Thursday, 27 August 2015

Miserable Little Slob


I reckon one of our biggest fears is of not mattering.  If we're not special, mediocre, just a meaningless face in the crowd, then we've lost our sense of purpose.  If we don't have something to identify us as better comparatively to others, then what's our self identity?  We look to things like good grades, invitations to parties and beauty to give ourselves a sense of self worth - when in reality what we are is made up of more than any of this subjective 'evidence'.  Sometimes I think that it's better to be talked about in a bad way than to not be thought about at all, or is that a breach of the universally deserved self respect?

It's been one of those weeks for me, and it's only Thursday.  After handing in the assignment I've been putting my life on hold for, it finally hit me how out of order everything is.  I pride myself on my health and organisation, but once that's taken away I feel a flood of low self-esteem.

My food addict problem has gotten worse in the last two weeks.  With such an unreasonably weak willpower, I've been eating everything I can get my hands on.  There was a plate of cupcakes sitting in the classroom last week, and when I asked who it was for the lovely baker said we could eat them.  Nobody took one, and seeing as I was on a "healthy diet" since that morning, I didn't too.  Five minutes later they were still there and I was still staring at them, and finally I couldn't take it and I had to eat one.

The same goes for the chocolate in the cupboard, the bowls of popcorn I've been popping for every movie, the peanut m&ms at work, the TimTams in the morning, the halves of those ginormous canteen cookies, all the extra food sitting around at lunch; I ate it all despite telling myself not to.  The thing is though, I feel so sick afterwards.  If I overeat my carbs or have chocolate my stomach becomes uncomfortable all day long.  I know this will happen yet I still eat, and every day I stop being healthy is another day where the bloating and the discomfort gets worse.

My fitness has definitely disappeared, and I only realised this last week when I found that I couldn't swim very fast at all, and I was tired.  I can no longer do those leg lifts I used to find so easy.  Sit ups have become less rhythmic and more sporadic and achy.  I gave up on an arm exercise for the first time today.  I can't do nearly as many burpees as I used to.  I haven't jogged in quite a few months.  My body is rejecting everything I do, and that's one aspect of me lost.

I say I'll sleep enough, and I've trained myself to want to sleep enough, but I don't.  Every morning I feel like I'm fine, but the tiredness always hits without a fail.  Fatigue makes me inarticulate, a downer, and I hate that feeling.  A day is not fully spent if you're tired while living it.  If you can't think straight then what's the point of being there?

I tell myself I want to write and play the piano.  I always think I'm deep enough to create - which is probably a personal self-promoting mechanism; but in reality all I want to do is lie on the couch and watch movies.  I want a nice big bowl of junk food that I know will make me sick.  My skin will break out, I'll feel like an oily mess, and I'll regret it but that's all I want to do, because I'm a lazy slob like that.

I wish grades and school didn't matter, and I wish I could act like it doesn't, but I know that next year will be a nightmare and assignments really will count towards something, so I can't stop now.  I can't be a burnout no matter how unmotivated I feel.  It's probably not in my nature to adopt that state of mind anyway.  Grades are one of my self-illusions.  I tell myself I'm better because I'm an above average student, but having good grades isn't a reflection of how much you matter at all.

Having a strong body is a true self-esteem booster, but with that gone I feel so weak.  All this junk food and exercise talk could be mistaken for vanity, but sometimes it's a matter of feeling healthy that makes you feel alive.

So today I'll wallow on the couch with the television on.  I'll eat junk food, but hopefully a controlled amount.  I'll feed my cravings.

But tomorrow, when I regret tonight, I promise you I'll get my life in order.  I'll clean my room, clean the sink, go for my first jog in months, do everything I've been meaning to do but have procrastinated to the point of oblivion, and I'll put my mind in the right place.

Love,
M

38 comments:

  1. It's so easy to feel down and so much harder to pick yourself back up again. You'll get there :)

    Meg'xoxo

    http://ladymegg.blogspot.co.uk/

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    1. It takes such strong motivation and will power to get all these things done, and I don't seem to have any right now. Tomorrow has come and I've made some progress, but sometimes it just feels better to be lazy.

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  2. Sounds like you've got a good plan in place, that's the first step! Don't be too hard on yourself though! I'm always finding that I feel guilty about food, and that's not a healthy relationship with food either.

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    1. I reckon I have a really unhealthy relationship with food. I love it so much, and that makes me hate it. Food is torture. I think I need a better plan.

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  3. "Because one believes in oneself, one doesn't try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn't need others' approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her."

    Don't be harsh on yourself, M. As long as you believe in yourself and don't give up, you will achieve your goals. I hope everything will work out for you.

    Xx

    Morgana

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    1. I love the idea of self validation. I've noticed that people look to others to validate them, and it's what's considered respectable or cool around us that often subconsciously dictates who we are. I hate that state of mind and would much rather being content with myself, and I truly am trying. Sometimes you don't know whether it's the influence speaking or not though.

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  4. This post is kind of heartbreaking :( but I'm giving you the boon of the strength of an elephant so you can get your life back in order :*

    WonderGoth

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    1. Thank you for the bone of the strength elephant <3 I feel better already.

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  5. You really shouldn't be so harsh on yourself. I know exactly how you feel before. With sports as well I know the feeling of how at one point you would be so good you now can hardly do something. I had that when I blacked out back in 2013 and I had to spend 3 months out of sports for heart problems and after 3 months of none stop eating. I went back to training and realised my fitness was no longer the same. I was once 7th best in Yorkshire and now I hardly make it to top 20.

    You shouldn't be so hard with all the little things in life that get you down don't see them as a bad thing see them as a motivator to prove them wrong. Or just ignore them and do the things that make you happy. School, work, sports. Anything can get us down at some point but it how we react that make us who we are. I certainly don't see your person as being the sort to give up so easily. So carry on through today put a smile on your face and brave the world the best you can. As I'm sure the world will smile back at you eventually.

    The Grand Regime
    thegrandregime.blogspot.com

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    1. Thanks. I'm so sorry about what happened in 2013, but it's awesome that you have the capability of being that good in a sport. We should count our blessings that we truly do have things we're good at. Life really does have ups and downs, and I guess it's all based on how we feel at the moment, which affects our perspective. I should be fine with the down for now, because I know life will pick up soon.

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  6. I agree with what someone above said. this post is sad, and you shouldnt be so hard on yourself. I know because the entire time I was reading this I was nodding my head and thinking that I could have written that myself. Thats how much I understand. Ive fallen off the fitness band wagon, mostly because of college and not enough money to buy the things I need. I know it makes me sick, yet I eat junk anyway. I totally get that.

    but I have something I do whenever I'm feeling that way.
    I look in the mirror and I repeat "you're okay." I dont know why this helps me, but it does. I guess to me it means that, I'm still beautiful despite my bloated stomach, yes I cant bike 12 miles a day anymore but Im okay; I'm intelligent, creative, kind, and compassionate. I'm okay.

    You're gonna be okay too. Dont beat yourself up over the things in the past, and dont eat better because you hate yourself, do it because you love yourself. if you work out out of self hate, you'll only get burnt out. do it for the rush you feel when you finish, do it because you love how you feel. dont do it for numbers or other people. do it to feel better. and understand that you're a human and you make mistakes. dont be so hard on yourself. okay love?

    stay strong gorgeous <3

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    1. This is beautiful and i needed this. Thank you. I hope it helps you too M, we are here for you.

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    2. Thank you Faith. I feel like the whole junk food exercise thing is something everyone can relate with, because we all have relationships with food and our body. Junk really does make me feel sick, so out of love for my body I need to control myself. That doesn't mean I should stop though. Yes, everyone wants to have that perfect body, but is it really worth having it? Sometimes food feels like a curse and I'm sure there's a better way through this relationship - some kind of compromise. You're right that we shouldn't compare to our past selves though. They were in completely different circumstances. I don't know what needs to be done...

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  7. Life is full of ups and down, and it will push you down, push back. You got this.
    :D

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    1. I'm sure life will push me up again soon. It's just a phase. Thank you Skye

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  8. I can agree with a lot of this. I've been feeling kind of like this lately and I did a post similar to this one too <3 We're all in these together, okay?
    xoxo. best of luck.

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    1. Thank you Arushee. That's what I love about all my issues - other people have them too. I'll be reading your post x

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  9. I've become such a food addict too. I try to stay in shape though, and I go to the gym three times a week. xD

    Rachel @ A Perfection Called Books

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    1. I will exercise when I finish replying to these comments. I promise you I will. Gyms sound fun and all, but I'm too self conscious to go alone. Today this girl at work gave me half a block of chocolate and I feel absolutely sick. I will exercise. I promise.

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  10. I can really relate to everything you've written, especially during the school year, so I'm definitely not looking forward to school starting soon. And I believe you'll get your life in order even if there come the days when you feel like doing nothing and just watching TV all day long. xx

    Sara Wallflower

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    1. I haven't had a single day of relaxation in weeks - so maybe a day of TV and TV only is exactly what I need. It's like all I want to do is laze around. I haven't used my school diary in ages, so now I'm behind on school work as well. Everything's a mess, but I will try to get my life in order. I really will.

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  11. Your blog posts are always so deep; you say you aren't deep enough to create right now, but look at what you have written M!
    I feel the same, and hopefully I'll be able to stay organised enough in this, my final year, to get myself on track, and I'm hoping you do too, whatever you think that right track is, because only you can decide that!
    Great post, as always M!

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    1. My brain's a jumble of confusion, Eve. I don't even know how I'm supposed to be anymore, and I'm always thinking about how I'm supposed to be. We always say we'll get back on track, but when you don't know how to be, you don't know how to act, and you don't know what to do.

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  12. It happens to all of us, M.
    Every morning (Well almost every WEEKDAY MORNING), I grandly make a To-Do list and then, I feel so lazy that I end up doing nothing productive.
    I can totally relate to what you're going through. But do not be disheartened. There are dreary days and there are days when you feel like the brightest star. So focus on the happier days and do not mull over the dull ones!
    Stay awesome as ever,
    Much love,
    Archie <3
    http://eeriefairy.blogspot.com

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    1. I think I do need to start the To-do lists. Sometimes they don't work, but at least having one lets you know what you need to be doing. Writing it down makes it seem more real. My room's not clean yet. Maybe I need to add that to the list. There are happy moments, but I'm not sure if there are happy days.

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  13. I feel you. It's vvvv okay to feel down and low one day and get up and fix everything next day. That's how I live my life and I regret no part of it. We're young people, we have space to make mistakes and live with them. Just don't worry, you're a whole fucking universe in yourself and you don't need anyone else to tell you how good or bad you are, babe!!!

    xo, www.notyourtypeblog.com

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    1. I love that: you're a universe in yourself. We're learning about astronomy in science at the moment, and I can imagine billions of spiral galaxies and nebulas inside my head, expanding as new ideas keep flowing in. It's all so confusing and I just wish I knew exactly what I want and how to get there. But maybe it's okay to be confused, because the universe is a magnificent place.

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  14. You've just gained a follower in me. You've got such a way with words; it resonates and it's poignant.

    It's terrible, isn't it, that we've got such a sick need to be talked about and that, once we lose ourselves, we're a complete mess in an even messier world. I have those days a lot, too. Where I just feel like an utter failure but I feel so completely miserable about myself that I don't do anything about it. It's disgusting, but I think, with writing out my feelings, just as you have done here, and writing out a resolution, just as you've done here, it's a start to bettering myself, ourselves.

    You've obviously gotten a pretty rough week going for you, but I know with the resilience with which you type these words (your use of imperatives and stylistic reflection are testaments to this), you can do it. You'll stumble along the way, you'll feel the same way again, but you'll get through it. I'm on board your journey, and I'm rooting for you.

    Good luck.

    May | THE MAYDEN

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    1. (Just casually replying to this because I forgot to hit the 'Notify Me' button. Alright.)

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    2. Thank you May Cho. You'd think that after writing all this out, my problems would seem more tangible and I'd find the determination to overcome it all, but I feel like that hasn't happened. Sure, I have bursts of motivation where I become productive and actually have some willpower - but it goes away all to quickly and I start feeling messy again. Maybe life is just a cycle of the good days and the bad (although for me it's more like a good 5 minutes and then a bad 5 minutes) because even once you get through it, everything becomes undone once again.

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  15. An amazing post as always, I LOVE the way you explain things. Keep up the fantastic work :D

    I'm having a Blogger Choice Awards and would LOVE for you to enroll! Thanks :)

    Rukiya XX

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    1. Thanks so much Rukiya! I'm checking out your Blogger Choice Awards now. That's such a great idea!

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  16. Nice post :) Kiss from France, Sand.

    FRENCH GOES BACK TO SCHOOL with BOOHOO on my FRENCH BLOG:
    http://www.taimemode-fashionblog.com

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  17. I know what you mean. There's always so much that I want to do and become but I never know where to start. Sometimes it all seems so meaningless, so pointless, and I'm afraid that if I get what I want I still won't be satisfied. If that's true, then what?

    / Avy
    http://MyMotherFuckedMickJagger.blogspot.com




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    1. Sometimes everything feels meaningless, so I guess all we can do is what we feel is best at the time, and if it doesn't fit we have the freedom to change, right? It's all about bravery and choices. I don't think we'll ever be satisfied, to be honest.

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  18. I know what you feel. Great post dear !
    please follow my blog : THE COLORFUL THOUGHTS

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