Tuesday, 19 September 2017

Moments of Clarity

They're like a montage of fleeting moments in an indie film, like supercuts edited together.

I was driving up a hill in peak hour traffic ~or as peak hour as this city can get anyway.  The sky was a soft pink and the red lights of cars were Glowing.  I didn't even like the Justin Bieber song that was playing at the time.  It was so counter... deep. 

Nevertheless, sitting there I realised that I was deserving.  For the first time, I actually saw myself as a human being; I wasn't ashamed of my thoughts.  In fact, I actually quite liked myself.  It's hard to explain, but you see, sometimes you never seem to get what you want, and sometimes you can't even picture yourself getting what you want - like that thing you want never even crossed your mind.  Yet, that thing you want, other people have it, so it must be possible.

It was the first time I realised that I am just as entitled to things as other people are.  Sometimes you don't understand this lack of confidence or underdog feeling because you're simply in denial.  "I am a strong independent woman, right?"  Perhaps you don't understand yourself as well as you think.  A superiority complex could exist, or the angsty puts-up-walls-because-scared-people-will-see-the-real-me could be a real thing too.


Warm water running and just standing there, absolutely still.  It'd been a lethargic day of eating chocolate and reading my watercolour-embossed diary.

Somehow I can remember every thought as soon as it's read.  I remember feeling that way, I remember what happened and the entire phase.  Like, it's all just one big continuous phase, isn't it?  A notebook-long phase until the pages run out.  Is that when the new theme of my life begins again?

Writing is funny like that.  It time-capsules feelings.  It documents thoughts.  I am every single person who recorded words in my diary.  I'm the girl who's worried about getting fat, the girl who yells at herself to study, the girl who accuses her sister of being jealous, the girl who is lonely and then suddenly feels loved, then sad.  Somehow the voices stay the same.

When I'm older and read this diary, I'll remember what it was like to be 17 again on an emotional level, and that's so cool.


Love,
M

Tuesday, 12 September 2017

Currently: the Future and the Most addictive TV shows of 2017

I've been writing over and over again - on scholarship applications, college applications, university applications - about what I want to be and do, and why.  At the beginning of this year, the last semester of our final year of high school was described as 'one foot in one foot out'.  Well, that one foot out is all I can think about.  Everything that comes before graduation is unnecessary, irrelevant, who cares.

These three diary entries pretty much encapsulate the feeling of being almost out of here:

Saturday - 26/8/2017
And you're catching me at my worst - the time when my life is a flatline of school and nothing more; no progress, no spontaneity, no freedom, no time.  It's a time when I feel my ugliest and can do nothing about it.  I have no breaking point, but at the moment, I have no existence either.

Saturday - 2/9/2017
We went to the university open day today and I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE MOTIVATED IN MY LIFE!  Seriously, medicine would be the dream!  In 5 years I see myself getting clinical experience at a hospital.  BUT THEN, I also see myself in a firm, working on some project or consulting, just travelling and experiencing a flexible life doing all of the math that I love.  AND THE COLLEGES!!  I want to stay in the colleges so badly!!  I need this new chapter of my life to just START ALREADY!  In comparison, all of this makes everything else seem SO INSIGNIFICANT!  I don't care about what everyone else is doing right now.  Suddenly everyone and everything seems immature in comparison. Who the f*ck cares when uni is just around the corner.   My life is as set as can be and I'm bursting with happiness.

Tuesday - 22/8/2017
Things I want to do:
  • Become a pediatrician
  • Work in a ski resort
  • Backpack across Europe (Hostels and all)
  • Join the army
  • Live at the beach @ Miami for 3 months
  • Join the FBI
  • Intern at Vogue (during fashion week)
  • Aid work in South-East Asia
  • Be a journalist in the press room of the Whitehouse
  • Be on a reality TV show (specifically ANTM but that's not going to happen :(
  • Become a scientist for the UN
  • Road trip up the East Coast of America and then into Canada
  • Cantiki Tour in South East Asia
  • Be an engineer at NASA
  • Waitress a celebrity's party
***

I've been somewhat of a hermit lately.  I used to thrive in being busy, forever happiest when occupied with plans and 'exciting' things just around the corner... But recently, I've let the addicted, obsessive couch potato in me take over.  It's lazy, it's lethargic, it's languid, and in some ways, letting yourself go like that is what constitutes the perfect weekend.

In 2017, I've experienced these breaks on quite a regular basis, setting aside entire weekends for a season-long marathon of Netflix-ing.  It's that feeling you get when you're in the middle of a very very busy period of your life, and all you crave is popcorn and that one TV show.

Here's the highlights:

Dear White People


Every immigrant and person of colour will kind of relate
THE CONCEPT: each episode is from the point of view of one character.  They're all intertwined, all go to the same prestigious university, all have their own issues (whether it be drugs or who they're in love with) and all have different views and experiences regarding race.


13 Reasons Why

Let's be real.  You know what this one is.
THE CONCEPT: A girl kills herself and leaves behind 13 reasons why she did it on 13 different tapes.  Each reason is a person, and each episode is a tape.
The hype may not be worth it, but trust me, it's good.


Designated Survivor

This one is super politically relevant
THE CONCEPT: For every US cabinet meeting, each party must leave one cabinet member in an undisclosed location as the designated survivor.  In the event that all cabinet members should be killed in some kind of terrorist event, this person becomes the president.  The capitol building gets bombed and that's basically what happens to Kiefer Sutherland.


How to Get Away With Murder


This one is my current obsession, and I don't want to do anything else with my life right now.
THE CONCEPT: Annalise Keating is this kickass defence attorney who teaches at Middleton University, and recruits five on her students to work on her team.  Basically, the entire show starts with these five having just murdered someone, then the show goes back in time to how the whole shebang happened.  Let's just say it's super personal, colluded and absolutely shocking.  Plus, the acting and the characters are friggin amazing.


And that's all for now.  Adios.
Love,
M