Friday, 6 November 2015
I Feel Unwhole
Today I came to the realisation that I'm separate. The classroom dynamic has changed drastically since the beginning of this year and I feel as if I've become that annoying person; the second choice, the one left behind, the one to be pitied. I used to be the ultimate pitier. It's not very nice being on the other side.
I don't know whether I consciously distanced myself from that group and am only now realising the repercussions. I don't know whether the inevitable change in friendship dynamics overall have affected their opinion of me. Either way, I am no longer part of that group, and I no longer have a place in these classes.
I could try making an effort to reinstate myself, but maybe it's not worth it. I always say that talking to those who you want to talk to at the time is the way to go, but I've found that it's not enough. Being seen as someone who belongs by those I belong with is what I want, and I may have taken that away from myself. I may be seen as someone to talk to, but that's not the same thing.
They seem to think I'm friends with people I'm not, and seeing as I'm not friends with a lot of people I'm expected to be friends with, does that mean I don't have enough friends? I know that when it comes to friends, being able to count them on one hand is meant to be plenty, but I feel so much more drained than I used to be. I may talk to more people, but I certainly don't have as many people to talk to.
All those people I considered my friends last year, I don't see them as people to save a seat for anymore. But then, I have a lot of people I consider close this year, and I can't say I've ever considered many people close before. Maybe my friendships have shifted, and maybe they're an accurate reflection of personalities rather than class streaming.
I just feel so unapproachable. I feel so rigid and cold-hearted and negative. I'm untouchable, and that's not a good thing. My dad is always saying I look like a bulldog, like I always have a purpose to where I'm going, but I don't think I look that way. I wouldn't even want to somewhat look that way, because no one ever wants to approach the tough bulldog with a purpose.
It's like my personality is dying half the time. Is it the social anxiety that is killing it? Or is it the repetitiveness of school, the repetitiveness of people, the repetitiveness of phrases and conversations until every day feels the same, and everything I say becomes robotic. Maybe I'm unapproachable because I've become boring.
Or maybe I'm not making an effort to be interesting. But should I be? Should I feel the need to make an effort? I know I'm not some kind of 2D being. If I feel the need to say or do something interesting, I will, but there's no need to make a serious effort.
I'm not the huggable type either. Occasionally I'll ask for a hug, but I'm not the one they lean on or embrace when they first see me. I'm not sure if I'd want to be that type anyway. But why do I seem so unaffectionate? Is anyone really whole if they don't feel the warm feelings of belongingness and friendship in the gooey sense, symbolised by hugs?
I bet when people think M they think serious, intense, negative, shy. Or maybe they just don't think of me at all.
Then again, all these thoughts only came about today, and maybe it's all just a phase. As they say, don't let a bad day make you feel like you have a bad life.