Tuesday, 29 September 2015
Diary excerpts from this month. Feel free to scan like you're doing a word search. Look for something worth reading.
No matter how much I try to motivate myself, how many lists I write, how strict I am on paper, nothing seems to work. I flake out, procrastinate, and eventually it is never done. This is the worst time to be in such a funk. It's the middle of assessment period and I'm short on time already.
I can't understand why I can't stop liking her. She has some uncanny resemblances with Iago, but was Iago really all that bad?
I feel so utterly miserable. It's like I'm trapped in a continuous cycle of boredom and I can't get out. I don't see the point of school, yet I also do, and I'll be spending the next days, weeks and years devoting myself to it. I know I have the choice to not be so conventional but I'll never take it.
I see the same people everyday. The only thing that excites me is food, and even that is a curse. I wonder if my whole life will be as glum as my immediate life seems to be. I want to be someone who is forever moving, because sticking in the same spot seems so cumbersome, but isn't that the meaning of home?
Assessments are all there is. I don't want to work on them yet I also don't know what my purpose is without them. Episode after episode, blog post after blog post, I may as well be productively working towards my 'future' instead.
It's either a lot of people are being irritating or I'm in a bitchy mood.
For the first time I'm actually starting to feel like a failure. As a somewhat arrogant person, this is a crushing self-purpose-questioning experience. My grades are slipping, and my ability-confident nature keeps blaming it on subjectivity. It still is. But today's maths test could be a symbol of my downfall. For the first time I walked in not aiming for that 100%. I wasn't anxious when I got to the last question and found I couldn't do it. Normally I'd be panicking but I didn't seem to care. For the first time I think getting a B grade in maths could be a possibility unless I step up my effort, the amount I care.
I reckon a lot of results in the world really are biased, but if the official mark is set based on it, you're a failure all the same.
I just don't understand my misery. Does writing actually make me more miserable? I just feel like I'm so meaningless, like everyone would be exactly the same without me. I feel like I need to have more being, but I do. I have loads of friends and people to talk to, so why do I feel so worthless?
I'm feeling exceptionally self-fulfilled and I'm not sure if I like it. I just feel somewhat... alone. Today I was floating, and I was content with being alone. I didn't mind who talked to me or what they thought of me, and I don't now, but I'm beginning to wonder if individuality is what I want. Or am I more of a people person?
But then, people are so flimsy and unreliable and I don't want to depend on that.
"But perhaps the monsters needed to look out for each other every now and then" - p483
I feel like I'm being the ultimate pessimist. I experience encounters that would have sent me over the moon only a year ago, but now I disregard them as another part of my everyday boredom. Maybe this is just a sign of how much I've changed as a person.
"My stomach has entered a perpetual state of what I can only describe as 'butterflies', as I nervously flit from class to class, thinking of all the work I have, people I must impress... I go to sleep, wake up, and repeat the same routine on yet another day" - Rookie
I feel like I should be annoyed when they all jokingly make fun of me for my semi-fake antics, but I just don't care. I feel like it's a breach of my self respect but to be honest, a lot of the time it's just who I am and if they're not harming me or anybody in a mean way, it doesn't even affect me. Is that what a strong person would do though?
"They say everything happens for a reason, but that's when the problems start forming... the obsession to find out why things happen to us" - some blog
"You don't judge people do you, Charlie? You just kind of watch them." - p148
It's annoying and kind of saddening how people let their perception of reputations dictate what they do.
I don't like how she gravitates to them for reputation, and that's why I feel so smug when she's not invited to stuff I am and when we hang out with them and she doesn't, because she loves the idea of being friends with them so much. It's painful being left out and I should feel sorry for her rather than misanthropically victorious.
Mummy always asks me why I'm so self conscious, so maybe if I don't care about this I will defy that statement. What's there to judge anyway? It's not like they'll treat me any differently, and if they mention it I have a very plausible reason. But the thing is, it doesn't matter what they think of one insignificant incident because that's the way life works.
"We are solitary creatures that come together in packs so we can survive as a species. We'll do anything to preserve the social status quo, including omit, deny and lie. Complete honesty would be detrimental to the human race." - p240
I kinda want to study anthropology.
"I like your coat. Will you marry me?" - p251
I feel like I've been in denial about how awkward I am around boys. When there's another girl around I am totally fine, but as soon as it's just me and him (or hims) I grow silent. The situation becomes tense and I have no idea what to say, so I either say something stupid or get my phone out. The thing is though, I feel like there's nothing I can do other than the fumbling I do now. As TN says, Jenna Hamilton is our spirit animal but we'll find a Matty Mckibben some day. All I can do is keep not clicking until I finally click.
"I wish for a life so brave, so unpredictable, so full of unexpected joys and unforgettable love that no box could possibly contain all my memories." - the last page