Wednesday, 29 July 2015
I have a philosophy.
I don't know about you, but I'm always stressing about something, always letting one aspect of my life exaggeratedly consume my mind.
In year 7 it was all about whether I was going to be 'popular' or not. That was pretty much my primary school dream. I thought high school was going to be my moment, so the mere concept of school overtook my mind. No wonder I began writing thoughts in my diary, rather than drearily recapping moments. Maybe that made things worse, because feelings began to become all the more real when documented on paper.
In year 8 it began to be more about my friends. Was I meeting up enough? Was she closer to her than me? Every time I was uninvited to a party I felt broken inside. It was like this wave of depression swept over me momentarily, all because of some petty invitation to a party of a person I wasn't even that close to. The idea of being a second choice kept me up at night. The idea of drifting away from someone made me want to try harder around them, made me desperate.
In year 9 I hated band with a passion. Every week I would dread Thursday mornings. And on Thursday afternoons I would already be thinking about the next week, relieved that it seemed so far away. These mornings weren't nearly worth the amount of time I spent dwelling on them, dwelling on what I'd do or say. I didn't need to sit in silence at every performance, wishing to be somewhere else. I didn't need to be so surprised every time I somewhat enjoyed myself. Band was the one bad spot in my life, I would think; but really I was just looking for something to think about, something to stress over.
Now it's the people at work. I dwell and dwell and get so so paranoid about what they think of me. Back when work wasn't the stressful point of my life, it used to be fun. I used to be fun. But now it's just the paranoid me, the uptight me, and that version of me needs to go away. These people aren't worth the paranoia. That's the difference between year 10 me and year 7 me. I understand that people are people, and they're not worth stressing. But without new people, what do I have to stress over?
I need to turn my stress into excitement. Tomorrow morning my mum and I are going for breakfast. What's more exciting than chai latte, scrambled eggs on toast, and bacon?
Tomorrow we're going to a careers expo, and I'm excited about that. It'll be a nice change from the daily routine.
Tomorrow I'm working. I'm looking forward to new conversations and improving my SOC score. I'm looking forward to that feeling I get every time someone actually wants a rewards card.
On Friday it's my first road ready course, done with friends of course. Maybe I'll even meet some new people. Soon I'll be able to drive.
Saturday is the day of the formal. I'm going with a group of friends, who also hired a party bus. I'll be all dressed up, which means good photos. One girl is bringing this guy from primary school, and I'm kind of excited to meet him again. Another is bringing this guy I've heard quite a bit about, and another this guy who I'm hoping will see me in a new light. And after, there'll be no after party, but instead a TV show based sleepover. I'm genuinely excited about what should theoretically be a stressful night. Why can't I have the same perspective on life?
I'm excited to get stuck back into assessment, to work for something.
I'm excited for Italy in January. It'll be my last hurrah before quitting Latin after 4 years.
I'm excited for next year. I'll be doing double specialist maths, physics, chemistry and English, because for some reason I'm trying to kill myself; but I'll also actually be working towards something. I've also synced my free periods with a bunch of my friends, and the idea of studying in the sunlight or going to cafes during school hours makes me feel so grown up - maybe it's nothing but a fantasy, but that doesn't mean I can't be excited. Psychology sounds like an interesting subject; especially the unit on how society impacts the brain. I mean, I write about that a lot as you can tell, so maybe knowing more would help me improve my life? It covers topics like conformity and relationships. It's too bad I'm not taking psychology.
But why look towards the future at all? What's wrong with now? I could continue writing something I haven't looked at in over a month; I could do something productive, translate a Latin passage maybe; I could watch an episode of The Vampire Diaries or Friends; I could read a book; I could play an old piece on the piano - Just because it's 8pm on a Wednesday night doesn't mean I can't do things I wouldn't normally do. I don't need to always read when I'm about to go to bed, or write only on days when I'm home all day in my pyjamas. There's nothing wrong with simply doing anything.
There's no need to stress, because life is kind, freedom is available, and there is always an opportunity to make yourself better.