Friday, 6 November 2015

I Feel Unwhole


Today I came to the realisation that I'm separate.  The classroom dynamic has changed drastically since the beginning of this year and I feel as if I've become that annoying person; the second choice, the one left behind, the one to be pitied.  I used to be the ultimate pitier.  It's not very nice being on the other side.

I don't know whether I consciously distanced myself from that group and am only now realising the repercussions.  I don't know whether the inevitable change in friendship dynamics overall have affected their opinion of me.  Either way, I am no longer part of that group, and I no longer have a place in these classes.

I could try making an effort to reinstate myself, but maybe it's not worth it.  I always say that talking to those who you want to talk to at the time is the way to go, but I've found that it's not enough.  Being seen as someone who belongs by those I belong with is what I want, and I may have taken that away from myself.  I may be seen as someone to talk to, but that's not the same thing.

They seem to think I'm friends with people I'm not, and seeing as I'm not friends with a lot of people I'm expected to be friends with, does that mean I don't have enough friends?  I know that when it comes to friends, being able to count them on one hand is meant to be plenty, but I feel so much more drained than I used to be.  I may talk to more people, but I certainly don't have as many people to talk to.

All those people I considered my friends last year, I don't see them as people to save a seat for anymore.  But then, I have a lot of people I consider close this year, and I can't say I've ever considered many people close before.  Maybe my friendships have shifted, and maybe they're an accurate reflection of personalities rather than class streaming.

I just feel so unapproachable.  I feel so rigid and cold-hearted and negative.  I'm untouchable, and that's not a good thing.  My dad is always saying I look like a bulldog, like I always have a purpose to where I'm going, but I don't think I look that way.  I wouldn't even want to somewhat look that way, because no one ever wants to approach the tough bulldog with a purpose.

It's like my personality is dying half the time.  Is it the social anxiety that is killing it?  Or is it the repetitiveness of school, the repetitiveness of people, the repetitiveness of phrases and conversations until every day feels the same, and everything I say becomes robotic.  Maybe I'm unapproachable because I've become boring.

Or maybe I'm not making an effort to be interesting.  But should I be?  Should I feel the need to make an effort?  I know I'm not some kind of 2D being.  If I feel the need to say or do something interesting, I will, but there's no need to make a serious effort.

I'm not the huggable type either.  Occasionally I'll ask for a hug, but I'm not the one they lean on or embrace when they first see me.  I'm not sure if I'd want to be that type anyway.  But why do I seem so unaffectionate?  Is anyone really whole if they don't feel the warm feelings of belongingness and friendship in the gooey sense, symbolised by hugs?

I bet when people think M they think serious, intense, negative, shy.  Or maybe they just don't think of me at all.

Then again, all these thoughts only came about today, and maybe it's all just a phase.  As they say, don't let a bad day make you feel like you have a bad life.

Love,
M

16 comments:

  1. This post is so true. Sometimes you just realise that your 'friends' never include you in conversations, plans etc, but I've learnt to cut them off and make new friends.

    Neriah | My Life In A Tab

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    1. When it comes to my friends, they're absolutely amazing. It's just the forced groups you need to turn up to, the classes you're put in - and belonging to groups for each activity would make life so much easier.

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  2. Very relatable.
    I feel this way about my aditude towards people I don't know. It's weird becuase sometimes I want to be involved in the non sense that goes on with the "in" group in highschool while other times I could care less. I don't want to try to make new friends becuase I shouldn't need to try to seem interesting. I know I am and you are too. If it's not a phase we shall learn to accept it.
    -Vanessa

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    1. Today was actually a really good day, and sometimes you become somewhat funny or interesting in the moment because you feel like it. I think the whole not-trying part is what we need to know, because we shouldn't become show-dogs for other people's validation. I hate that feeling of wanting to be involved when what whoever the loud or the majority is doing shouldn't affect you at all.

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  3. I can relate to this so well! When I was in secondary school, I'd ask myself more often than not who my real friends were and this would make me feel insecure about myself. You see, I talked to loads of people, but I never felt like I belonged to a certain group. I'd hang out with 'friends' at school but they almost never included me when they were doing something fun (they were, however, very friendly around the time of exams and stuff... Good friends, weren't they?). This would make me feel bad. We should just be ourselves. Be you and if you have to change yourself to be their friend, they don't deserve your friendship at all.

    Xx

    Morgana

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    1. Talking to people and belonging with them is never the same thing. I think you can tell when they genuinely consider you to be part of that group, and when they do it feels great, but when they don't it's a question of whether you want to leave or stay and prove your worth.

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  4. I was thinking about something similar recently,and i came to the conclusion that if i find it exhausting then it's not worthit.Because when it comes to real friendship,the effort you put in doesn't even feel like work because you enjoy it and want to do it.Effort is inevitable to make things work.But when it comes to friendships i don't think it should be so exhausting lol :-) xoxo!

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    1. They say real friends are the people you don't need to impress. You don't even need to try when you're with them - and I definitely have people like that. In a lot of situations though, you won't be able to be around your friends, and that's when this unsatisfied feeling of unbelonging sets in.

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  5. I do understand this kind of pain, I experienced that in college but that part is luckily over, as yours will be too.
    But do keep this in mind, pain is just weakness leaving the body, and being in pain now will greatly help you later in life and you will be far more capable dealing with problems that your classmates that are just having fun now, which has no long term benefit for them.

    http://dreamland1234.blogspot.si/

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    1. I reckon all my classmates experience some kind of issue in their lives, and I reckon these feelings are definitely good to learn from, and perhaps analyse? Or maybe I'm analysing things too deeply...

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  6. Yes yes yes I get you! I experienced something similar to this last year, but I just decided to not bother completely and I lost a lot of friends that way - but I'm re-meeting one this Tuesday so just because something may seem broken now doesn't mean that you haven't got the ability to ever put it back together.

    You've written this so well, in a way that almost makes the pain seem poetic. I get you. You wrote this all so perfectly.

    Whatever happens, don't lose sight of yourself. You're an awesome person, and sometimes you need to just focus on yourself and take care of yourself.

    Amy;
    Little Moon Elephant

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    1. Thank you so much Amy! I love your final piece of advice because I need to realise that who I am isn't dictated by other people. The amount of friends I have or the people who accept me are impartial to the judgement of my being. Friends will come and go and what will happen happens.

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  7. It happens that from the most popular we become a least wanted... But sometimes it happens that we become a bit more passive, so all the change starts from our own approach to life... It is up to us how the environment sees us.
    Stay awesome, ;)
    http://anjage.com/

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    1. I don't think it's up to us how the environment sees us, but I do think the way we act and feel influences it. If we become more passive, of course we'll begin to feel worse about ourselves, but I really do think what other people think shouldn't matter.

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  8. Hey, school sucks, it does. I don't have too many fond memories of any of my primary, high school or uni years - as for the time spent in classes that is. So if you say (to Neri SeesRed above) that you have amazing friends, only the forced groups are annoying, then you have it made. Just live through the annoying part and cherish the time you have with your friends. Yes, it would be easier to get along and be chummy with everyone at all times, but it's far from mandatory. And besides - it truly can be just a phase, so don't put too much thought into it. Just say 'fuck it' in your head a lot.:)

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    1. I feel like it was a phase, and although these people may seem more distanced, I think that was coming from me more than them. All I need to do is contribute and be there, and I belong again. I don't know when I started thinking of them as separate, but if I change my state of mind maybe they will too. I think they already have. As for my friends, I really do think I've made it.

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