Friday 8 May 2020

Currently: Feels like I'm on Adderall 24/7

We're well into the second month of quarantine so you'd think it'd be the perfect time to relax. Most people have succumbed to new routines with heaps of free time to do, well, whatever they please. Theoretically I should be tanning, or staring into space, or feeling calm, or like, not feeling like I have somewhere to be and something to do. Instead I feel more rushed than ever.

I won't cook anything more complicated than an omelette because I'm scared it'll take up too much time. Perhaps I just don't like cooking. Even exercise feels like too much of an unproductive time commitment. Is Chloe Ting effective? What's the point of doing a second booty burn video when it didn't even hurt that much the first time round? I can't binge watch shows, or sit through a movie without going on my phone. I attempted watching anime. Subtitles are hard to read when you're distracted. The only reason I can get through an entire 20 minute episode of Community is because I'm holding out for the end scene between Troy and Abed - the best part of the show. My brain is just bzzzzz... like real world rush hour but with instant teleportation, from one safari tab to the next, constantly doing something.

Quarantine has been like this build up of projects. With all that daunting endless time laid out before me, I felt pressured into being productive... doing every single thing I've ever been meaning to do... which is a lot. It started with writing too much on this blog, then learning how to code, then treating binge watching television shows like a race rather than enjoyment:
  • Russian Doll to be completed in a day - what an incredible chaotic New York vibe. I would like to manifest a part of Nadia.
  • Money Heist to take up all my time - I couldn't do it. 4 seasons in Spanish was too much of a commitment.
  • And now Hollywood for the eye candy - It seems as if 1 season, 8 episodes is the largest commitment I can make right now. And even after a cliff hanger, my fingers are still drawn to checking my phone, over and over... I need to assert my opinions. It's a one-way assertion when it's online.
And then came the obsessive writing - personal essays with fake deadlines, portraying ideas half-formed, writing with nothing really to write about anymore, because supposedly nothing is happening. But with the addition of my extremely difficult now-online degree (medicine, who would've thought that would be hard) there is so much happening. I find myself in the middle of class obsessing over different projects. I find myself unable to sleep because I'm obsessing over different projects. I have 50 million passions right now, and 50 million deadlines, and I'm exhausted. I'm bzzzzzzzz exhausted. 

It's a new manic episode every day. One day I'll fixate on making the most colourful, diagrammatic A3 notes on the mind-numbing topic of syncope - textas strewn across my desk, textbooks open, notes on my monitor, notes on my laptop - for 8 hours straight. The next day I'll be sitting on the floor surrounded by 100 of my dad's old photo albums. The next day I'll be covered in glue and scrap paper. I decided to become a collage-artist. I want to learn how to journal with washy tape. I want to do a workout challenge religiously. I want to become a better med student than I've ever been. I want to become a better piano player than I ever was.

I look at my definitive timetable, and our country's almost-definitive situation, and it seems as if things are going back to normal. That endless time isn't endless anymore. In 2 weeks I'll probably be invited to dinner parties again. Restaurants will be open again. Only 2 more online teaching blocks, which seem incredibly short now, and I'll be in the hospital 5 days a week. I'll have to dress up again. I'll have to talk to people again. I don't think I know how to do that anymore.

Quarantine is like a new life for me. I'm in so far deep, a different person. But I'm not emerging a butterfly. I feel like I'm emerging an alien. Nothing from the old world sparks enjoyment for me. Right now it's just me in my bubble, bare face, hoodie and leggings... and I don't really want to leave just yet. There's so much more to do.

Love,
M


4 comments:

  1. This struck a chord! With all this free time, I feel the same - having to do a million things all at once and ending the day exhausted from thinking too much, and feeling bad I didn't do the thing I set myself to do or not taking this time to take up an online course that will better myself professionally. For the latter part of April I was in this spiral. Thankfully, May came along and I decided to be a little bit kinder to myself, noting that not everything is within my control (I've been obsessing over not finding a new role, when I KNOW companies won't be aggressively hiring!).

    Perhaps we will come out of this as aliens, when we all wake up from this bad trip/dream. I just hope we look fine as heck, with no bobble heads like we see on the telly.

    Sher | http://simplysherlyn.blogspot.com

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  2. I've been over lockdown for the longest. There is pressure to be productive but it is okay to chill. It is hard to go through days because we can't really carry out our normal everyday life. This is the best time to take care of our mental health more than ever. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

    Nancy ♥ exquisitely.me

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  3. It is such a weird time. Some days I am super productive and others I just watch reruns. I think I'll binge Hollywood this weekend. Looks promising. Stay safe!

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  4. I've been in all these places. I went through a movie phase, book frenzy, a knitting thing, and drawing, and writing oh man. Now I feel the burn out. I spend days sleeping and looking out into space even when it's not dark enough to see the stars.

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