It's been over a month and by far the longest I have gone without writing. Do I even have a blog anymore?
A few other things I haven't done in a while include wearing sunglasses, doing my makeup, being excited and dancing. I haven't done any of these things since school started. I hate to say it, but school has become my worst enemy, the place where unhappiness flourishes and manifests through me. It has become a trap from which I have become the worst version of myself.
But when I try to pinpoint why exactly this is happening, it all comes down to myself. I have come to realise that I am simply a culmination of a whole lot of influence. That is who I am as a person, and while I'd like to think I go deeper than that, I can't seem to find any deeper being. I'm a reflection. I am a human being so blind to other people's flaws that I have been copying them for my whole life, burying any inkling of any independent, opinionated person inside of me until she has died from a lack of nurturing care.
I want to get her back. I understand that she is premature and never had a chance to grow. I understand that she has been underdeveloped since I decided that everyone else was right, and she was wrong. There are so many strong, beautiful, interesting people out there, and I am not one of them.
This lack of personality has me stranded in a race in life that I'll never win. I'm forever looking to those ahead to guide me, that I've been unable to see my own path beyond them. What do I actually care about? What? What do I want that's new? What do I want that the rest of society doesn't want? What do I want that they don't have? You can't see the bigger picture when you're trapped so far inside the smaller one.
But perhaps this isn't how it works at all. Perhaps I am an interesting person, or normal at the very least, and this could be part of what makes me so. Maybe everyone else is just a lot less interesting than what I give them credit for. Either way, it's time I did something about my seven week long de-motivated self.
(wow. I feel so self-centred and self-focused. Is everyone else this self-focused too? Maybe if I became less self-focused I'd care less about all this and be a happier person...)
You know what I've realised? What other people think is actually really insignificant. Or, well, thinking so is a step to gaining a little self esteem. You see, they don't all belong on some pedestal where their opinions should always be considered true. In reality, they're just as important as you and me. I woke up this morning analysing the events of yesterday before realising that I honestly did not care enough to analyse what anyone thought of me, or of anything really.
And if I honestly do not care enough, I honestly do not care about all the stupid things I've been conditioned to care about. In every culture and society we're conditioned to think that different aspects of life are important. Different things are considered fun. Different things are considered acceptable. Different things are prioritised over others. If you're trapped in the smaller picture, all these things considered important by the people around you, they're important and that's that. But look at the larger picture for a moment. Look at the way people in other cultures, or just different people, see the world and live life. Look and you'll realise that all the things your society deems important, they're not the be all and end all of importance after all.
And this realisation, this realisation has me noticing that everything I have deemed important, everything I have decided is worth caring about, is just a manifestation of my susceptible-to-influence, pushover personality. And now that I've realised this, it's high time I discovered what exactly it is that I care about, don't you think?