He likes me, he likes me not, he likes me, he likes me not...
I think this is why I've been seemingly void of emotions these last couple of weeks. This is why I lay in bed with the intention of reading, while instead my book is lying in my hand while I stare up at the ceiling, thinking about something else. This is why I'm lazy and restless and annoyed. This is why I don't seem to care about anything because it doesn't seem important.
I tell every single person a different vague story because I don't even know what the problem is myself...
Crushes are soul crushing, I say to myself. The first step to every crush is to think they like you back. We're all conceited and self-obsessed like that, and thinking they like you back just makes you so so happy. It's like you have this sick hope that they could admire you as much as you admire them. And what happens when you see them talking to another girl, or get a girlfriend, or so obviously don't like you back? All those little fantasies vanish in a big sea of disappointment.
Boys are so complicated and a waste of time, I say to myself. How do I know whether they like me? They can give me all the signs but still, how do I know? What if they treat every other girl exactly the same? What if I'm pathetically reading way too into things? The point is, you'll never know unless they tell you so. And does anyone actually tell you so these days?
It'll never go anywhere, I say to myself. I think long and hard about the boy, and I wonder, would I actually want a relationship with him? Would I want to change the dynamic of how things are right now? And even if he did like me back, how would it go from there? Often I can't even imagine it.
But then I'll be sitting in a movie theatre, and all I can think about is how nice it would be to lean on a boy's shoulder and have him call me cute. I'll be walking out of school, and think about how nice it would be if he were there to pick me up. Maybe I'm just bored.
So no, I don't like him. I wrote that in my diary yesterday. I don't like him. I don't like him. I don't like him, but I wouldn't mind if he likes me back.
Life will happen, and catching feelings only makes everything more complicated, so don't do it. One day someone I'm in denial of liking will like me back and say so, but until that happens, there's no point in setting myself up for disappointment.