If you're not reading this, that's great.
I feel like I'm Dan from Gossip Girl, and I hate Dan from Gossip Girl. You know that part where he writes a book about all his friends and they get really mad at him? Well, I feel like that's happening to me, except less upper east side TV drama, and more me overthinking everything in my own mind.
If I've offended or hurt you in any way, I'm really sorry. I can't imagine what reading something seemingly based on yourself must feel like, because we all get a little sensitive when we hear anything about ourselves. Just know that this is a blog of the negative. I rarely ever write anything on here unless I've had a bad day or am feeling frustrated, which is why reading this may make you think I'm really sad and pessimistic or something. Keep in mind that I also have so many positive opinions, but most of them simply aren't featured on here.
I know the wise thing to do now would be to delete this blog and start a new one, without telling anyone what it's called, but I really don't feel like doing that. I love all the commenters and readers I already have, and I'm not prepared to start on a clean slate. I also have the feeling it wouldn't be too hard for someone to find out again.
I will, however, be more generic about everything I write. That means no more targeting specific people, and no more obvious possibly insulting references. As one of my wise friends (who I'm not sure has completely forgiven me) said, "just know that some things are better kept to ourselves."
Yesterday felt a bit like an interrogation, which is understandable. I'd much rather people find out what I think from my face, rather than reading stuff behind my back. I was asked whether I felt bad about writing what I've written before people had read it, or after. I'm not sure what I answered - I may have possibly avoided the question or stumbled through some kind of half-understandable response. To be honest, I didn't think anyone would read any of this, and no I didn't feel bad when I wrote it. A lot of the stuff I write are simply rants in the moment, and everyone has opinions and long trains of thought; I just happen to write mine out here. And I know people have said it's a public site and how could I not see this coming, but I truly didn't think anyone I know really read any of this.
So I guess my answer is that I really did only feel bad after people read the stuff on here, because some of it really is offensive and I don't like the fact that I've possibly hurt any of you or that any of these hyped up thoughts have even entered your mind. Some things aren't meant to be seen for a reason, and I didn't think any of this would ever be shared. This blog was completely innocent before it became all too real for you.
If you're under the impression that this blog is just a place where I bitch about people, you're completely wrong. If you've read my posts, you'll know that this blog is literally all about me, and there's probably only two posts (one that's now deleted) in here that are directly about anyone anyway; and I'm sorry about that. From what I've heard, I feel like a lot of you only read this to look for stuff about yourselves, which is fair enough, and I just don't want you to get the wrong impression about what I'm writing about here.
I know this is really unfair of me, but I'd seriously appreciate it if you'd stop reading this blog - or if you're really that curious at least read it at home, not in front of people in the middle of school; and please don't tell anyone else this thing exists. If they ask what my blog's called, just tell them to ask me. You have no idea how self-conscious and irritated it makes you feel when an entire group of people are all just crowded around a laptop, looking at your blog right in front of you, when you'd told them just a minute ago to stop looking at it.
I'm not really sure why some of you continued to read it or told others it existed when I made it pretty clear I didn't want anyone reading it, but I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume I just didn't make the message clear enough. I know our lives are somewhat boring (including mine, which is why I don't get why you're reading this blog), but I'm sure there's loads of more entertaining things to watch or read aloud to everyone, so let's just not do that again.
If there's one thing I've learned from the unnecessary drama created by this, it's that a small incident can feel so huge in my mind. I'm not sure if it's my imagination, but quite a few people are treating me differently, whether it's that they're being more distant or wanting to talk about this topic with me more than they usually talked to me before in the first place. To be fair, I've also been bringing up the topic quite a bit, because it's still stuck here in the back of my mind knowing that people are reading these posts. Over the last few days I've gotten over 300 page views from Australia, and that's quite a few more than usual.
I feel like people are really bad at talking face to face, because of the lack of real confrontations from both a pissed off me and any surprised readers. I know that I explain things much less eloquently in person, and I'm way too scared to tell some people how annoyed I am, but I'd much rather talk it out face to face than have something discussed behind my back.
Some people are also treating this complication like it's funny or just another piece of drama. I guess I would too, if I weren't the cause of it.
So if you know me personally (including any relatives my mum has blabbed to, and my mum) I'd really appreciate it if you didn't read this blog. And if you do, at least read it discretely. In some ways, it's daunting knowing that people I know may be reading what I'm writing, but maybe that could also be a more honest display of myself. Just keep in mind, if you ever think you're reading something about you, what I'm writing will be based on people in general and what you're thinking probably has more to do with your own self reflection.
And always remember, if you want to know what I'm thinking you can always ask :)