|My sister - I'm not sure if she cares too much or not at all|
As usual there's been no limit of motivational posts in my blogger dashboard, and I seem to be commenting something along the same lines for every post, because I get the same message every time. "Rely on yourself," I say, "Don't rely on other people to pick you up with kind words, or to be exactly as you imagined them to be." Maybe it's time I followed my own preachings.
I've spiralled down into a trap. It's like there's voices in my head every time I make a decision or do something. What would they think of what I'm doing right now? I can totally imagine her saying this. Other people are always there, as if I'm doing everything for them. When I'm jogging I wonder what they would think if they were walking past. When I'm writing I wonder what they would think if they were reading this. I imagine scenarios where they see me and look at me as if I'm special, like something they've never seen before. Why can't I just be content with doing what I'm doing because I enjoy doing it, or because I think it's cool?
I spend way too much time imagining these unlikely scenarios where somehow someone thinks I'm great. And when I imagine such perfect scenarios, real life becomes a disappointment. I subconsciously want these people to do exactly what I imagine them doing, say what I imagine them saying - and it's all so self centred because in every scenario I am somehow put into the spot light, because apparently I crave approval that much. The thing is, with all these imagined happenings I don't appreciate the real things that happen. And even if they were to happen, it wouldn't be special because it's all already happened in my head. Imagined fantasies ruin real life - and all these fantasies involve the approval I crave so much.
They're in all my worries. It's like I can't help but dwell over whether they like me, what they think of me; and all this does is ruin my relationship with them in real life, because I'm so freaking paranoid all the time. I'm such a try-hard, or a not-trying-at-all. Why can't I just be me? All I'd have to do is switch off the anxieties and do whatever. What people think is so trivial and petty because it shouldn't matter.
The thing is, I feel this way about everybody - from someone I'm extremely close to, to someone I barely know. Sure, it matters what my parents think of me, my closest friends, the people I actually talk to who make my life whole. But what about all those other people? There's the people I see at work, the people I see at school, the strangers walking past me at the mall - why do I even care what they think? I should be able to encounter them as if they're just another somebody. It's no big deal what they think of me. They're not really part of my life anyway.
I just need to relax and be happy to be here. I need to enjoy turning up and letting things happen. There's no need to pre-fantasise and after-analyse.
Social media is also such a trap. She didn't follow back, so does that mean she disrespects me as a person? Did she even add me back on snap chat? What do they think of my Facebook profile? Should I have liked that post? Why hasn't she accepted my friend request yet? Am I a stalker? I need to remember that face-to-face is always what matters. And all those people who I feel have offended me through social media, they're usually exactly the same to me when we see each other. They're usually just as nice. That just goes to show that social media doesn't have any real connection to real life.
There's no need to worry about how many follows I get, or how many likes, because if I don't care what people I barely know think then these things don't matter. I need to learn that their opinions of me don't dictate what I do or how I act, but it's my own opinions that matter.
I somewhat feel like this blog is another example of how much I care. Maybe I only started it because I wanted other people to approve of my opinions. I know for sure that blogging here wouldn't be the same without follows and comments. It's another signal of my much craved approval. Or maybe this blog is an act of rebellion in my murky mind, because I'm doing this because I like it. It's not the most conventional thing, and I'm writing what I want because I don't particularly care if people can see inside my thoughts. I like that, so that's how I'm going to view this. This blog is the one place where I don't care what people think.
Now I just need to spread that - have that outlook on life. I will speak as I speak here; out loud and saying what comes to mind. I will do things because I like doing them, not because other people do. I need to stop imagining their approval and block all that out, because I need to think of myself just doing the thing in solitude. No more fantasies. No more social media trap. I'm closer to having a happier mind. Hopefully I'm not wrong about everything.