Tuesday, 8 March 2016

Dreamer


I've been watching a lot of Gossip Girl lately.  I started on episode one, season four as a statement to myself: "I can do what I want when I feel like it without any sort of reason whatsoever," and I've just continued watching from there.  I reckon season four is my favourite when it comes to the relationship between Chuck and Blair, with wars and truces and a lot of conflicting emotions.  Their relationship is psychotic and powerful, to the point where it's so completely unrealistic.  Rather than wish for something like it, I simply relish in the drama and the life that no one will ever have.

I guess that's what Gossip Girl has over everything else right now.  I keep having these fantasies of people and places and things that'll never happen.  I know it's not healthy, and I know that all this wishful thinking does is make me disappointed by the events of real life, but making up these stories are a guilty pleasure in a way.  They make me so happy while I play them out in my head.  I know exactly what I say, and if I don't like it I get a do-over.  If I don't like what they say, they get a do-over too.  And what's sad and pathetic is that I see some of these people, and thinking about them when I'm not with them makes me feel creepy, even though I know everyone does it.  I'm too hard on myself.

Usually reading a good book helps - I can delve into a new story, with better characters and better events than my own, but unlike Gossip Girl, some of these books are realistic.  They make me realise all the things I want and don't have.  They make me feel lonely and lacking, and sometimes escaping reality is not the way to go on the road to happiness and content.

Although I've never felt the need for a boyfriend, I realise that all my go-to movies are chick flicks.  As long as they involve a cute guy and quirky drama that every girl secretly hopes will happen to her, I'm on the couch with a huge bowl of popcorn.  My question is, have I been watching these since I was 12, subconsciously wishing for a super cute relationship that's never going to happen to me?

I watched this documentary on Saturday that categorised chick flicks as a sub-genre just for girls.  If you hadn't noticed, these movies are pretty much the only ones that star a female protagonist.  And what are these female protagonists doing?  Well they're looking for love of course.  And at the end they always have a guy who's perfect for them, because obviously that's their definition of a happy ending.  It's come to the point where no matter what movie I watch, I always pick my favourite female character and ship her with some guy, and throughout the movie my main focus is on who she ends up with and whether it's him.  Usually it is.  How sad is that?

In How to be Single they mention this observation as well.  All these characters may seem empowered and sassy or spunky, and even though throughout the movie they go on and on about how happy they are to be single, they pretty much spend the entire time looking for boyfriends.  But How to be Single counts as a chick flick, doesn't it?  And after three boyfriends, Alice doesn't end up with anyone, does she?  She climbs the Grand Canyon on New Year's Day herself.  All she needs is a best friend and a goal.  And you know what?  After watching that movie I had that whole boys-don't-matter-whatsoever attitude, and I like that.

A boy calling me by my full name shouldn't make me feel special.  I don't care if they're sarcastic or tell me they missed me or god forbid, insult me as a joke - because they do that to everyone, and there's no point in competing for that.  I'm sick of this attention-seeking environment, and just because I'm special in my fantasies doesn't mean I'm treated specially in real life.

Maybe my mind has wandered into this realm of thought because as much as I'm sick of thinking this way, I'd become even more sick of my routine weeks without these little mind tangents.  My mum is crazy. Every day she asks me if I need to study, and if I'm not studying she'll ask me why.  "You can always find more maths questions and physics questions to do."

"Yeah, but why?  Why should I do more than I need to and already have?  Why can't I relax?"

"All you're interested in is laziness and fun!  You need to give that up for these two years."

"But I don't think I need to.  I'm already doing a lot of homework."

"DON'T BLAME ME WHEN YOUR GRADES ARE BAD THIS SEMESTER!  IT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT SEMESTER OF THE FOUR!"

"My grades won't be bad and this is not the most important semester...  I'm also incredibly in control.  Do you want me to spell out all my assessment and all the material we've covered and will be covering and what I've already studied, in detail with a schedule and everything?"

"I think I need to ban you from TV."

"No.  I already did my homework in my study period and after school today."

"THAT'S ONLY ONE AND A HALF HOURS!?  You should be doing two or three a day!"

"I only had three classes today, and I finished everything that needs to be done."

"How are you supposed to succeed in life if you're not studying!?  When you start working you will have no work life balance!"

"Why not?"

"Of course you can't have work life balance.  If you have work life balance then there's no way you'll succeed."

"That's pathetic..."

Maybe my mum needs some fantasies of her own.

Love,
M

16 comments:

  1. I have always had that boys don't matter attitude, I still watch chick flicks though.

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    1. I've never had a reason to care about boys either, but obviously if you watch chick flicks you must be somewhat cutesy romantic. Admit that you wouldn't mind having the protagonist's life too - because that says something about yours and most of our views on boys.

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  2. Hah, this is relatable. My mom says this stuff to me. Lately it's been abut why I haven't been doing college stuff... okay mom... :/

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    1. Oh god this is the reason I am most definitely moving out when I go to university. I couldn't bear to have her go on about how uni is more important than high school, and then work becomes more important than uni, and then suddenly I'm retired having accomplished nothing but a career my mum approves of.

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  3. I love how relatable this is! I often fantasise about things that can't possibly happen (or at least I don't expect them to), and then reality strikes... But we can always dream, right?

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    1. But is this dreaming healthy? Sometimes they're possible, but only in the slightest, and if we keep dreaming then there will always be this sliver of hope. You will never look at the people involved in these dreams the same again, because what they do will never be good enough in comparison...

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  4. I loved this!! I do this all the time, and Gossip Girl is my to go series. Seriously. I am right now having a good relationship with my mother, I guess it's because we aren't living together now. Which we will be soon, and it's scaring the shit out of me. But, my mother knows, and a few of my best friends do too. Whenever I am watching Gossip Girl, its to help me heal from something. It's such a amazing fantasy the whole Gossip Girl world has, I think it reaches out to so many people. Its unhealthy sometimes to have fantasies, sometimes it's the only thing that keeps me sane. Or at least a little sane hehe. Love your post as always. I hope things gets better with your mum though, all the best. x

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    1. Thank you!! My mum and I will always be an ongoing issue as long as she has power over me and we live in the same house, so if I had left and were moving back in again, I'd be scared too. I guess Gossip Girl is a healthy alternative to fantasising about real life people and real life things. Alternative realities really do keep us sane in the one we're trapped in, and the universe of Gossip Girl is so much better than anything I could've made up.

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  5. Your writing is so easy to follow & involving. Keep it up!

    Kotryna Bass Blog + Blog Design

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  6. I have a boys don't matter attitude too, but I really enjoy watching chick flicks!
    As for your mum, I can relate to it completely. That's the same thing happening in my house too!
    I have nominated you for the Book Fangirling Blogger Award! :)
    Stay awesome as ever,
    Much love,
    Archie <3

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    1. I guess that chick flicks could substitute for our lack of love lives then, because with them we feel like we don't need boys, because it'll never happen as perfectly as it does on the screen. Mums are weird. Thanks for the nomination Archie! I'll check it out now

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  7. I went through this intense Gossip Girl phase last year. I watched a whole season in one day, which meant staying up until 6am. The only problem was that I had to get up at 7am to get ready to take my English final. Luckily for me English is the only subject I am moderately good at. I guess that is a perfect representation of how I have no self-control and how I can become completely immersed in anything that distracts me from real life.
    There have been times when I will cancel out things in my life just to make time so that I can sit in my room and make up fantasies about the very things I mess up in reality. It's this coping mechanism that I have in which I don't actually cope with anything.
    Relationships with parents are always stressful. Normally my mom and I are really close but recently, due to the tension between her and my dad, it has been incredibly awkward and tense. And as bad as it sounds, sometimes parents don't seem to understand anything at all.

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    1. Making up fantasies where all your problems go away is like the go-to coping mechanism, but it never does anything, which really really sucks. Sometimes action is just so hard to push yourself to take. I've never watched a full season in one day, but I know many people who would applaud you on that, which can't be saying a good thing about our generation's priorities today. My mum today told me that I'm not making enough effort in anything, and that I'm the lazy, flaky one who does the bare minimum to get by. She's kind of right, but at the same time doesn't understand that telling me to be more motivated just makes me less so. Motivation comes from within, and it's just annoying coming directly from anywhere else. You're right. They don't understand at all.

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  8. In our parents eyes we always seem lazy... Its like they forgot how lazy they were in the past. But maybe they just want the best for us?
    My mum always organized my time from the very moring till the very evening. On Mon I had horse riding and 'remembering, mind excercising' classes, Tue violin and swimming pool, wed I had polish (I am dyslectic, so I had to have more polish classes than regular kids to keep the same level as them) Thu again horse and mind classes, Fri again violin and swimming pool. On Sat I had to clean my room for at least 3 h (otherwise it was not clean enough !?!). My mom always said so much activities will train my character and make me appreciate time.
    It continued for 6-7 years. When I finished high school I was so tired with this all, I just had to chill and be lazy. For 5 years I was lazy, smoking weed, drinking, chilling... At first it was fine, but than I got depressed. I was the most unhappy person ever!
    Now for a few years I am back to always-doing-something mode. I guess my mum trained me well. I can't imagine my life with laziness, I am a bit jealous with people who can just chill and do nothing. I can't. I am the happiest ever when I act. Luckily I see fruits of these efforts. (or maybe everybody who actually do something see results of its action?)
    I did not like how my mum fight with my laziness, but the older I get, the more I know I am going to be the same type of mum. After all, now I am the happiest ever.
    Let your mum to educate you every now and than, but do enjoy your free time! You totally deserve it!
    Anja

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    1. I'm the kind of person who loves doing nothing though - or not nothing, rather something else. I love watching TV, eating, and then working on projects like my blog or simply talking to people to pass the time. Good conversations are the best. What I don't like doing but know is a vital part of my existence is studying. I wouldn't say my mum has ever scheduled my life as yours has, but she certainly does enjoy yelling at me to do unnecessary things at random times. I'd just like to know that she knows that I'm capable of making my own decisions. If I want to be always-doing-something, then I'll make that happen myself without her. She's more of a study-all-the-time advocator though, and that's never good.

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