Wednesday, 30 March 2016
An Incredibly Slow March
It's been so slow that I'm writing this post a day early.
Is it sad that a comedy movie like How To Be Single can make me feel so inspired? I just want to feel independent like her. I want to do things I want to do, work towards them, climb the Grand Canyon, go to parties in New York. Partying sounds fun to be honest. I just don't know how to do them right. Dancing among crowds of people who you feel comfortable with, doing crazy stuff among them - that sounds fun. The question is where do you find these crowds of people? Do you need good people skills to have fun, to meet new, exciting friends or beings that become a part of your life. Maybe I need to work on letting go of everyone and become that singular being who can achieve everything. Of course I'm single. I've never not been. It's feeling independent that I want to be.
It's like I was surrounded by gossip today; not people telling me gossip but people near me telling each other... I know I shouldn't be listening in on all this gossip, but it's difficult when it's all literally less than a metre away from me. I should be happy to be getting all this information, but it seems to drain me. I barely soak any of it in and all it does is make me miserable. Standing in that group made me feel miserable... I hate to sat it but all this gossip may as well be stuff of my imagination. When I notice all these things happening around me, I notice how boring my life is in comparison.
I realise that in order to form a relationship with a person, it's more about talking to them than making yourself look good in front of them. That's my problem - because I'm scared of conversations. But how will I get anywhere if I don't have any conversations? I don't know how to fix this image vs contact problem. I don't know if I ever will.
I just feel alone, y'know? I have no one who wants to be around me when I'm feeling silent. TN and I hardly talk, and when we do people are always clinging around her so I can't really say anything... I have no real group. My group is everywhere. I had to sit with others today, and I'm not as comfortable with others. I should be though, shouldn't I? What happened to being independent yesterday?
Texting TN made everything better.
"The real danger is not that machines will begin to think like men, but that men will begin to think like machines." - Sydney J Harris
I remembered everything - It's Not Summer Without You
I don't really like myself right now. Lately I've been very focused on being smart, seeming smart - and that leads to being mean and selfish and seeming that way too. I've been this overly self conscious person and all I want is to be carefree. I shouldn't want to seem smart, I should just be smart. And being smart shouldn't make me feel superior in any way. I can't use that as a purpose for my existence. I can't latch onto something to make myself feel better. And I need to accept that sometimes I don't know what to say. I just kind of wish I was one of those people who other people want to be seen around by default. I don't want to be the opposite. I want people to want to be my friend, but that means I need to want to be my friend too.
Today I eavesdropped on this lady talking about how to a 7 year old, the whole world revolves around them. They blame themselves for everything - the way people treat them, and also only think about themselves. Maybe I'm still stuck in the mentality of a 7 year old...
I feel weak just thinking about how much influence I let people have on me. But I can't think like that. I'm also strong. I don't care if I'm missing out anymore. I'm growing up. All it takes are some nice words and confidence, and suddenly I'm a person again. Either I make an effort or I stop caring. I am a strong person. Kindness is not weakness. I told AB about... probably because I felt pressured to since she's always telling me about her life - but maybe because I feel as if I can open up to her about this...
I am a person. I don't need lectures like these. I think I'm happy now.
"You allow things to cut deep and then you heal slow. You take it each minute at a time, and let the salt sit in your wound... They have made chemicals in your brains do things beyond your control and now you're left to sort them out. That's what it is to feel." - Leli
"Of course, to them, we're just kids. One day, they say, we'll understand. But I wonder if maybe I'm the one who does understand. Sometimes I get the feeling they've asked me to hold this big invisible secret for hem, like a backpack full of rocks - all these things they don't want to know about themselves." - p39, What We Saw
"Please. Judge me by my cover. Judge me by exactly what I've worked so hard to show you." - p59
I think I've got a food problem again. Throughout my hours spent watching TV, I simply can't stop eating. I don't think my body understands the definitions of full and hungry. I just ate dinner at 5pm today because it seems like if I'm not eating, I may as well be doing nothing. My body feels like a balloon. My skin feels stretched and I can't fight the need to keel over. Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I stop eating?
So my tummy pain seems to have gone down now that I've stalked some girl named Jenny Chang for half an hour or so. The thing about gorgeous Asian girls who have pretty much exactly what I want, is that rather than feel proud of them, and of the achievements of my race, instead I feel jealousy. I identify with them, but they're so much more than me. They look powerful and happy, and I'm just not. I'm not the gorgeous kind either. I guess I can't just blob every ABC girl into one category, and I can't feel jealous of people I've only seen fleetingly through their Instagram either - especially when they're some random in America. Trust the first pretty photo of an Asian girl on Rookie to make me jealous. Why can't I just aspire and be? There's no need for this negativity. I'm happy for Jenny Chang and her Instagram, whomever she may be.
"You've got to have amazing friends by your side. They are the ones who make you strongest." - Kat, Rookie
"I don't enjoy observing people as much as I used to. Everyone acts like they're on a stage." - Humans of New York
I reckon I'm happy right now I realise that I idolise people like * and * and Jenny Chang because I want to be like them, or maybe I just want to be pretty like them - but those are unhealthy thoughts. I think the underlying thing here is that I want to be included. I want to be that girl who laughs in the group, who is just as reassured as everybody else, and I need to recognise that I want to be this person. Like in the movie I watched today, she turns up at a dance class alone and is content watching other people have fun, knowing each other, belonging. She's just there to dance. I say what I feel like saying, don't say what I don't. I be what I am, do what I do. People will be people, and I should feel just as reassured as the rest of them. I think I'm happy. I'm content. Today I wore my hair out and contacts in, because I felt like looking good. Making my exterior feel pretty makes me feel automatically more confident in myself. I like that, even though my hair makes my face feel oily and gets in the way; I like feeling pretty. No more stupid words or blurting should be coming from me, because if I say what I mean then there's no way it's stupid. It's time to put on a show for myself and no one else.
Daddy has this picture of me painted inside his head, and he enjoys painting it for other people too. This is why * and * see me as younger than I am, more petty, shallow, two-dimensional. I'm not, but once the picture's made, it's made for the world to see.
My contacts are still in and my hair is still out because I want to feel pretty for a little longer tonight.
"Maybe this sense of how fragile our connections are is what makes us obsessed with saving them - writing them down, taking pictures, recording them in tweets, documenting them with status updates and videos...
Some moments should only be recorded in our hearts." - p320, What We Saw
Let's go back to the notion that you can't like someone unless you know them at lease semi-well.
I'm feeling socially inadequate. At work today I purposely avoided talking to * for who-knows-what reason, and at Dragon Boating I can't stop making that grimacing uber-bitch face, and all I seem to be doing is sabotaging my life. Well, actually, now that I'm writing and thinking about it, I'm really not...
Listening to Florence and the Machine takes me back to planes and Italy, and I'm overwhelmed by this miserable nostalgia. Here I am doing maths homework with nothing but unwanted assessment in sight, and I'll never get what happened a mere two months ago back.
At 5pm AS came over to exercise and I didn't want to but she made me, which is why I need her. I wonder if eating well and being active really does affect your mood. Is there something about health that directly corresponds to happiness? During the work out I had these moments of clarity where I thought about what's been making me miserable lately and why it didn't really matter. I also realised all the things I have to look forward to, and to be motivated for. After working out I went for a walk with her back to her house and fresh air is really what I needed today. It's nice being able to have someone, a few someones in my life, who I talk to without a censor, who actually know me. Sometimes I forget I have them, and being reminded is reassuring. While I was walking I could hear someone practicing the drums inside their house and it made me happy. It made me want to practice the piano. I saw a couple coming out of their apartment holding hands, having a conversations about what he had told his friend. I felt happy for them and their evident comfort with each other. I think I need to start going for spontaneous jogs. Fresh air is good for me. I also want to start writing short stories. Maybe they'll help me admit real feelings and thoughts to myself rather than staying in such a long state of denial about everything embarrassing or abnormal leading to possible disappointment. If there were a list of everyone who had ever had a crush on me, who would be on it? I think I know who I would put on mine.
School has gotten harder and harder right under my nose, and I'm scared for the maths test tomorrow. Today was a happy day, and happiness makes me a better student. Happiness and healthiness lead to a healthy mind, and it's time I retained that. Chocolate is okay too.
Today I took the hardest maths test I could imagine taking and for the first time I'm legitimately concerned about my academic success, the one thing I've never felt inadequate at. The thing is, after the test I was fine, still perfectly happy even, just a little shaken. It was talking to Daddy that collapsed my confidence. It always is. Discussing the problems with him, trying to reassure him, it makes me realise what I could've done better, and my train of thought becomes a miserable what if. He laughs and tells me it'll be funny if I'm below the average, the very real possibility of being way below the best, average - and it worries me. It stresses me. I have to do better next time. I need to be calm even if I'm not in control.
"I'd had a lot of fun cooking with Frances back in the day. She thought she was teaching me to cook, which made her happy. I mashed food like it was Play-Doh, which made me equally happy." - p389, Endless Summer
I realise that I really dislike rude people, and rude is the one thing I am not. I question whether I should be rude back to a rude person.
I just don't think I'm used to people being that nice, and I like it. I want to be more like that. I want to be able to talk to anybody without being self conscious, but rather be un-judgemental and there for the conversation or just to be NICE. Rude people don't go anywhere, and neither do pretentious people. I shouldn't feel the need to be rude back out of annoyance or justice. Tolerance is not weakness, and not all eyes are on me, ever. Maybe I'm a wallflower, and right now I feel okay with that.
I feel like I'm at an all time low. I got * on my maths test, which was literally the average. I am average. The entire test was a mess.
I'm just scared that this mark has set the bar. I just don't want to dislike maths because of this, or give up on showing that I care and trying. I just want good grades. I just want to be able to say that I am smart. Daddy's words are so harsh yet so true, and that's the difference between him and Mummy's persistent ridiculousness. He understands, he's brutal and honest, and right now his honesty is telling me that I'm not as smart as I think I am, and there's absolutely nothing that makes me special. I think he gave up hope in my brains a while ago. He wasn't even disappointed when I told him my mark, because he expects that level of mediocrity. It's difficult having an overachiever like him as a father. Aunty Theresa said that in school his hobby was winning awards, being good at everything - and the fact that I dabble in stuff, that I do things I'm not the best at, that I'm not good at everything - means he doesn't respect me.
At least being upset over something real cures my conversational problem. I can't have one-on-one conversations with acquaintances without freaking out? Well apparently when something drastically depressing happens I can have full on D&Ms. I become little miss I-must-approach-everybody. It's too bad I'm too upset and identity-questioning to appreciate it.
I just don't know what to do with a sinking social life, mediocre grades, and a tendency to crave junk food. I am miserable and I want out.
Yet another bad mark today, but this time full of careless mistakes that make me want to punch myself. I dwell and dwell as if this 20% of my grade is the be all and end all, and suddenly I feel like I'm failing at all aspects of life. Grades take the forefront and all social anxieties disappear in the background. This is so much worse. I need to do better. I don't want to feel so average. So many people are doing better than me now, and what do my teachers think? Where is my pride? I know it's not the end of the world so I need to stop and move on and know I can do better next time and how. I can't let something like this dictate whether I'm happy or not.
Mummy and Daddy are discussing my marks again. I can never escape it.
Sorry for such a negative month.