Tuesday, 17 November 2015

Proving Myself


My diary since January 1st 2014 is coming to a close, with a mere three pages left to write in.  Perhaps a new volume of thoughts calls for a change in the way I think.

I have spent the last month or so of my life in a pathetically moody state, trying to prove myself.  It seems as if my self-love is directly dependent on validation from everyone around me, and that makes me so weak.  Dependency doesn't suit anyone, and after spending thirty minutes of my day looking in the mirror of a public bathroom and sitting on a bench with my neglected mum, I think I'm a few steps closer to the person I want to be.

Tomorrow morning I am going to wake up with clean hair and good posture.

Here's some diary excerpts from the last month or so, in early celebration of the end of a fully transformed self over the course of almost two years.  Just warning you, this post is quite long so feel free to skip the boring bits.



2.10.15

"But if we call that freedom, then it's the freedom of someone with a gun to their head, choosing between rebelling and following orders.  We're born and raised to follow the leader, to trust society to know better than us, because the only alternative is the chance that we'll end up in the dregs of the world, bypassed and forgotten."

...

Why do the people I'm with influence my mood so much when it should all be under my control?
I feel like I've fallen into that rigid state at work, where I already have friends and can't be bothered to make more.  I'm silent and awkward because I never make an effort.  I have to be fluid again.  Opinions can change and I refuse to be an unchangeable biased person like Daddy.


7.10.15

"Divert these passionate energies towards your school work and squat routines."

I watched the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants for around 4 hours today and I honestly wish I were one of them.  Having a super close friendship from birth and complicated full personal lives at the same time sounds perfect.  I want to be objective and separated from the real world like them.  I want to be content with myself with fabulous friends like them.  I want to be able to know what matters and realise that everything else doesn't.

AS was meant to come over today but she isn't.  It's like I'm desperate to see people, but not in the sense that it's cooler, but rather that I crave company.  Yesterday's little picnic endeavour was perfect, and today was unproductive as hell despite doing nothing.  Why aren't I content without company?  Today could've gone so differently, not that I haven't had a good day.  I just want to be my own person, independent, objective, separated, I can't find the right adjective...

You know, I always used to wish for a friend as a neighbour and now technically I have two.  Why am I so ungrateful?


9.10.15

...and I get that she has good social skills but that doesn't mean she can think she's better than someone else.  I hate people like that, and I hate that I can't do anything about it.  She used to want to go on break with me and go with me to a meeting when ** wasn't around, and it sucks how pathetic it sounds that I enjoyed that.  It sucks that she's the kind of person she is and it sucks that I'm succumb to this...

I feel like there's some who intimidate me, and they are the ones I need to make an effort towards, because no one should intimidate me.


11.10.15

I'm like a time bomb, because I seem to get mad at the tiniest things at the most random moments, and my temper makes me an embarrassment.  There was this cute guy at the mall today looking at me, but I was mad at Daddy and being a bitch and I literally face palmed right in front of him.  Now I'm in a mad mood.

...

...I guess that the lesson here for me is that having a boyfriend isn't about having one for the sake of it, but rather because you have an actual relationship.  My fear though, is that I won't find that somebody.  I don't understand how I could become that close to a guy, be best friends, feel absolutely special - it's incomprehensible.  But then, I'd rather be alone than with someone because I think that's what's 'normal'.  I'd like to think I'm independent enough.


15.10.15

Apparently Aunty Jennifer was on her way to the clinic when this two year old kid fell onto the curb and hit his head.  This guy picked up the kid and ran him straight into the hospital and moments later you could hear the pregnant mother crying.  He had died.  It's crazy and absolutely tragic how life can be taken away in a flash - and even I felt like crying when I heard this story.  I actually can't imagine how I would cope with the non-existence of someone I love, how life would even go on.  And here I am worrying about how I am in band.

...

Oh god, that woman has just experienced the saddest day of her life.


16.10.15

As the awards ceremony draws nearer I'm getting more and more concerned that I won't win one.


17.10.15

It's like I think that everyone is better than me and I'm not worth anything.  Why can't I register that I may be better than them, and I don't need their approval.  Why can't I see that I'm just as capable as anyone else?... When I look in the mirror I see a normal looking person, but some of those pressured words coming out of my mouth don't suit my appearance.  I can see myself being that happy other girl, so I need to imagine myself in that position when I open my mouth.

...

Work was fun today, so clearly it's my social anxiety that makes me miserable.  I can be fun and funny and even extremely dorky and I like that me.  It's time to stop being so nervous.  I need to repeat this to myself,


22.10.15

What is wrong with me?  Why don't I care about my grades anymore?  They seem like a secondary priority and now it's finally hit me how badly I'm doing, and how little I care in some aspects.  I realise this is the first time I have handed in a half-hearted assignment.  I need to bring it all back up again.  Thinking, work, captainship, friends - grades are more important.  I think the reason I'm denying my downfall is because I can't accept coming to terms with failure.  I'm acknowledging it now and it's time to pick myself up.


24.10.15

I want to create something.  When I think of writing a blog post I think of the now, but I keep forgetting that I can write a piece on the everything.  So many things happened in the past that mean something - and 15 years of acquired experiences gets forgotten along the way.  I'm going to write a piece, not a rant.


25.10.15

Work today was actually amazing.  I love talking to the new people, and one of them goes to ** and is taking all of the subjects I'm planning on taking next year.  I also saw A for the first time in ages and JD and BC also seem to think I'm fun.  Maybe that's because I am fun.  I don't understand why I doubt myself so much.

** also told me about how some people are still talking about that formal blog post, but my question is do I really care?  I mean, it's a little humiliating but the people I know have gotten over it, and all the other little repercussions don't matter.

I read this Vogue article on Taylor Swift today, and I want to be able to write an article like that.  I want to have the ability to convey complex ideas in a way that people will fully understand.


27.10.15

"She's always told me that changing looks has nothing to do with leading a unique life.  It's usually a sign of a pretty ordinary inner self."


29.10.15

I'm using being sick as an excuse to justify the things that come out of my mouth.  I'm continuously phasing out and everything feels like a constant buzz, but I don't think that has anything to do with feeling sick.  I always used to write that I wanted to be that disjointed floater, but all that does is leave me being completely random, and I do care what people think.  I should be focused enough to do my work to the best of my abilities, as well as be present for conversations and what I do.  I don't want to be scared, but I don't want to be awkward.  I don't know what I want to do, but I'm telling myself that I'm not sick, I'm just daydreaming.


30.10.15

I'm currently in my formal attire and after nights like these there's always a lot to think about - which shows how uncarefree I truly am.  Getting ready with RT and TN was exactly like the makeovers that happen in movies...

...But then I did enjoy myself.  I really did.  I met some nice people... and that's always nice.  I guess social events are made for making yourself look good and meeting new people.  Or maybe I should just go for the dancing.  I always love the dancing.


31.10.15

I don't like the person I am.  I keep thinking I'm one of those deeper self-assured people, but I'm the opposite.  I'm an insecure, unempowered person and everyone seems to know it.  I want to be able to do independent things without seeming pathetic.  I want to hold my head high and stop making jokes about how much I suck, or acting as if I'm inferior when I know I'm not.  If I stop believing it, I'll stop being it.  I don't need people to think I'm awesome, and I don't need them to know I've changed either.  They can figure it our for themselves.  What I do shouldn't be affected by what they think.  I'm not trying to create an image, I'm trying to be a being.


2.11.15

Today I went to one of those cliche slam poetry readings you see in movies and books, and I am so glad I went.  It's people - real people from my very real school - reciting rants about life and their problems and human nature in the specific society we live in.  It's like Rookie or any of the blogs I read, but in real life.  I heard about anxiety, youth, gender, confusion, depression, refugees, feminism and the schooling experience.  These people opened their deepest feelings up so eloquently and I don't understand how someone has the courage to do that.  I felt like such an artsy cliche, but a try-hard because I don't feel hipster or cool enough.  All I can say is: I'm glad I went and I would go again.

"How every now and then she'd stare off into the distance, or chew on her pen, or examine her split ends, then come to again."


4.11.15

I need to stand taller, both figuratively and physically.


6.11.15

I'm able to talk perfectly and laugh perfectly, but somehow they would prefer others over me.  Right now I sound like a jealous show-dog...

I was walking with ** after school today and almost every person we passed said goodbye to her - "Have a nice weekend."  How does someone become approachable like her?

CARPE DIEM - Dead Poet's Society

"We don't read and write poetry because we think it's cute.  We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race.  And the human race is full of passion.  And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life; but poetry, beauty, romance, love - these are what we stay alive for."

"I'm not like you, alright?  You say things and people listen.  I'm not like that."
"But you could be."


7.11.15

It's like she's trying to separate me.
She has been for a while.
The story of the cart and the pelican
It's repeated every time.
Is she jealous?

I'm so incredibly tired.
It's been a long day.
From 6am to 1am
Even though my eyes are closing
I will read tonight.


10.11.15

I need some love and I don't want to go to sleep and be alone with my thoughts.  How long is it going to take before I get over this damn leadership thing!?


13.11.15

She's one of those people they describe in memes where they're like "When everyone likes a person and you're just like WHYYY" or "Person I hate: breathes.  Me: Can you not."  I never thought there'd be a person like that for me, but it turns out that's her.  And the biggest problem: I can't bitch about her to anyone so it's like there's this pent up dislike for her boringness, unfullness, unoriginality and conforming nature inside of me.  Why can't I let it all go?  If she's that unimportant then why does she even occupy space in my brain?


14.11.15

MY PEOPLE REVIEW GOT PUBLISHED IN ROOKIE!!!!!!!


15.11.15

I question the way I carry myself.  I question my fashion choices, and why it's cool to be minimalistic or dress in a hoodie that screams "not trying hard."  Why must I stick one leg out as if I'm relaxed, or not treat clothes like art to cover my body?  Do I swim with society or paint myself?  Do I act intimidating and too pretty or do I act down-to-earth and borderline insecure?  Is it better to be proud or beneath?  Is this all based on others' opinions?  Should I care?

...

As for the #PrayforParis trend going around, I don't know what to think.  The recent events are absolutely appalling and I wonder what could possibly cause humans to invoke such cruelty on their neighbours - with the motive of what?  What could they possibly think justifies this much violence?  It seems as if there's always a war taking place - Australia's history is dotted with them with no break.

Girls are using this #PrayforParis thing as a way to show their humanitarian side, whether honest or following the crowd or trying to prove themselves.  Despite the motives behind this social media sharing, it can't be bad the amount of support being created, even though those changing their profile pictures aren't helping those affected by the attacks or have any idea how much pain they must be going through.

And when the #Prayfor... extends to other countries going through turmoil (who have been for a while), I wonder whether those being activists for these acts of violence are trying to one-up the rest or are simply using this as an opportunity to create more awareness.  Some people seem to be being put down for only acknowledging Paris, and I think that's stupid.  These hashtags weren't created for the purpose of showing how humanitarian you are - or maybe they were.  They think those acknowledging every other country care more and it's as if this trend has made people feel the need to prove themselves - prove they care.

I guess people are the power behind a movement, but I still don't understand how we will ever reach world peace when it is in human nature to fight.


16.11.15

I don't understand why people are the way they are: whether completely heartless and inhumane, or mildly judgemental and deluded.  But then, maybe there's a way to not be the forgotten one.

...

I'm a fraudy fake fraud and I feel as weak as the mentally unstable James in the book I'm reading and I hate it.  Why do I say things I don't mean?


17.11.15

I was doubtful about whether I should've dropped my shift at work to go to the Peru meeting today, but I'm really glad I did.  Maybe it's that I'm easily persuaded by well-made 'inspiring' videos or that I'm in serious need of an adventure, but I really want to go on this thing in 2017 no matter who goes with me.

Over the last month or less J from Melbourne/my childhood has been texting me, and she's coming to this city for some camp thing next month, so that means I think I'll be able to visit her.  This thought only just hit me and I am surprisingly excited.  My best friend from 2005 will be here, and it'll be a nice change having kept in contact with someone who could've been if I'd never moved.

...

While I may have made changed, I think my sister has too.  The difference between her and me though, is that while it's taken me this long, she's already two years ahead.

Love,
M

10 comments:

  1. It's great that you can write such thoughtful things in your journal and then follow up in your blog, I can only keep up with one of the two! A lot of these entries are really relatable.

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    1. My diary is a lot more frequent and messy than my blog, but it's nice being able to share some of the things I've written in there as well. Thank you so much for reading.

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  2. I feel like such a voyeur but its really interesting to see into someone else's diary and find parts that you've written yourself once upon a time, like wanting to communicate complex ideas in a way that's clear to people

    Aida

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    1. I love that some people can relate to what's written, even if just once upon a time. I guess we need to remember that we're never the only ones.

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  3. Your journal is so thought provoking, I could never do something like that. And the thing about that little kid made me cry, oh my gosh. It seems like you've really changed throughout the entries, in a good way of course :)

    ~Noor

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    1. Thank you, Noor. But to be honest, I feel as if my attitude hasn't changed at all. I go through phases, but in the end, even after all my written pep talks, it takes more to form a new person. And anybody could write a diary, because we all think. You should give it a go, and you'd be surprised what you'll read back on.

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  4. Your writing is so beautiful. Thank you for being so honest! Insecurity and self-doubt and introspection are all things I have struggled with, and continue to come up against. It's tough! But I've been praying lately and asking for the Lord's help because I sure as heck can't defeat the inner demons on my own. I went to a poetry slam recently, too. Aren't they amazing? People are so beautiful....and they make themselves so vulnerable when sharing spoken word art. It's empowering.

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    1. I feel like during the period of time where I wrote these entries, I had the view that people are beautiful too. It's unfortunate that I now feel like I'm in a different phase, where I'm just so disappointed in the imperfect attitudes of everyone. I've found that people don't enjoy being around someone insecure, so I've got to be the opposite. If you love yourself, you can make them love themselves around you too.

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  5. Your diary makes me realize how my diary is a complete chaos. I love your writing, it's just so lovely. Thanks for sharing this with us, I know how personal a diary can be! I loved every little bit of this post :)

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    1. Oh trust me; if you read my diary you wouldn't think the same. It's hard to believe considering how much is in this post, but I've missed quite a few entries out. Some writing just isn't nice enough to share.

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