the Woods and Welcome to New York.  In my opinion, I'm crazy in love with Out of the Woods.  It's definitely about Harry Styles ;).  Welcome to New York is pretty okay too.  It sounds autotuned though, which is okay for artistic effect.  I could imagine it in the Carrie Diaries or something.



Oh, and also to do with the X Factor, is my newly discovered Twitter!  I know. Twitter's been around for a while, but I only just found out what it actually was.  You see, on the X Factor they put some of the tweets up on the screen, and that got me thinking about Twitter.  Now, being the weirdo I am, I decided to try to get a tweet on that screen.  I didn't get my tweet on TV, but The X Factor did retweet one of my tweets, which was pretty cool.  So yeah, I've decided to use my Twitter account, which is also useful since I am now in possession of my dad's old iPhone (yes I have an iPhone!!).

Come follow me!  @lyfoflittleme



Now, to end this post that has gone slightly off track...

Yesterday morning Taylor Swift was on Sunrise and here's something she said:

"Being an over-thinker and over-analyser can make you a hard worker, but don't let that stop you from taking chances."

Love,
M

Friday, 17 October 2014

The Second Choice

She chooses to pair up with her rather than you.  They call your friend's name rather than your's.  She only comes to sit with you after her other friend leaves.  She says she's her best friend, not you.

Every single one of these scenarios has happened to me throughout my life.  I may be the third best friend, or the second best friend.  But I'm never really the best friend.

Sometimes in conversations, they'd rather be talking to someone else.  They make you feel like they'd rather be with those people over there.  In groups, they have more jokes with the other person, they don't laugh as much with you, talk as much with you.  You're second best to them.  And it hurts.



But if you think about it, you do that too.  I know I sometimes ditch a friend for another, choose someone over another, talk to someone more than another.  It's inevitable.  And I'm hurting someone else too, in return.

I feel as if I've ruined every 'first choice' chance I've had.  I've been too busy trying to make myself someone else's first choice, that I forget to realise that I may be making someone else a second choice.  And before I know it, I've become their second choice too.

It's like a cycle.  I feel hurt that I'm someone's second choice.  But at the same time someone feels hurt that they're my second choice.  And before I know it, I feel hurt that I'm their second choice.  Why do I always want what I can't have? 



And on those days where I'm tired and out of it, where I can't participate in jokes, where I just act dull... that's when I'm always a second choice, because nobody wants to hang out with the boring girl.  And sometimes I feel like that's all the time...

You have no idea how much it can hurt when someone says hi to your friend but not you.  Or when they don't wave or smile back to you.  Or when you call them, and they're too busy talking to acknowledge you.  And sometimes, when you say something like "Said hey to her but not me?", they say "Gosh, M.  I wasn't talking to you."  And I know they're joking, but it still hurts.



So try to acknowledge everyone.  Try to choose everyone.  Try not to ditch one for another.  Because being the second choice feels really shitty.

Love,
M

Wednesday, 15 October 2014

Respect

I'm pretty sure everyone is like this.  We all want to be respected.  We all want to be a little superior.  We all want to be seen as at least an equal, someone worth your attention.  We care so much about how much people respect us.  It would be nice to be powerful, to have everyone looking up to you, to be an actual influence on people.  The respect of others makes you feel special.



So when you don't feel respected, you feel very down.  For example, in band this morning.  Previously, for the last two years, I've never even tried.  Band was too early.  I was always arriving late, never able to warm up.  So as a result, I'm not respected as a player.  I'm probably that girl that never plays, or that girl that just follows along.  I can tell the conductor doesn't respect me, and it bothers me.  I know I'm better than some others in my band who are respected.  My teacher told me himself.  But even though I know I'm okay, her disrespect bothers me.  Why is that?  Why is she so important?  This one conductor is barely a part of my life, yet I still care.

And sometimes people judge you by your reputation, how good you are at something, your friends, how shy you are, the weird things you say when you speak, how loud and embarrassing you can be.  And many people won't respect you.  You're not good at something, therefore they disrespect you in that regard.  You're friends with people they don't like, therefore they automatically dislike you.  You say something weird, therefore they will forever judge you as 'that weird girl'.  You don't ever speak to them, therefore they think you're unsociable.  And that's how it works.  People that don't really know you will judge you and disrespect you just like that.



So you'll never be fully respected.  You can't be good at everything.  You can't never be shy.  So what do their opinions matter?  Why do you see the need to be respected by them?  Sure, there's always certain people that are looked up to more than others and feel more special, that get elected for school captain or win the most awards.  But why should you spend your time worrying about being respected by all these people who don't even know you?

What matters is that you're respected by the people that do know you, that you talk to regularly.  What matters is having that kind of support.  As long as you have a lovely group of people who know you and respect you, all those other people don't matter.  I know people who don't seem to care about what others think.  They're never afraid to be judged for doing anything.  In fact, they're more respected for that.  People who don't care what others think tend to be so much happier.




Augustus Waters always wanted to be special, someone great.  But Hazel was content with just being respected and loved by him, and he admired that.

Love,
M

Sunday, 12 October 2014

Back to School Blues

 

Today is the last day of the school holidays here in Australia.  Two weeks have gone by so fast, and although my holidays have been a whirlwind of stress, relaxation, boredom and fun, I can't say I'm looking forward to going back to school.  Well, only 40 more school days until the summer holidays, right?

Ugh.  Here's a whole bunch of very legitimate reasons as to why I'm hating the idea of another 8 weeks of school.

I won't be able to sleep in.  I mean, today I woke up at 11am, so how do you expect me to suddenly be awake at 7:30am tomorrow morning!?  I'm going to be a complete zombie, walking around the school like a corpse or a sleepwalker with those grey bags under my eyes.



I have to waste 6 hours of my day plus more because my parents are literally always late to pick me up.  It's just such a waste of time!  I don't even learn anything in half my classes and by the time week 6 comes around I doubt there'll be anymore assessments anyway.  I could be at home doing more productive things, like watching another episode of  my latest TV show, Gilmore Girls.

I have to see people.  Okay, so some people aren't so bad.  But honestly, if I wanted to see them I could make plans.  Seeing them in class and at lunch involuntarily while I'm tired is something I'd rather not do.  And then there's all those unnecessary people I really don't want to make conversation with, but I'm unfortunately obliged to.



I'm going to get homework and assessments which are going to stress me out so much and waste even more of my time.  Although don't worry guys.  I'm not one of those people that says they can't blog as much anymore because of school.  My priorities are totally warped so I won't abandon you.

The uniform is so ugly!!  I mean, it's one of those private school things that have to be below the knee and accompanied by a blazer, black leather shoes, white socks, hair up and a hat that won't fit over the hair that has to be up.

And speaking of uniform, I'll have to remove my nail polish.  Goodbye lovely pink and silver nails.  Hello boring not-even-French-manicured nails.

All that anxiety is also going to return.  I don't know.  I think it's a combination of trying to get good grades and having to deal with seeing so many people that makes me worried about everything by the time school comes around.  I worry about my marks.  I worry about who I talk to.  I worry about people having a problem with me.  I worry about what my teachers think.  I just get so worried during school, and it's usually over absolutely nothing.



I'll be completely brain dead because throughout the holidays I've done absolutely no homework or practice of my musical instruments or anything.  I don't even know if I'm capable of understanding concepts or paying attention to anything anymore.  I can't even imagine myself in science tomorrow...

I have to do exercise.  There's so many stairs, those PE lessons I may kind of enjoy, and those pool lessons I hate because of the swimming caps.  Having a routine at school also always makes me motivated to have a routine in life, which means I start jogging, doing sit ups.  I don't even know.  Basically, I definitely won't be sitting on my butt and eating whatever I please anymore.

So yeah.  The point is that I really don't want to go back to school tomorrow.  Knowing me, about a week into school I'm going to be loving it.  But that never really lasts long.

Is anyone else looking forward to the next break already?

Love,
M

Thursday, 9 October 2014

Good Friend or Bad Friend?

What defines a good or bad friend?  Which one am I?

Friends are an important part of everyone's lives.  They're a source of belonging, support, fun.  They're meant to make your life better, to be someone you actually enjoy.  And sometimes, well sometimes, it's difficult to tell whether they're a good friend or not.  Sometimes you're friends with them out of habit.  And I'm afraid that that's why my friends are friends with me.

Lately I've realised that I haven't been the best of friends, and I'm not sure if I even fit into the good friends category anymore.  My friends haven't said anything, but that might just be because they're all definitely good friends.  They're the best friends a girl could ask for, and I'm afraid I'm not being a good friend in return.



I've realised that I'm awfully selfish.  I say a lot of stuff just about myself or my experiences, and sometimes I seem to forget to ask about theirs' or listen to them.  Now, I may be paranoid.  Maybe they're all talking about themselves too, and I'm being selfish and not even noticing.  But that's just as bad.  Sometimes I think I say things that are hurtful, but I don't realise they're hurtful until after I said it, because I'm too selfish to realise before.  My selfishness can't be making their experience around me fun.  In fact, I may just be the opposite of fun sometimes.

As for my friends, well they're not selfish at all.  They don't seem to care much about how pretty they are, how many friends they have, how well they're doing, or any of the other super shallow stuff I care about.  They seem to listen to everything and they've always got my back.  They're most definitely enjoyable to be around and, well, I think I've got to be more like them.  Selfishness is something I can try to change.



I've also been extremely stressful.  All my comments about how bored I am, and my pestering on plans to meet up.  I can only be making people stressed.  One of my friends definitely was, although she didn't seem to think it was my fault.  I think I am the one that made her stressed though.  I think I kept pestering until she started calling and complaining about how hard it is to make plans with certain people too.  She was completely understanding and completely relatable, but I'm the one that made her anxious, while she was sick with an ear infection might I add, and that makes me a bad friend.  Meeting up should be a fun thing that you do if you can, and I made the whole planning process into an ugly experience that was really not worth all that anxiety.



And when you plan while completely anxious and adrenaline filled, sometimes you can mess things up.

It went from a sleepover that was cancelled, to a pool thing that I couldn't get a ride to, to a shopping trip that I could.  All on the same day.

I did something awful and I feel really really bad.  It probably doesn't sound bad, but you have no idea how much something like this can hurt a person, especially a good friend. 

The girl who was meant to be having the pool thing but had to cancel it, she was at the mall.  The same one we were shopping at.  We had heard that she was there but we had just hoped that we wouldn't see her.  I didn't want her to see me and think the wrong thing.  I know I hadn't done anything wrong.  I just hadn't been able to get a ride to her's, and I had been able to the mall.  I wish I wasn't so worried and I were just a more honest person.

When we saw her mum I panicked.  I ran straight out of the shop and of course her mum saw.  Maybe she even saw.  Gosh I am the worst.  That is the worst thing I could do.  We did go back after to say hi, and she didn't ask about it.  She acted completely normal.  She was too nice to be confronting, because she's a good friend.  Later I did send her an apology and explanation text, which I really should have said to her face.  I really should have just not run away and said it on the spot.

It seems all is forgiven but I still feel so bad.  What if she's hurting?  What if she's mad?  What if she's too good a friend to say so?  And the selfish part of me is wondering what her mum thinks of me, whether I'll ever be invited to her house again.  Gosh I'm so selfish.  I'm a terrible person.



So I'm really sorry to all my friends for being like this.  Most of you probably aren't reading this, and I guess it's a good thing.  I'm too embarrassed to admit how horrible I've been sometimes, unlike some of you who are more honest and courageous, and I promise I'll try to improve.  Thanks for being the definition of good friends.

Love,
M