A spontaneous post to finish off the month:
I frantically run around the house looking for clothes to wear to PE, and my sister does the same. Both my mum and her blame me for all items of the PE uniform being in the wash.
As my sister and I wait in the car she tells me that she has no friends in band, which at first makes me look down on her, then takes me back to some of my own band experiences. I tell her that it doesn't really matter, because we play our instruments most of the time anyway. I also encourage her to talk to girls in other grades, to which she replies that she is not friendly. She will learn in a year or two that that's not how it works.
As we walk into school I state that our parents are crazy, which sparks a conversation as to why. Our mum skipped four grades and hence spent her brief high school life studying before moving out at the age of 15, which is why she is unable to comprehend or relate to our lives as well as most mothers do. Our dad was an over-achieving kid who won all the awards and was good at everything, meaning he loses respect for us every time we come home with a failure. Neither understand the concept of doing something for enjoyment rather than being good at it. I didn't until now either.
After having an avid discussion about physics, I have another rant about physics with AS, which goes off on a tangent towards study techniques and all things that are taking up my life right now - meaning school.
We do this self-organised class-wide compliment sheet activity in double maths because I just really need it in this time of misery - with this heavy weight in my brain that won't move until the holidays begin. I enjoy writing the compliments much more than receiving them because it makes me realise the relationships I have with each and every person, and the relationships I've had over the years. People are so special to me and just because I'm not the best at making them feel as if I'm special to them doesn't mean I can't love them. I love them all very much and I need to recognise this more often.
We pass around chocolate chip cookies while blasting Justin Bieber and solving real polynomials with complex roots.
An impromptu band rehearsal during the day is had, and while my instrument is stiff, I enjoy it. I notice the randomness of instruments and it makes me wonder how people invented them, and how these weirdly shaped things with valves and pipes became so standard, how they worked out so perfectly to be able to make a perfect blend of sounds.
I arrive late to class and am asked to watch a video on changing the skinny stereotype of the modelling industry.
As usual TN and the rest are moving in a pack and are not there at the beginning of lunch, so I sit with another group and discuss how intimidating people can be, and some of the most awkward things that have happened to me. The good thing about awkward situations is that they make for good stories afterwards, and it's fun to laugh about them.
We go for a 2km jog in PE, and unlike the free, flying feeling I had last time, this time it's clumsy and full of stitches. This is what happens when you have PE straight after lunch.
HC asks me whether my parents smacked me as a kid, to which I answer that they did threaten to a lot, but probably only actually did it about three times in my life. I would not classify this as child abuse, nor as detrimental to a family relationship. However, I would also not do the same to my kid, ever. I think it was my parents' culture, but it's certainly not mine.
I enjoy organic chemistry and naming carbon molecules. I just get it.
I come to the realisation that I should probably do something about the fact that I will be missing the entire next week of school, and I have many grades to redeem. Despite having forgotten my PE bag and being late to tutoring, we pay my maths teacher a visit. I need to drum into my head that just because my mark wasn't spectacular, and just because my teacher doesn't think I'm great, doesn't mean I shouldn't show an effort. It doesn't mean I don't deserve to be taking the subject.
I tutor my maths student on surds while taking her on a mission to find my PE bag and my sister.
For the first time in forever my mum picks me up and I tell her all about my day. Normally she would walk into my room late at night and try to talk to me while I'm reading a book in bed, or preoccupied with homework, or writing in my diary, and the entire conversation would result in a shouting match. It's different in the car.
I watch two episodes of Friends while eating easter eggs, dinner and pretzels.
For once the house is quiet and even though I don't need to, I choose to play the piano. I play, or rather stumble, through a beautiful piece full of chords and arpeggios. It makes me feel like I deserve to have passions too, or love things as well, regardless of my ability or recognition or how legitimate I feel.
"You need to sleep, yoh? For physics, ah." A classic example of one of my mum's incredibly random visits into my room. I won't be sleeping until 11pm earliest.
"D-d-don't be arrogant. Do all the possible questions you could get. Study another hour. It'll make a difference." She pops her head in again and I simply stare at her as she says this. A minute ago she said I need to sleep but whatever. I don't think I told her that this physics assessment was an in-class and not a test, and I don't think she has any clue what that means.