Monday, 17 August 2015

A Better Mind


It's funny how the trivial things can mean so much; what people say can dictate our perception; common culture can make up too much of what we are; we become dependent on all things materialistic, all things considered normal, and sometimes that's okay, no matter how pathetic it may feel.

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Sometimes I feel like it's okay to step into the background and let someone else lead.  Being part of the group is enough.  These situations become a bit of a pity party, because I wonder why I'm okay with this.  How can I let myself slip into the background and become just another person there?  It's like I put way too much pressure on my interactions with people I'm not close to, like it's not good enough to just be there, but I have to be the centre of the there too.  I used to think that being loved and strong and looked up to was how to have a better mind, but I was wrong.  Speaking when something feels like it should be said is enough.  There's no need to be that loud person at the centre when that's just not you.

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Yesterday they had another conversation about drinking.  I asked a 'group question' as an experiment; "So group question you guys!" I yelled, which received a few teasing insults from the guys and eventual curiosity.  "How old were you when you started drinking?"  They went around the room answering my question, treating alcohol like some kind of sign of superiority or whatever.  "Oh man you totally started drinking at like 13.  We all know it." one guy said to another, who started laughing.  "Nah man, more like 12."  The last person to answer coughed and said softly, "I haven't yet." which received a pathetic "aw" from the girl next to me.  And the thing is, I bought into this topic, enough to have asked the question in the first place.

They had been talking about a farewell party I'd ditched the week before, and one girl was talking about how I'd missed out on so much.  "This was the first party where I drank alcohol that wasn't vodka." she said proudly.  That was when this guy outwardly assumed that I'd never drunk before because I'm Asian.  "Excuse me!?  What's that supposed to mean?" I said, before confirming that yes, I'd never drunk before, to which they said I was so cute.  Later on we relayed the same conversation with different people, to which this girl said, "You don't drink?  That's good!"  It was the first opposite viewpoint I'd heard all day, even though she followed with a joking, "But if you wanted to you could come over and..."  To the racist Asian comment she also said, "Dude, don't take that.  Seriously, you should just go and kick him in the balls." even though 'him' was sitting right behind her.  Sometimes I think having a better mind involves being more strong-minded, and not taking all these opinions too seriously.  My biggest fear is of being a pushover.

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If you read my last post you'd know that this little blog here became a little more exposed last week, and that made me an overthinking wreck.  The other day, after it had blown over but I was still dwelling, a friend said to me, "I loved it!  You're writing what you want and if people don't like it they can deal!"  I'm starting to wonder why I was so worried about people reading all the tiniest little posts on here after the initial wee bit of drama had blown over.  Why do I care what they think about what I've written?  In some ways it's flattering that people I know are interested enough to read my words.  Part of having a better mind is becoming more confident with being over-exposed.

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After 4 years at an all girls school it feels a little too different around guys.  I feel like I'm not as funny as other girls, I'm not as comfortable, I never know the right thing to say - that's what I feel like sometimes anyway.  And the guys from our brother school make me feel plain awkward, possibly because they've spent 4 years at an all boys school themselves.

The other day I was talking to this girl about it, and her reply was, "Who cares if you are anyway?"  And that's the thing; I feel so abnormal sometimes, but who cares if I am?  How I feel is the way it is, and I shouldn't feel obliged to change it based on my perception of normal.

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My religion and philosophy teacher, on two of his off-topic tangents has said twice that there are three factors that affect a better mind: food, physical activity and sleep; and I'm planning on ticking all three boxes.

Love,
M

10 comments:

  1. I'm glad to see things are getting a little better. I, for one, am pretty interested in what you post. It's always thought-provoking and honest. I like that.
    And speaking of sleep, I should probably go catch some Zs, too. :)

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    1. Thanks Rebecca; I'm really glad someone's interested in reading. Haha the whole sleep thing is just so difficult. Sleeping late feels like no big deal, and in the morning you regret it so much. It's a matter of time management, but life's a little difficult when you don't have any.

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  2. I'm glad to see that you're more likely to stand by your own perception of things-- most of the people I hang out with don't drink, probably because I stay away from the ones that do or those people who fully on begin to make out that it seems to have taken up to the next level (you get what I mean).

    xoxo Morning

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    1. I think that standing by your own morals is what matters, but who you surround yourself with is a matter of what your philosophies are - whether you're for good influences, fun company... I think it's really about being with people who you relate with, who you can trust, and who you enjoy being around, no matter what they do. Although if what they do is what's making you uneasy, that should be taken into account too.

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  3. I've loved reading this post, your way of thinking and your style of writing are simply amazing. xx

    I also replied to your comment here: http://sarawallflower.blogspot.com/2015/08/tmi-tag.html

    Sara Wallflower

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    1. Thanks Sara!! I'm sure excited for August 31st now x

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  4. I have only just realised that the reason why I never see your blog is because I am not following it! I am missing out, I love the way you speak form experience on here! I can't wait to catch up on all the posts I have missed out on ! Also, I really appreciate your long term support on my blog, no one else on my blog puts as much effort into their comments and makes me think as much as you have :)
    http://whenshewrites-theblog.blogspot.co.uk/

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    1. Aw I just follow the blogs with interesting honest content, and that's what your blog has. Comments, in a way, are opinions, and I feel like that's what this blogging community is about. I love reading comments and leaving them - and I love that you appreciate them in a way x Thanks so much for your support as well

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  5. Your new found attitude is very admirable - and I'm glad to see that you're feeling a bit better since your previous post.

    Please remember that you are a beautiful, intelligent young woman; and in spite of any insecurities you may have, so many people look forward to hearing what you have to say - as outlined by the fact fact that your blog is so close to having 250 followers!

    Hugs,

    Kate x
    www.theteenaspect.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. Thanks so much Kate! I feel like insecurities are the reason anyone reads, because without them how would life be interesting at all? Although it would probably be a lot easier haha. I guess we all have our ups and downs and being able to rant about them to people is a plus

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