Thursday, 23 June 2016

Boys

He likes me, he likes me not, he likes me, he likes me not...

I think this is why I've been seemingly void of emotions these last couple of weeks.  This is why I lay in bed with the intention of reading, while instead my book is lying in my hand while I stare up at the ceiling, thinking about something else.  This is why I'm lazy and restless and annoyed.  This is why I don't seem to care about anything because it doesn't seem important.

I tell every single person a different vague story because I don't even know what the problem is myself...

Crushes are soul crushing, I say to myself.  The first step to every crush is to think they like you back.  We're all conceited and self-obsessed like that, and thinking they like you back just makes you so so happy.  It's like you have this sick hope that they could admire you as much as you admire them.  And what happens when you see them talking to another girl, or get a girlfriend, or so obviously don't like you back?  All those little fantasies vanish in a big sea of disappointment.

Boys are so complicated and a waste of time, I say to myself.  How do I know whether they like me? They can give me all the signs but still, how do I know?  What if they treat every other girl exactly the same?  What if I'm pathetically reading way too into things?  The point is, you'll never know unless they tell you so.  And does anyone actually tell you so these days?

It'll never go anywhere, I say to myself.  I think long and hard about the boy, and I wonder, would I actually want a relationship with him?  Would I want to change the dynamic of how things are right now?  And even if he did like me back, how would it go from there?  Often I can't even imagine it.

But then I'll be sitting in a movie theatre, and all I can think about is how nice it would be to lean on a boy's shoulder and have him call me cute.  I'll be walking out of school, and think about how nice it would be if he were there to pick me up.  Maybe I'm just bored.

So no, I don't like him.  I wrote that in my diary yesterday.  I don't like him.  I don't like him.  I don't like him, but I wouldn't mind if he likes me back.

Life will happen, and catching feelings only makes everything more complicated, so don't do it.  One day someone I'm in denial of liking will like me back and say so, but until that happens, there's no point in setting myself up for disappointment.

Love,
M

16 comments:

  1. I admire your openness. This is totally a relatable feeling though, best of luck. I know it's hard to stop such thoughts consuming you but whether he ends up liking you or not, it's only a small phase in a long life. x

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    1. Exactly! It's just a small thing, and it's just a phase, and in the long run none of it ever matters... but it does matter now, and my phases do make me in the end. Ah this is why I need to stop putting hope in boys.

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  2. I think everyone can relate to this post. :D Hang in there, I'm sure someone will have the guts to tell you.

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    1. I was hoping it would be relatable. Crushes are the worst. I can't wait for the day someone I actually like actually does.

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  3. I relate so hard. I hate feelings. feelings ruin everything. I'm all for being free of romantic feelings and the like and focusing on yourself, but love, dont stay closed off forever. okay?
    guard your heart. but also, keep it opened.

    that was a beautiful post by the way :) Im sorry boys suck

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    1. No expectations, no disappointments, right? It's not closed off, it's staying safe. And if one day someone tells me they like me, and I realise I do actually like them back, I guess I'll open up, but it hasn't happened yet. Thank you Faith x

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  4. I feel like every girl knows exactly what you are talking about. We have all been there, giving googly eyes to the boy who barely knows us across the room. I think it's more of the thoughts than the actual person that I obsess with. I want someone to hold me and call me cute. It's the idea that I cling to.

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    1. Yeah. Sometimes i really do need to think about whether I like the person, or the idea of them...

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  5. Aw I love your openness and willingness to share this with us all! As a girl, I totally relate to this. We've all struggled with wanting a guy to love us and be there for us. But don't forget who you are and the amazing person you are. The right guy will come along someday and in the meantime, you can join me in spirit watching sad movies and binge eating chocolate in our loneliness ;)

    Elizabeth

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    1. Haha currently I'm questioning whether I only crush on people because it's boring not to. Either way, I take you up on that offer to binge eat and watch movies x

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  6. Thank you for sharing this. This is something i can relate to a lot and honestly i thought i was the only one feeling like this. I had gone through a few crushes during high school and during each crush, the feeling was kinda a long term. But yes, it is just a phase...but the fact that i seem to catch feelings multiple times and it all go through the same cycle..it makes me exhausted in the end. So now, i'm in college starting a whole new life i decided to just be carefree and guard my heart from catching all this feelings.

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    1. I think it's good that all your crushes were long term, because in a way that shows you that they were real. Although, it probably would have been great if something had actually come out of them. If you want to be carefree now though, by all means do it, but if someone comes along and wants to start something, make sure you take them seriously.

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  7. I really admire your honesty. I think we've all experienced this to a certain degree: wanting someone to just turn around and say what they feel, and hopefully say the words you long for them to say.

    But the reality is that these days, that doesn't happen. Prince Charming doesn't ride on a white horse shouting from the hilltops that he loves you. Instead, he treats Cinderella the same way he treats Sleeping Beauty and so on and so forth.....

    Gosh, my metaphors are so POSITIVE, right?

    But on the other hand, we can't hold our feelings back altogether: we need to open up, to let people in, and hope that one day, just maybe, THAT person will find the guts to do the same.

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    1. Actually I'm loving your analogies a lot. You know, even though I say I'm disregarding all 'feelings', they're still there somewhere deep down, and if THAT person decides to dig deep by just saying something, then maybe they'll be let out again. Although, the likelihood of someone liking me back is slim, so it's better to be prepared than sorry.

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  8. I can totally relate to it!
    Having a crush, in my opinion, is one of the most annoying things on earth.
    One minute, you're like, "Hey, I like this guy! He's cute, smart and funny."
    And next minute, you just go, "Oh God, I am NEVER EVER ASSOCIATING MYSELF WITH THIS DESPICABLE VERMIN AGAIN."
    (at least, that's the case with me).
    I'm so glad that you came forth and shared your honest feelings because not a lot of people have courage to do that!
    Stay awesome as ever,
    Much love,
    Archie <3

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    1. Hahah I actually read this meme the other day that was like "Having a crush is so painful and heart-wrenching, but not having a crush is just boring" and I was like, true. Haha so maybe the only reason we have these feelings is because everything else in our lives is going right so we need to find something to worry about.

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