Thursday, 27 August 2015
Miserable Little Slob
I reckon one of our biggest fears is of not mattering. If we're not special, mediocre, just a meaningless face in the crowd, then we've lost our sense of purpose. If we don't have something to identify us as better comparatively to others, then what's our self identity? We look to things like good grades, invitations to parties and beauty to give ourselves a sense of self worth - when in reality what we are is made up of more than any of this subjective 'evidence'. Sometimes I think that it's better to be talked about in a bad way than to not be thought about at all, or is that a breach of the universally deserved self respect?
It's been one of those weeks for me, and it's only Thursday. After handing in the assignment I've been putting my life on hold for, it finally hit me how out of order everything is. I pride myself on my health and organisation, but once that's taken away I feel a flood of low self-esteem.
My food addict problem has gotten worse in the last two weeks. With such an unreasonably weak willpower, I've been eating everything I can get my hands on. There was a plate of cupcakes sitting in the classroom last week, and when I asked who it was for the lovely baker said we could eat them. Nobody took one, and seeing as I was on a "healthy diet" since that morning, I didn't too. Five minutes later they were still there and I was still staring at them, and finally I couldn't take it and I had to eat one.
The same goes for the chocolate in the cupboard, the bowls of popcorn I've been popping for every movie, the peanut m&ms at work, the TimTams in the morning, the halves of those ginormous canteen cookies, all the extra food sitting around at lunch; I ate it all despite telling myself not to. The thing is though, I feel so sick afterwards. If I overeat my carbs or have chocolate my stomach becomes uncomfortable all day long. I know this will happen yet I still eat, and every day I stop being healthy is another day where the bloating and the discomfort gets worse.
My fitness has definitely disappeared, and I only realised this last week when I found that I couldn't swim very fast at all, and I was tired. I can no longer do those leg lifts I used to find so easy. Sit ups have become less rhythmic and more sporadic and achy. I gave up on an arm exercise for the first time today. I can't do nearly as many burpees as I used to. I haven't jogged in quite a few months. My body is rejecting everything I do, and that's one aspect of me lost.
I say I'll sleep enough, and I've trained myself to want to sleep enough, but I don't. Every morning I feel like I'm fine, but the tiredness always hits without a fail. Fatigue makes me inarticulate, a downer, and I hate that feeling. A day is not fully spent if you're tired while living it. If you can't think straight then what's the point of being there?
I tell myself I want to write and play the piano. I always think I'm deep enough to create - which is probably a personal self-promoting mechanism; but in reality all I want to do is lie on the couch and watch movies. I want a nice big bowl of junk food that I know will make me sick. My skin will break out, I'll feel like an oily mess, and I'll regret it but that's all I want to do, because I'm a lazy slob like that.
I wish grades and school didn't matter, and I wish I could act like it doesn't, but I know that next year will be a nightmare and assignments really will count towards something, so I can't stop now. I can't be a burnout no matter how unmotivated I feel. It's probably not in my nature to adopt that state of mind anyway. Grades are one of my self-illusions. I tell myself I'm better because I'm an above average student, but having good grades isn't a reflection of how much you matter at all.
Having a strong body is a true self-esteem booster, but with that gone I feel so weak. All this junk food and exercise talk could be mistaken for vanity, but sometimes it's a matter of feeling healthy that makes you feel alive.
So today I'll wallow on the couch with the television on. I'll eat junk food, but hopefully a controlled amount. I'll feed my cravings.
But tomorrow, when I regret tonight, I promise you I'll get my life in order. I'll clean my room, clean the sink, go for my first jog in months, do everything I've been meaning to do but have procrastinated to the point of oblivion, and I'll put my mind in the right place.