Thursday, 21 January 2016

Thoughts from Elsewhere


Okay, so I really wanted my first post back from Italy to be of my travel journal, but it turns out getting photos from my phone to my laptop to the computer to the printer to the page is actually really time consuming, and the printer has also decided to run out of ink, so I don't think that travel journal's going to be finished any time soon.

Instead I have a diary excerpt post for you, written from the moment I left home 5 weeks ago to now.  So basically I'm just lazy; as in I want to share my thoughts but at the same time I can't be bothered to write a well-thought-out post right now.


13.12.15

So I'm on a plane and seeing as I have 8 hours to kill sitting in this seat - and I've only endured 2 - I thought I may as well write a little.

It's sad that my biggest worry is the amount of food I'm about to eat and all the food I've already eaten.  Even the rice from the aeroplane's chicken rice is making me feel bloated.  The lead up to my birthday has involved multiple cakes and chocolates, and I'm afraid I feel big.  Not just big in Malaysia but big in Australia too.

Daddy keeps preaching his philosophies on the "I" and how everyone's "I", but apparently that excludes him.  I don't think he realises that it's in our human nature to be selfish because we're all trapped in our complicated whirlpool of brains and we'll never be able to jump into someone else's.  Mummy is the least "I" person I know, and Daddy is one of the most.

I reckon it's possible to genetically inherit characteristics or ways of thinking, because I'm so crazy similar to Daddy.  Sometimes I hate the person he is, but then I realise that I need to love it because that's the person I will inevitably grow to imitate.  He's brilliant and charismatic, albeit annoying.  There's some passion and self-righteous do-gooder in him, but he's also prone to depression, self-doubt while also having some unreasonable self-love and making a childish fool of himself.  Is becoming Daddy a life well-lived?  He's good at everything and majorly intelligent, so I guess so?


15.12.15

Just writing to inform you that Malaysia is hot and humid, filled with card games, Daddy thinking he knows everything, E being smart, S being on her phone while also being nice to talk to, awkward conversations with Koong Koong and SP, StarWars, good food and surprising work out sessions, and myself beginning to spend my days relaxing in a productive manner rather than playing continuous candy crush and trying to somewhat match S in the phone department.  Maybe I'll explain my real thoughts on everything later, but here's my little update for now.


19.12.15

On another note, June messaged me the other day and we're going to be meeting up.  It's been a long time and somewhat awkward, but I'm excited because I doubt we'll have nothing to talk about.


20.12.15

It is a universally accepted truth that High School sucks. - p5, Me and Earl and the Dying Girl

This seemingly innocuous joke has caused Justin Howell to completely lose his shit.  Perhaps it is the mind-destroying anxiety of being back at school. - p13


21.12.15

But then, with the existence of cameras, is anyone really able to live in the moment?  We call for the camera every time we see something beautiful because we just can't appreciate it with our own eyes.  Why am I still considering the people back home?  My goal must be to forget them and remember the now.  In Rome I will have the time of my life exploring with TN, and when school starts I will be objective to the world around me and how I act.  I want to be authentic.  I need to remember that I am the centre.


24.12.15

A friend to all is a friend to none - Aristotle


29.12.15

We are leaving Malaysia in a week and it feels like way too soon, but if you think about it, we're only 2/3 of the way through this trip.  I just feel like we haven't accomplished much, and we're so separated from the family for the rest of the year and every time we come back they've changed a little.  I don't know what I'm excited for anymore though.  I'm excited for Year 11 and even more excited for Rome, but what more do we have to do in Malaysia?  I can't help but feel as if the trip is already over aside from a weekend with the other side.

I guess I just don't feel ready to leave, like Malaysia is my alternative universe where I live in a different home until I actually go home, but it's always been this way, hasn't it?  5 weeks last year and 3 weeks this year is a huge difference.  I don't know how to describe how I feel or describe how I don't really want to do anything about it.  In my English creative I described how I always eventually felt the need to go home, but right now it's the opposite.  I don't exactly fit in the way I should, and I need to before I leave.

I think it has something to do with how last year I felt changed after this retreat, but now I feel like exactly the same insecure show-offy person I was when I came, and I want to go back different.  I want my family to see me as different and I want to return uncaring and ready, but at this rate I'll need to put some effort in.  Maybe it'll be a New Year's thing.

Also, let's talk about S for a moment.  Presently she's playing League of Legends while skyping her gamer friends to sync teamwork and it's midnight and she still lets out the occasional yelps and it's been this way since we got here.  I can't help but feel a tingle of jealousy at her ease amongst these gamer guy friends and the way she genuinely has that whole gamer thing going on and she loves her mum openly and is super respectful and somewhat docile and matter-of-fact.  She has so much family around her that I don't have.  I could even call her untouchable because she doesn't care about friends and status and all that but that's not true - she's an obsessive social media freak and talks about meeting up with friends as if it's the only thing worth doing.  I don't know why I buy into it by showing off how much freedom I have in Australia.  Maybe it's that she thinks less.  Is it that people who think less seem more matter-of-fact while caring immensely about reputations like basic people while also not grasping that anxiety?  But that's just snobby me speaking, who knows she's in a better position in life and is holding onto that as if it's life's one true purpose - and not happiness.


2.1.16

I just don't feel powerful and I feel like trash.  Yesterday I felt attractive so why does my squishy tummy bother me now?  The pineapple tarts are right in front of me now.  I blame them.  I'm worried food will be the one bad side of Rome.  I'm scared food will ruin the entire trip.  I hate food.

Maybe I just need nutrition.  Maybe all the carbs are getting to me because it's the only food group I seem to be eating.  But yesterday I ate meat and fruit and veggies.  I don't understand this and I don't understand why food is such a huge problem for me.


4.1.16

Going to Rome couldn't come at a better time because I legitimately hate the disrespect and injustice that oozes from my family.  They change the story when it comes to me.  My mum says she never snaps, she never gets defensive - but she's also the one who always told me it takes two to argue.  For a 'discussion' to get this heated both participants must be contributing aggressive tones, because one-sided arguments don't happen.

I admit I crossed the line in front of our relatives because due to their Asian agism they've probably never seen this amount of parental disrespect in their lives.  The thing is, a discussion about body image can turn into a discussion about who's speaking louder in my family.  They were asking me to weigh myself in front of everybody, which if you've read my diary you'll know I'm self-conscious about, and I made a statement about how Asians and Australians and all cultures in general have a different image of the perfect body type.  My mum completely disagreed, and I was quite surprised because I guess this is the first time I've heard her opinion on the topic and I've never actually encountered someone who disagreed with what I thought was an obvious statement due to the differences between the way cultures think in every other aspect of life, and the videos we've all watched on how there is no one definition of beauty with each image focused on a different culture's ideal.

I said something about how Asians like skinny and don't work out as much, and how Australians seem to be obsessed with big butts and abs - and then she started getting all defensive about Asians and herself.  She began turning the conversation around to how fickle it is to even think of body image, and kept switching from "not having a body ideal" to picking out a role model.

I just reckon Malaysians aren't as obsessed with body shape, also understandably because they're a lot more modest than Western countries.

It's so hard to love my culture when the imbalance of power between generations is skewed too far towards them, and issues I have grown up thinking are important aren't acknowledged.  I just don't belong or agree with them and that makes me sad.

You know, I watched a Ted talk that basically told me that ranting about negative things like this and "letting it all out" isn't actually healthy.  Here I am crying while opening this can of worms when I could keep it locked inside and think of something happy, which would make me a lot happier without the memory of sitting here and doing this.


5.1.16

I know that last week I was thinking that I hadn't changed at all during the retreat to Malaysia, but I reckon this time round the change came in the form of pride in my cultural identity.  I'm now thinking of Asians in the media and how being Asian and different isn't actually that unique and not negative at all.  I need to stop thinking of my culture as inferior and stop trying to conform to the idea of being 100% Aussie.  I think I'm lucky to have the best of both worlds.

This somewhat rude family on the shuttle-bus got me thinking about whether being polite makes us pushovers, and whether being somewhat rude to the public is the only way to get your way and deal with unfair people.

Sometimes my family is the life of the party, but sometimes we're just the embarrassingly loud people who need to shut up.


8.1.16

Homesickness was my biggest concern last night on the plane from Sydney to Dubai.  After watching  Awkward for the night I couldn't get to sleep and was thinking about how I'd be spending the next 13 days with these same people.

There's no need to impress people not worth impressing, or anyone in general.

There's also no need to look at vanilla ice cream and feel guilt and dread but eat it anyway because it's what's expected.  I don't understand my sudden food hate but all I know is that vanilla ice cream has made me feel sick, whether it's mental or actually physical.

Life is much more successfully looked at from a single window, after all. - p10, The Great Gatsby
- a pretty way of saying it's better to be amazing at one thing than to be an all-rounder.

Why am I still on social media in Rome?


9.1.16

I wonder whether she's saying these things to sound deep, whether people who seem educated really think more than everyone else.  Maybe it's just insecure people trying to make up for their insecurities.  I reckon she's one of those types who thinks they're so right with their philosophies.  I am too.


10.1.16

Everyone seems to need their self validation.  They all make up some kind of life philosophy to give themselves purpose and make them seem special in their own self-image.  Yesterday it was idealism, today it was "popularity" and reputations and connections.  They seem to love experience and drugs as if these things matter.  It's the media that's teaching you this and you need to snap out of it, as do I. But at least I'm not buying into it and being easily impressed.  I hate it when she puts me down rudely and the self-absorbed inner part of me just thinks she's jealous because why else would someone make comments like that and think I can take it.  Even bitching about these people later makes you feel somewhat superior, or having a friendship a gazillion times stronger and more honest in your eyes.  Sometimes I go into this train of thought where I think I'm so much smarter before realising how stupid that makes me.  Sometimes I think her insecurity and self-absorption must mean she leads a miserable life.  LIFE ISN'T A COMPETITION!

It's hard to shake it out when they pin you down.  I hate it when my past self (a different person) is mentioned by them and affects who I am now, or at least their opinion of me.  But do they matter?  It's the fact that they now automatically have to be insignificant simply because original opinions are hard to let go of.


12.1.16

And in the end it's all about impressing people, about how you can make them perceive you.  It's unhealthy.  Even the people you thought were different, seemed so selfless and genuine; they're pretentious.  In the middle of the night their true form shows as they go from overly polite to normal. You see them believe your little tricks as if these actions they witness, these snippets, make up who you are.  They somewhat do and you're somewhat proud but why does it matter?  You like your music because you like it, not because you like the idea of liking it.  You can be what you are without anyone else understanding because your pride shouldn't come from them.


13.1.16

I feel like a two-faced bitch in her little ball of negativity and bitterness, and for the first time I have nowhere to rant about it but here.

I hate to say it, but I'm looking forward to going home.


14.1.16

I've been treating it like an us and them this entire trip but I realise that we're friends for a reason and I don't know why I just forgot all the fun and history we've had together for all these years.  This trip may seem like all the time there is and has been but it's not.

I started considering what's going to be happening when this trip is over and although I'm somewhat excited to return to normal life and rest I'm also reminded of practicing musical instruments, work and eating normal food.

I'm reminded of the thoughts of more important ideas that I usually think of to make myself seem superior to myself - thoughts aspiring to be opinionated like Tavi - or being in my individual bubble and not caring or succumbing to influence.  And while I'm here I just mock vlog with TN and I've slipped into this routine of idiocy and it's all just so easy like we're in our own little world.  Let's not think about that now though.  I'm going to visit the other room...


18.1.16

Now that I'm on the plane and the trip is over the issue of my body has come back to worry me.  My tummy feels physically sick from all the sugar today and my waist is like 30% bigger.  And I know it's to be expected if I've been eating as much as I have, but I can't help but worry.  I just wish it would all go back to normal in a flash but now I'm going to have to work at being healthy and feeling good and I'm scared to think of what would happen if I gave in.

Travelling to another unprecedented place is all fun and explorer-vibey, but travelling back is a different story.  I don't feel like it's all part of the adventure.  I just feel frustrated that I have so many hours to go and my body is feeling like shit.  I'm really excited to touch down in Sydney and see Daddy and tell him about everything.

I'm looking forward to giving my family presents and just hibernating for a while.  I wonder how long that will last for.


21.1.16

GOOD MORNING WORLD!!!  I just wanted to let you know I am now home and extremely rested and as happy as can be!

Love,
M

12 comments:

  1. Keeping a journal is a good idea, I always forget how useful something like that could be. I've been struggling with food a lot lately too. I want to lose weight, but I can't seem to stop eating crap.

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    1. I love keeping a diary, and sometimes I love sharing parts of it too. They're just great to look back on. To be honest, relationships with food are weird, but I think mine is in a good place right now and I hope you find that too.

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  2. i love your blog! its so beautiful im glad i found you :)

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  3. I love posts like this! I can really see a bit of your journey through your writing, it's actually pretty incredible xx

    whiteshirtchic.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. Ah thank you Georgia! For me, reading back on this is just a trip down memory lane, so I'm glad it actually conveys something to someone outside myself.

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  4. Live isn't a competition, but in my culture it often looks so similar... It may be hard to see the difference.
    Stay awesome!
    Anja

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    1. I think my culture is very much the same too because when I got home I realised that my parents act exactly the same as the people I thought were being unhealthily competitive. I realise that while I may not have acted as if I was continuously comparing myself while in Italy, when I got home I started doing it again based on the environment I found myself in in my family.

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  5. This reminds me so much of my own journals, but my journalling wasn't as deep or introspective as yours. Really M, you ought to take up psychology as a subject. You're really perceptive for your age!
    Stay awesome as ever,
    Much love,
    Archie <3

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    1. Hahaha :') If you read my real diary it would be a lot more bitchy.. I just took the bits where I mention people out which makes it all sound super analytical and introspective. Psychology is super interesting though. Thanks Archie

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  6. journal entries are so interesting to read through and girl, i'm sending positive vibes to you for when you don't feel so good x

    http://only4feet9.blogspot.com

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    1. Aw thank you Annick. I'm feeling pretty good but your positive vibes can only make me feel better x

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