Tuesday, 8 March 2016
I've been watching a lot of Gossip Girl lately. I started on episode one, season four as a statement to myself: "I can do what I want when I feel like it without any sort of reason whatsoever," and I've just continued watching from there. I reckon season four is my favourite when it comes to the relationship between Chuck and Blair, with wars and truces and a lot of conflicting emotions. Their relationship is psychotic and powerful, to the point where it's so completely unrealistic. Rather than wish for something like it, I simply relish in the drama and the life that no one will ever have.
I guess that's what Gossip Girl has over everything else right now. I keep having these fantasies of people and places and things that'll never happen. I know it's not healthy, and I know that all this wishful thinking does is make me disappointed by the events of real life, but making up these stories are a guilty pleasure in a way. They make me so happy while I play them out in my head. I know exactly what I say, and if I don't like it I get a do-over. If I don't like what they say, they get a do-over too. And what's sad and pathetic is that I see some of these people, and thinking about them when I'm not with them makes me feel creepy, even though I know everyone does it. I'm too hard on myself.
Usually reading a good book helps - I can delve into a new story, with better characters and better events than my own, but unlike Gossip Girl, some of these books are realistic. They make me realise all the things I want and don't have. They make me feel lonely and lacking, and sometimes escaping reality is not the way to go on the road to happiness and content.
Although I've never felt the need for a boyfriend, I realise that all my go-to movies are chick flicks. As long as they involve a cute guy and quirky drama that every girl secretly hopes will happen to her, I'm on the couch with a huge bowl of popcorn. My question is, have I been watching these since I was 12, subconsciously wishing for a super cute relationship that's never going to happen to me?
I watched this documentary on Saturday that categorised chick flicks as a sub-genre just for girls. If you hadn't noticed, these movies are pretty much the only ones that star a female protagonist. And what are these female protagonists doing? Well they're looking for love of course. And at the end they always have a guy who's perfect for them, because obviously that's their definition of a happy ending. It's come to the point where no matter what movie I watch, I always pick my favourite female character and ship her with some guy, and throughout the movie my main focus is on who she ends up with and whether it's him. Usually it is. How sad is that?
In How to be Single they mention this observation as well. All these characters may seem empowered and sassy or spunky, and even though throughout the movie they go on and on about how happy they are to be single, they pretty much spend the entire time looking for boyfriends. But How to be Single counts as a chick flick, doesn't it? And after three boyfriends, Alice doesn't end up with anyone, does she? She climbs the Grand Canyon on New Year's Day herself. All she needs is a best friend and a goal. And you know what? After watching that movie I had that whole boys-don't-matter-whatsoever attitude, and I like that.
A boy calling me by my full name shouldn't make me feel special. I don't care if they're sarcastic or tell me they missed me or god forbid, insult me as a joke - because they do that to everyone, and there's no point in competing for that. I'm sick of this attention-seeking environment, and just because I'm special in my fantasies doesn't mean I'm treated specially in real life.
Maybe my mind has wandered into this realm of thought because as much as I'm sick of thinking this way, I'd become even more sick of my routine weeks without these little mind tangents. My mum is crazy. Every day she asks me if I need to study, and if I'm not studying she'll ask me why. "You can always find more maths questions and physics questions to do."
"Yeah, but why? Why should I do more than I need to and already have? Why can't I relax?"
"All you're interested in is laziness and fun! You need to give that up for these two years."
"But I don't think I need to. I'm already doing a lot of homework."
"DON'T BLAME ME WHEN YOUR GRADES ARE BAD THIS SEMESTER! IT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT SEMESTER OF THE FOUR!"
"My grades won't be bad and this is not the most important semester... I'm also incredibly in control. Do you want me to spell out all my assessment and all the material we've covered and will be covering and what I've already studied, in detail with a schedule and everything?"
"I think I need to ban you from TV."
"No. I already did my homework in my study period and after school today."
"THAT'S ONLY ONE AND A HALF HOURS!? You should be doing two or three a day!"
"I only had three classes today, and I finished everything that needs to be done."
"How are you supposed to succeed in life if you're not studying!? When you start working you will have no work life balance!"
"Of course you can't have work life balance. If you have work life balance then there's no way you'll succeed."
Maybe my mum needs some fantasies of her own.