Saturday, 2 January 2016

It's hard to dance with the devil on your back

January - that time we walked to Big Splash and it wasn't open

The problem with the whole ‘new year, new me’ idea is that no matter how much you want to change, in whatever way you’ve decided to improve yourself this time, everything that has happened has happened.  All those embarrassing moments and cringe worthy thoughts will always come back to haunt you.

And I think the hardest part of becoming a new person is trying to change how the people you already know view you.  Even if you shake the past away, they still remember it.  You can’t just wipe your world into a clean slate.

But then, maybe becoming a new person has more to do with the individual than every one else.  No matter how much you try to change yourself, you will ultimately still be the same person.  You’ll just be an improved version, and these improvements will slowly penetrate their opinion of you as a whole, not that it matters.

The first step to becoming a ‘new you’ is not shaking away your past, but rather shaking away the people to become separate from your own self-journey, because they’re the only ones holding the past in place. 

February - The first of 20 hours of community service

Anyway, onto the usual new years’ post – the one stereotypical bloggy thing I conform to and love – with all the reflecting on how great 2015 was and how I changed so much from all the new experiences (which is actually very true), and the list of resolutions which I hope won’t bore you to death.  To be honest, I feel obliged to write this post because in last years’ I wrote “Hopefully this will be the first of many New Years' posts.”

March - a school swimming carnival
So, last year on the threshold between 2014 and 2015 I was in Penang watching the fireworks, and this time round I was in Grandma’s house watching my cousin play League of Legends – so not all that different.  I feel like this year I was more open to trying new things and I found that there was nothing wrong with putting in effort and committing, and as a result I guess I learnt quite a bit.  For some reason, if you couldn’t tell by the title, this time round I’m not really interested in dwelling on the past, so let’s just skip to the resolutions:

April - at a birthday dinner

Wear glasses or contacts full-time

My blind days are over.  If people can be seen on the streets in glasses, so can I.  Life’s more about how you see the world than how people see you, and being able to actually see clearly is a start. 

I feel as if wearing glasses also makes you feel like a different person, and if I’m going for that ‘new year, new me’ regime, then this can only be a good thing.

May - the one and only snapchat Monday

Get more in touch with my Asian culture

Just because I live in a predominantly white country doesn’t mean I have to act white, and it’s taken me this long to come to that realization.  I don’t need to live by their common idea of what makes a good life, and I don’t need to feel racist against my own race.  I need to learn to be proud of it.

June - we found really soft sand in Dymocks (highlight of the month)

Learn to love my body

Either I learn to eat less or I learn to love my body, masses of food and all.  I’d prefer the former because that gives me less of a chance of getting heart disease or cancer or something, but even then my brain is going to need a lot of rehabilitation to get to the point of self-love.

July - because I'm vain and think my face looks nice in this photo

Be more authentic

I shouldn’t love something because I think it’s cool to love it.  I shouldn’t pretend I know someone super well when I don’t.  I need to say it like it is, no matter how it makes me seem.  I’m not some bimbo and I’m not pathetic.  Everything I say and do and like: it needs to be real.

August - formal was in this month but this day was more fun

Be less intimidated

People talk loud but they’re just speaking words.  Don’t buy into everything they say.  They’re no better than you.

September - I wore red lipstick and the same top as last month

Be a little kinder

The world isn’t all about me, no matter how much I seem to think so.  My friends deserve nice presents, everyone deserves a happy birthday message, and treating my parents nicer is going to be difficult and I doubt it’ll be happening until I move out.

I reckon I’m a little sour in the sense that if someone doesn’t do something for me, I will inwardly refuse to do it for them.  But people will be people and I can’t control them, but at least if I do something nice for them they’ll be a little happier.  I know the little things really impact me, so there’s no point holding back for them.

October - I went outdoors

GOOD GRADES

It’s in capital letters because it’s the most important. 

My mum is currently on the phone with my dad discussing how our super smart family friend only achieved third in the state, and they are now discussing the ATAR scores of 2015, and they have now moved on to discussing the scaling of subjects and how I need to ‘study hard’ and they are now discussing the ‘double degree’ I will be taking which I most definitely have not agreed to seeing as it has nothing to do with what I want to be.

I want a good ATAR though.

November - spent most of the month hating school and not having a thigh gap

You know what?  I reckon the purpose of new years’ resolutions isn’t necessarily to follow them, but instead to provide a window to your thoughts at the time, to the things you were once concerned about.  Our goals change over time, and by the end of the year some of these may not apply anymore.  I know half the things I said last year were pretty stupid.

December - my favourite month of the year

Love,

M

33 comments:

  1. This is a really lovely blog post. I love that you wrote about deciding to wear your glasses, you said on my blog post about eyes that you wanted to see, that's an interesting promise for the coming year. It's just interesting to see the contrast in yourself, 365 days later, I feel you're a completely different person.

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    1. I feel like I'm a completely different person too, especially after looking through all the photos. It turns out I actually did do some things this year; surprise surprise. Wearing glasses really is an interesting one, and I think it also signifies more than just being able to see. I think it makes me feel more comfortable with myself knowing that my appearance or any stereotypical Asian stereotypes that come from it just aren't important to me anymore.

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  2. I love this post. Especially what you said about being a little kinder - I feel the exact same way when people don't do something I think they should have.

    I have you have a really happy + good year M <3

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    1. Exactly! Fighting fire with fire (even though that's a little exaggerated for something as tiny as this) never gets us anywhere, and yeah sure we all 'know' that but that doesn't mean we really understand the concept.

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  3. First of all, you're like super pretty how even.
    Second of all, I agree with you on how hard it is to change others' perceptions of you. I had a crisis with that back in June, because everyone at my middle school only saw me as the stereotypical nerd, who only listens to classical music and wears glasses too big for her face. I was starting high school, and I wanted things to be different. Over time, I've cut my hair, become more "visual" with the things I like (as in collages on my notebooks, fandom t-shirts, etc.), and things have improved. I think changing yourself in ways that others see - like being kinder, for example - is the key to this. But changing the stuff they don't see - the inside, your attitudes and beliefs - is more important, and should still come first. I didn't try to change my outside image until I'd sorted out my inside image, and so knew what my outside image wanted to reflect.
    Be less intimidated is something I'm working on, too. Be less intimidated to take leaps and try new things. If you go down you go down, but go down with pizzaz and it could still be a positive memory.
    Happy new year, M. *clinks glass* May this be a year of treasured moments & pleasant surprises.

    - Ellie
    http://ontheothersideofrealitynew.blogspot.com

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    1. Your inside image is the one that counts and I think that once that's conquered (which I don't think it ever will) then the outside image will automatically come as a by product. The outside image doesn't really matter anyway.
      One of my favourite things about new years is new stationary, and I think maybe I'll start putting collages on my notebooks/folders too?
      Thank you Ellie! Here's to a year of no intimidation and telling people they look pretty (because that comment really did brighten my mood)

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  4. gorgeous post. ❤

    i agree with the glasses thing- i only wear mine at school because i can't wear them in dance (although i kinda am supposed to wear them 24/7)

    i'm working on being kinder too.

    i agree with the last bit- my goals are kinda guide maps. they're a good way to get started but the adventure gets a bit messed up here and there and occasionally i get lost.

    xo
    emily

    happy new year

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    1. I'm supposed to wear mine 24/7 too, but obviously I haven't. Here's the secret though: with things like sports and dance, contacts work too. As long as you're able to see you're good. And we all deviate from our goals throughout the year, but that doesn't make us lost.

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  5. Loved this post, you're right about one of the hardest things is changing other peoples perception of you! I'm sure it happens over time though.

    Corinne x
    www.skinnedcartree.com

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    1. If you change your perception of you, then they'll slowly change too. And even if they don't, who really cares.

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  6. I hope you have a amazing 2016!! And I love this post, you write so well as always! <3

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    1. Thank you!! Have a happy new year!

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  7. Your so cute, and I hope you have a great year!
    Don't worry about thigh gaps, I don't know many people who have one or care if they did. :)

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    1. I feel like that Jamie Private School Girl three-finger thing actually did get to me, but I'm not pathetic enough to follow these clearly joking trends, so they really don't matter. Ah I think I need to slip this under the 'learn to love my body' goal because I still stick my hand between my thighs or lift my thighs off the chair a little to make them appear smaller. It's stupid but a habit.

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  8. M, this post is so awesome. Thank you:)
    I totally agree that changing how people view you is difficult. That is if you can even attempt to do so. What's even worse is when some people make other people view you differently. And what's even worse than that is when it's relatives and only lies have been told about you. Yeah, that was how my 2015 was. Sucks.
    And I like that you say you want to get more in touch with your culture. Which is what I want to do also. I already am really involved but not being able to speak my language, Spanish, has always been extremely embarrassing. I've been insecure about it since I was little. I am determined to change that though.
    And good grades are something I want also, especially since I'm starting my first day of college in like 18 days. Let's hope 2016 is good for all of us:)

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    1. Oh my the whole other people dictating your reputation thing is so relatable. That's my dad for you. He tells the relatives all sorts of things and now they all think of me the way he does, and he needs to realise that his opinion is not a fact and now they all think I'm selfish and for some reason good at running, which doesn't help me at all. Every time someone goes for a jog they automatically think I want to go with them and then ask me why I'm suddenly not wanting to jog - I HATE JOGGING that's why. And same with the whole selfish thing: every time I ask for something they automatically think I will never be able to compromise and therefore they will never compromise for me. I actually hate this stupid feeling of my entire family not really knowing who I am.

      I think it's really difficult for people to learn a language unless they've been taught it from a really young age, but it's been done many times before and I'm sure you'll be able to do it! I've always wanted to learn Mandarin and maybe that will happen too.

      Good grades are made through hard work, so good luck to the both of us.

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  9. Happy 2016! Love this post!
    You can do anything if you put your mind to it!
    it's always the inside that counts, but you're so pretty too! Don't worry about it or that stress will eat away at you. Enjoy life!
    -Addy :)

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    1. Thanks Addy. I know you can technically do any of these things, but sometimes low will power gets the better of you. Maybe this will be the year I push through?

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  10. Love this post! Happy New Year!
    I agree with you about how it takes a lot of time to change other people's views of you.
    Good luck on your resolutions!

    -Jollygirl @ http://reflectionsofajollygirl.blogspot.com

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    1. But who cares about other people's views? I think the only reason they somewhat matter is because sometimes they affect how you view yourself, but if you don't let that influence in then it's all good.

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  11. I loved reading this! To be honest, my favourite part of becoming a 'new person' and maturing/growing up is that other people don't necessarily notice it. I've been living out of home for over a year and recently moved back in with my parents, and they still think that I entertain old habits I had when I was literally 18/19 (sometimes even younger) and I love proving them wrong. It's hard to change the way people see you because their perception of you is really just a habit! But persist and it shall happen!

    ATAR scores are overrated. Just going to say it. It's important to do well, especially if you want to get into something that requires a high ATAR, but at the end of the day, it's just a number. There are so many pathways into different things now that it isn't the be all and end all. By all means, study, get good grades but also have fun while you're doing it. Don't get hung up over one bad mark and just do the best you can! And if you want to binge watch that TV series on Netflix, just do it, as Shia Labeouf would say ;)

    Best of luck with everything in 2016, M!

    http://www.carolynwestphotography.com/blog

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    1. My parents can't seem to understand that growing up means changing too! I love how you described how 'their perception of you is really just a bad habit' because I think that was the exact thought I was having and you've just made it 1000 times clearer. I guess change has to come from within but it's the people around you holding you back with their bad habits. Why do their opinions dictate so much? Maybe leaving for a year is how you separate yourself from your past self. I'm just scared my parents will forever think I'm that same person, when they never notice the changes inside, yet they still think they know everything.

      I'm aspiring to be a Doctor and when I was reading the ATAR requirements it's pretty much a 99.95 with another exam and an interview, and it all sounds so freaking difficult but I really want to get there. I understand that ATARs aren't the be all and end all, but having a good one sure makes life easier. It's also about making my parents proud with their high study expectations and saving face in the wider family. The final ATAR score is like a symbol of self success, and I don't want my self esteem to go crashing and burning down.

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  12. aww, I love how you've documented each month in pictures/ snapchats! these resolutions are so honest. good luck! high five on having the same blog theme, by the way.

    kalop-cia xxx

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    1. We have the same blog theme!? I need to check your blog out - it's pretty great huh :') Thank you Cia! Good luck with your goals too!

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  13. Happy New Year, M! I like it when I read your blog. Today, reading about your resolution reminded me that I actually don't have many numbers to list because it is only one. I guess, that is change for me. :) I need to focus on something important because I believe that where we focus our efforts is were we get results.


    PS. I hope you'll be a doctor. :)

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    1. Effort most definitely does lead to results and I think new years are just extra motivation to get us to put in that hard work. I hope you achieve what you want to achieve, and that I do too. Thank you Jhecel and have a happy new year!!!

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  14. Happy New Year, M! I wish to fulfill your goals and have a very happy and amazing year!

    Regarding change, I think that people do change. We grow up and we mature and I think that changing is good. I'm not the same person I was when I was 16 and I'm even different than last year. Personally I'm afraid of those who remain the same. So, embrace the change, that's my motto!:)

    Athina @ Between my Lines
    http://between-my-lines.blogspot.gr/

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    1. I love change! I mean, I really quite dislike the person I was only 3 years ago, so obviously change leads to better selves and as we grow older we learn more from all our new experiences. I'm afraid of those who remain the same too. Happy new year Athina!!

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  15. What a lovely post, M! I know it's hard to let go of other people's perception of you but I hope you become the person YOU want to be. And a happy belated birthday (I'm assuming you were celebrating your birthday in that last picture... Correct me if I'm wrong.)

    Xx

    Morgana

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    1. Thank you Morgana. It really is difficult letting go of other people's opinions but I've been working at it for at least a year or two and I think I'm getting there. It was my birthday so thank you for that too

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  16. Happy New Year, M! This post made me smile a lot-- I love all of your resolutions and I have to say many of mine are the same. I wish you the best this year-- I can't tell you what a joy it is to just come here and read your lovely thoughts. Keep inspiring all throughout 2016!
    Much love,
    steph <3

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    1. Thank you Steph. I hope you complete your resolutions as well and I'm glad you enjoy my blog!! Happy new year!

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