Tuesday, 12 July 2016

Weirdly Happy?

Carefree.  That's what I'd call this feeling.  Ever since the holidays started I have been positively carefree.  I've been going to art galleries, eating lots and lots of food, trying chai lattes in every spot I can, searching and hunting for things to keep me preoccupied, keeping little cards and snippets in my pockets, braiding my hair, listening to music on buses, going to random gym classes, fantasising about following conversations based on ones I've already had, and going on long long walks.

What I haven't been doing is thinking.  I haven't been writing, or blogging.  I haven't been focused on one thing or another.  I guess that's what the definition of carefree is, in a way... and I'm not sure if I like it.

My thoughts aren't words anymore.  They're not structured.  They're not nice clear lines on a page, ready for me to analyse.  Instead I could describe them as a blob.  It's just a huge worry-free, pointless blob.  I need to look at screens less.  I want a Monica-Chandler relationship.  Is it a crush or is it boredom.  I want her to come home.  I feel bloated.  When is my next adventure?  When is it?  When is it?  When?

It's like I can't be alone.  I don't want to be home alone.  I don't want to have to sit here with nothing to do but write and watch Friends and lie in my bed staring at the ceiling.  I have this desperate need to make plans and explore and go out again and again and again all the time every day.

I don't want to be productive.  I don't want to do that unfinished maths homework from two weeks ago, back when school was ending, an entire lifetime ago.  I don't want to start practicing instruments or do my chores.  I don't want to be productive, but I don't want to do nothing either.  I want to have purpose, but going on 'adventures' again and again is not purpose.  I don't want school to start though.  Just the thought that I'll be back at school in a week makes me feel weak.  It'll be the end of this weird happiness.

Do you ever feel that way?  Where you have this phase where you're just never sad.  You don't care about anything.  Life is good, so you make problems for yourself.  Plans, plans, plans - that's all I want to have and without them I feel empty because I have no worries and I'm not thinking about anything.  I have no substance.

I'm bored so I'll obsess over things that aren't there.  I don't care whether it's good for me or bad.  I can't stop.  Obsessions make me happy.  They stand in the place of real thoughts and substance and time I should be spending trying to reach the top of Maslow's Pyramid.  Gotta catch em all.  Gotta find all those geocaches.  Gotta obsessively check who's liked what photo or seen my snap story, even though I don't care all that much.  Gotta look for all the signs telling me he likes me.  Gotta be better than you.

I think I should start writing more again.  I'll think about this blog - this little project of mine.  I'll analyse and analyse and analyse, because overthinking is so much better than not thinking at all.

Love,
M

12 comments:

  1. I've felt this before-- at the beginning of summer, anyways. Get used to the boredom while you can (in the good way), because before you know it, summer's ending. I just came back from the store and they already have supplies for the new year up already. Can't I just enjoy my approximately two months of freedom?

    xoxo Morning

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    1. Haha well I'm only on a three week winter holiday, so school starts next Monday for me and that's waaay too soon. I look at it as the day my life is put on hold again, even though I shouldn't think that way. This break of mine was just a break, and when school starts I have purpose as well as time to go on 'adventures'. Sometimes I can't decide whether I'd rather be bored or busy with purpose...

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  2. This is such a nice post! In the UK we haven't even started our summer holidays yet (they begin in a week and half) and then we have 6 weeks of freedom. There are always lots of days where I feel productive and others were I don't. In the summer holidays it isn't a problem, but on weekends I HATE 'wasting' my weekend sitting around doing nothing - I always just think I have wasted my weekend. I hate that feeling so can't wait for 6 weeks were some days I can do nothing and not have to worry that I have to go back to school the next day and I used up my break doing nothing.

    - www.whatlexieloves.blogspot.com

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    1. But during those days where you do nothing you feel so useless and like time is passing you by, whether you're supposed to be being productive or not. It's like the holidays are spare moments for you to MAKE fun happen, and if it doesn't happen for just one day, you feel like it's a waste. Those one days where I have zero plans and zero activity besides - I don't know - TV... those are the days I feel miserable when I really shouldn't.

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  3. Like Morning, I kind of felt like this at the start of summer. But now, I've kind of found my daily summer routine, and am more engaged. At the start of the summer and even now sometimes. I felt lazy and unproductive, while also not having the want to do something useful.

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    1. Daily summer routines sound somewhat awful though. Sometimes you just don't want routine. Even though without it you feel empty, it's still better than actually having one; in my case anyway.

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  4. I relate to this so much. I'm dreading the prospect of going back to school, even though over a month of summer remains. The way you've put down the way I've been feeling really helps sort it out.

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  5. I'm totally an over thicker too and whenever I think life is good, that I have no problems, I talk myself into thinking otherwise. Just enjoy it!

    Corinne x
    www.skinnedcartree.com

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    1. But sometimes it's just not enjoyable to not think, you know? Like, you have no purpose or something.

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  6. I hate that phase, I really do prefer overthinking and driving myself crazy.

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    1. Now that school's started though, all I want to do is go home and watch TV and not think at all. Clearly I didn't use my holidays very well.

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