Monday, 26 November 2018

A Wide Expanse

First year is over and I'm home again - away from the constant company that is living in a dorm.  Basically, I'm alone, and will be alone for the next 3 months.  It's daunting and I'm unsure what to do with my time after a year of constantly having people to chat to.  Being honest, my mood could be described as bored, impatient, longing, lonely and displaced.  There's a wide expanse ahead my friends, and I need to embrace it.

To start with, I guess I'll be writing more.  What I need is inspiration, to be the 15 year old girl with so many feelings and thoughts she felt the need to post them in an album on the internet.  That girl used to scrapbook a photo a day, make travel journals, write books, post weekly on this blog -- she was so... reflective.  I'm not sure about how I feel about being reflective.

A year ago I was crying in this bedroom.  I was leaving this city, thinking of all those nostalgic memories *and nostalgia is really looking back at things and making them seem better than they actually were* and absolutely not looking forward.  Fast forward 9 months and I'm crying again, as I'm packing to leave the dorm *oh gosh it's just been such a good year, and it'll never be the same again, sob sob*... why is it that we look backwards and not forwards?  Why do people with blogs and diaries and Facebook albums sit around reflecting on their life and who they are and how they've grown, when it just makes us sad?  Is reflection the basis of self improvement?  Recently a boy messaged me about something I would've given anything to go to last summer, and this summer, I don't even want to go -- that's self growth, but does it make that entire summer I cried about leaving completely invalid?  Why cry over it then?

Furthermore, I'm starting to think the only reason I've cried about leaving things in recent years is because of a boy.  I associate a time with a place with a feeling... with a boy.  At breakfast with my mum the other day, she hypothesised that my cousin was interested in a boy, simply because she kept mentioning how much she'd miss her friends since she wouldn't be seeing them for 3 months.  My mum passed the point that in all honesty, we don't get too worked up about not seeing our friends, because we know we'll catch up again, some time, and we'll be fine without them.  A boy on the other hand... they're the ones we drive ourselves crazy over in the wide expanse of not seeing them or not trying to impress them or whatever.  It's pathetic.  Boys aren't worth it.  They aren't worth the better half of our brain space.

You know what else isn't worth our brain space?  social. media.  The big question I'm asking is, if you invest too much thought and time into your social profiles, do you become the person you are on social media?  Are your photos on Instagram now the definition of you?  Are your comments now the definition of your personality?  Are the people who tag you in posts the most now your closest friends?  I see so many girls post their every move, with perfect captions and perfect aesthetics perfect for the image they're creating.  I see these girls the way they've curated themselves, and I wonder, are these girls now in reality, the person they want others to see them as?  And is that such a bad thing?  Personally, I think that yes, genuinely being the person others see you as, which is awesome, makes you awesome.  However, is this not limiting?  Aren't human beings more multifaceted than any two dimensional profile we could possibly create on the internet?

Side note: gosh I wish I could write a novel that really was a two dimensional accurate representation of these multifaceted human beings.  That's such a 15 year old thought right there.

Anyway, those are my thoughts after taking a step back from this year's constant 9-month-long exposure to millennial culture *it's a little toxic but when is society not?*.  In this wide expanse I plan to think for the first time in forever.  I may be obsessed with self improvement, and yes, self improvement is mostly looking back and being glad you've changed, but perhaps I should be open to the idea of looking back and being sad you've changed.  There are some thoughts and traits that do not need to be kept.  As I said, society is always a little toxic.

Being honest, my mood towards this wide expanse could be described as: hopeful, open and relaxed.
*let's get cultured*

Love,
M