Sunday, 19 March 2017

Down Trodden

It's been over a month and by far the longest I have gone without writing.  Do I even have a blog anymore?

A few other things I haven't done in a while include wearing sunglasses, doing my makeup, being excited and dancing.  I haven't done any of these things since school started.  I hate to say it, but school has become my worst enemy, the place where unhappiness flourishes and manifests through me.  It has become a trap from which I have become the worst version of myself.

But when I try to pinpoint why exactly this is happening, it all comes down to myself.  I have come to realise that I am simply a culmination of a whole lot of influence.  That is who I am as a person, and while I'd like to think I go deeper than that, I can't seem to find any deeper being.  I'm a reflection.  I am a human being so blind to other people's flaws that I have been copying them for my whole life, burying any inkling of any independent, opinionated person inside of me until she has died from a lack of nurturing care.

I want to get her back.  I understand that she is premature and never had a chance to grow.  I understand that she has been underdeveloped since I decided that everyone else was right, and she was wrong.  There are so many strong, beautiful, interesting people out there, and I am not one of them.

This lack of personality has me stranded in a race in life that I'll never win.  I'm forever looking to those ahead to guide me, that I've been unable to see my own path beyond them.  What do I actually care about?  What?  What do I want that's new?  What do I want that the rest of society doesn't want? What do I want that they don't have?  You can't see the bigger picture when you're trapped so far inside the smaller one.

But perhaps this isn't how it works at all.  Perhaps I am an interesting person, or normal at the very least, and this could be part of what makes me so.  Maybe everyone else is just a lot less interesting than what I give them credit for.  Either way, it's time I did something about my seven week long de-motivated self.

(wow.  I feel so self-centred and self-focused.  Is everyone else this self-focused too?  Maybe if I became less self-focused I'd care less about all this and be a happier person...)

You know what I've realised?  What other people think is actually really insignificant.  Or, well, thinking so is a step to gaining a little self esteem.  You see, they don't all belong on some pedestal where their opinions should always be considered true.  In reality, they're just as important as you and me.  I woke up this morning analysing the events of yesterday before realising that I honestly did not care enough to analyse what anyone thought of me, or of anything really.

And if I honestly do not care enough, I honestly do not care about all the stupid things I've been conditioned to care about.  In every culture and society we're conditioned to think that different aspects of life are important.  Different things are considered fun.  Different things are considered acceptable.  Different things are prioritised over others.  If you're trapped in the smaller picture, all these things considered important by the people around you, they're important and that's that.  But look at the larger picture for a moment.  Look at the way people in other cultures, or just different people, see the world and live life.  Look and you'll realise that all the things your society deems important, they're not the be all and end all of importance after all.

And this realisation, this realisation has me noticing that everything I have deemed important, everything I have decided is worth caring about, is just a manifestation of my susceptible-to-influence, pushover personality.  And now that I've realised this, it's high time I discovered what exactly it is that I care about, don't you think?

Love,
M


3 comments:

  1. I suggest for you to read Rachel's post about apathy. <3 It's really good, and I also think that it applies to the aspect of caring and not caring about what everyone things. I wish I could say more, but I'm being pulled off to go watch a movie with my brother. >.<

    xoxo Abigail Lennah

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  2. I can't tell you how relatable this post is. What a raw read, and an even closer hit to home. Esp. that part about being a culmination of influence. It's crazy isn't it? We mold ourselves after the molds of others and wonder where they came from, where we came from, how we arrived. There's something to be said for zooming out every once in a while-- both for self exploration and keeping things in perspective. However, I do think it all comes down to the things we feel most ourselves doing. There's a great book out there-- it's called "Steal Like an Artist"--the author talks about the nature of art almost exactly as you've described yourself and humans--a culmination of influence. Every great artist got their ideas from something, someone else, and modified, added on, subtracted, sweetened to taste. In the end, something completely new is created, whether they realized it or not. I try to think of that concept when I'm feeling exactly like you are in this post.
    Keep searching, keep adjusting, keep being influenced and influencing. It does change us, often times for the better.
    xx
    Steph

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  3. Your post sounds like my thoughts. As usual. No wonder I read all your blog posts. :')

    Right now is a really stressful time. Schools stopping me from doing everything and I know less about myself than ever. Or less certain. I wish I could talk about the rest but I'm just going to try and distance myself from whatever we're feeling right now. But I wanted to say something about what you said in the beginning. I think you should go easier on yourself - you don't have to post frequently on your blog if its meant for you, right? I know the guilt but I think blogs should always be a resting stop. Then we can catch a bus back to our crazy lives!

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