Monday, 23 January 2017

School starts in a week

The last few months have been spent floating with no intention.  This continuous routine of planning, walking, eating and when none of these things are happening, deciding on TV shows to watch, have made me forget what life must be like when you're trying to be productive.

My head's been a little muddled in the wrong place lately.  All I seem to be exposed to are friends telling me about boys, sex and alcohol.  What's the latest status? Virgin or not?  They'll tell me about the latest outrageous thing they did while drunk at a party, and I'll be wondering where I've been all this time.  Why have I been missing out on all this?  What are my thoughts on all this?  Are these experiences really that important to me?

With school moving further and further out of the picture, all the stigmas of this teenage culture are moving in.  If all experiences and opinions involving drugs and boys are what all these people seem to find important, then should I be finding this important too?  They talk about it as if however far you've gotten with a boy is what defines who you are.  They see it as a status rather than an act, and without school occupying my brain, I'm slowly being sucked in to these absurd ideas of importance, no matter how hard I resist.

I've realised that saying yes to alcohol is a lot easier than saying no.  Being interested when people tell you about their sex lives is a lot easier than changing the subject.  Acting as if I know more than I actually do is something I feel pressured into doing, and it's absolutely stupid and shocking and immature.  They don't get that having sex does not suddenly make you more mature.

And then, last night, someone reminded me that school starts in a week.  I realised that my life with school involves a lot less talking and thinking about boys, sex and alcohol, because my priorities are different, and neither is better or worse.  This is the age where people are experiencing all these firsts at all these different times, and it's confusing and needs to be seen as nothing more than what it is.  

I am sick of 'living in the moment' and being dazed all the time.  I am sick of not knowing what I find important without it staring me in the face.  I am sick of feeling lesser when people tell me about all the things I'm 'missing out on'.  And for once, maybe I feel as if I'm ready for school to start in a week.

Love,
M

4 comments:

  1. This is interesting to me, to hear about these things from another perspective. I can see why you look forward to school starting and for things to change. I wouldn't say that getting "far" with a boy makes you more mature instead I think that being cautious about your feelings makes you responsible and responsibility is a key to maturity.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh my gosh M, I can't agree with you enough. I remember when I felt almost *exactly* like what you've written here. Hell, sometimes I still feel like it.
    It's hard being that room in my dorm that doesn't go out partying every night, getting drunk. sleeping around... I've only gone out three times since I've been at college and honestly... it wasn't all that it was cracked up to be. Very sloppy, very dependent on how much you've had to drink. I think everyone is, essentially, going through your thought process on their own, putting up facades about boys, alcohol, and sex to test the waters. To see where they stand on the social ladder. What took me too long to figure out is that we're not all fighting to climb the same ladder-- we've each got our own-- wood, metal, different heights, different angles... and we need to climb it at our own pace, with our own confidence, as we see fit.
    I also agree 100% with Vanessa up here-- "far"ness, if you will, with a boy is _so not based on maturity_. The recognition of your feelings, caution, discretion, autonomy (without the influence of alcohol!) and knowledge of yourself *much* better paints a picture of "maturity". I'm finding out even today that I've still got ways to go in terms of maturity. There's no magic age. It's simply a cloud of feelings and zones and where you feel comfortable and in control.
    WHHEEEEEE long rants in the comments sections, amirite? LOL
    *steps off soapbox*

    Anyways (:
    I hope you have a good return to school and I wish you all the best!! <3

    ~steph
    strictlystephanie.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh my god I relate to this completely. The older I get the more I feel obligated to submit to all these things. I find myself being called a bore when I don't drink and being a prude when someone makes a joke about me I don't like etc. I notice more and more the things people spoke to us about as 12 year olds - friends doing drugs, friends smoking, friends drinkin, friends having sex and there is a certain amount of pressure to act this way too. I find fun in other things like Disney and tea parties😂😂

    ReplyDelete
  4. "I am sick of not knowing what I find important without it staring me in the face." I LOVED this line. I can relate.
    I thought I had all the time in the world to figure out what I believed. and then I blinked and suddenly I was being offered alcohol and drugs and my friends started sleeping around and I hadnt even figured out if I wanted to have my first kiss before I got married or not. it was all a very confusing time.

    so I get where you're coming from.

    my advice to you is this: wherever you decided to set your boundaries (whether they be really close to you or really far away.) make sure you make them based on your convictions instead of other peoples, and so STICK TO THEM.

    ReplyDelete