Sunday, 25 June 2017

Currently: Thoughts on teenage euphoria, Wellbeing and More on being Asian

"I want this three week holidays to be more wild, but I don't know what I mean by that."  That's what I wrote in my diary a few weeks ago.

I've been going around explaining the intricacies of the cultural barrier between myself and my parents to all my friends.  "When I was 12 and wanted to go to the mall with my friends for the first time, my mother followed me for the entire day." I say.  "My parents are from a different country, and their culture is who they are, and I respect that.  While their rules may seem unreasonable, they're the way they view life and it's morals, and it would be wrong to disrespect them and their rules for that, so I just obey.  I may not agree with their reasoning at all, but it's okay.  It's the cultural barrier."  To what extent this is true, I don't know.

But now, after a few 'incidents', I've been telling my friends my respect is 'broken'.  I am now willing to sneak out and do all the things they told me not to do.  To rebel, and not get caught because I want to try things?  Or to rebel and get caught in order to make my parents mad?  I don't know what form of justification I've been trying to pose.

The need for justification is what I'm getting at here.  I've been questioning why exactly I make the decisions I do - with the real question also being, should I let the need for justification hold me back? Or should I just do what I do when the opportunity arises; no questions asked.

I've been listening to Lorde's new album lately.  Melodrama is very much house-party themed, where she describes the reasoning behind everything through her much admired lyrics; the way in which we want to feel awesome, are young and ashamed, scared of being alone, share only our best side and will lie to do so, are trying to feel different and be different through whatever measures necessarry... is that the justification?  Or does Lorde simply have different reasons, while the rest of us are fuelling some wide-spread stereo-types and peer pressure?  And again, is justification really needed?

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The reason I am writing again after months of thoughtless, whinging existence is because I am 6 months away from graduation.  Before beginning a new chapter of my life I want to become the person I wish to be.  That was my goal for 2017, and here we are: the final stretch.

So it's time for some self-care.  Here's some bullet points:

  • Learn to cook
  • Take care of your body
  • Be aware of your personality, and accept it as it is
  • Think ahead for the sake of your career
  • Accept relationships as they come, not as you wish for them to
  • Identify the genuine people in your life, and nourish these relationships
  • Do things in the moment because you want to - no reasons necessary
  • Be confident, always
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There is a boy I've been thinking of recently.  I don't know why.  I've been thinking about what I would say to him if he ever asked me if I'd go for him:

"Well, I mean, I would if it weren't for one thing: I feel as if you're ashamed of your culture.  It's not your jokes - I think they're funny.  I just know that you're ashamed.  It's hard to explain, but, you know, being Asian I went through that phase too.  Like, yes people sometimes immediately see us as a stereotype.  A lot of the time a few of these stereotypes are a little true about ourselves, and then they make lots of assumptions, and it sucks, and it's hard, and that's when you become ashamed of your culture and of being seen with people of your culture.  I'd like to hope I've grown past that, but I feel that inwardly, underneath all your jokes, whether you're conscious of it or not, you haven't.  And if I were out with you, I feel as if you'd be ashamed to be seen with me because I'm Asian, and how typical is that."

Love,
M