Wednesday, 29 July 2015

Stress Head


I have a philosophy.

I don't know about you, but I'm always stressing about something, always letting one aspect of my life exaggeratedly consume my mind.

In year 7 it was all about whether I was going to be 'popular' or not.  That was pretty much my primary school dream.  I thought high school was going to be my moment, so the mere concept of school overtook my mind.  No wonder I began writing thoughts in my diary, rather than drearily recapping moments.  Maybe that made things worse, because feelings began to become all the more real when documented on paper.

In year 8 it began to be more about my friends.  Was I meeting up enough?  Was she closer to her than me?  Every time I was uninvited to a party I felt broken inside.  It was like this wave of depression swept over me momentarily, all because of some petty invitation to a party of a person I wasn't even that close to.  The idea of being a second choice kept me up at night.  The idea of drifting away from someone made me want to try harder around them, made me desperate.

In year 9 I hated band with a passion.  Every week I would dread Thursday mornings.  And on Thursday afternoons I would already be thinking about the next week, relieved that it seemed so far away.  These mornings weren't nearly worth the amount of time I spent dwelling on them, dwelling on what I'd do or say.  I didn't need to sit in silence at every performance, wishing to be somewhere else.  I didn't need to be so surprised every time I somewhat enjoyed myself.  Band was the one bad spot in my life, I would think; but really I was just looking for something to think about, something to stress over.

Now it's the people at work.  I dwell and dwell and get so so paranoid about what they think of me.  Back when work wasn't the stressful point of my life, it used to be fun.  I used to be fun.  But now it's just the paranoid me, the uptight me, and that version of me needs to go away.  These people aren't worth the paranoia.  That's the difference between year 10 me and year 7 me.  I understand that people are people, and they're not worth stressing.  But without new people, what do I have to stress over?

I need to turn my stress into excitement.  Tomorrow morning my mum and I are going for breakfast.  What's more exciting than chai latte, scrambled eggs on toast, and bacon?

Tomorrow we're going to a careers expo, and I'm excited about that.  It'll be a nice change from the daily routine.

Tomorrow I'm working.  I'm looking forward to new conversations and improving my SOC score.  I'm looking forward to that feeling I get every time someone actually wants a rewards card.

On Friday it's my first road ready course, done with friends of course.  Maybe I'll even meet some new people.  Soon I'll be able to drive.

Saturday is the day of the formal.  I'm going with a group of friends, who also hired a party bus.  I'll be all dressed up, which means good photos.  One girl is bringing this guy from primary school, and I'm kind of excited to meet him again.  Another is bringing this guy I've heard quite a bit about, and another this guy who I'm hoping will see me in a new light.  And after, there'll be no after party, but instead a TV show based sleepover.  I'm genuinely excited about what should theoretically be a stressful night.  Why can't I have the same perspective on life?

I'm excited to get stuck back into assessment, to work for something.

I'm excited for Italy in January.  It'll be my last hurrah before quitting Latin after 4 years.

I'm excited for next year.  I'll be doing double specialist maths, physics, chemistry and English, because for some reason I'm trying to kill myself; but I'll also actually be working towards something.  I've also synced my free periods with a bunch of my friends, and the idea of studying in the sunlight or going to cafes during school hours makes me feel so grown up - maybe it's nothing but a fantasy, but that doesn't mean I can't be excited.  Psychology sounds like an interesting subject; especially the unit on how society impacts the brain.  I mean, I write about that a lot as you can tell, so maybe knowing more would help me improve my life?  It covers topics like conformity and relationships.  It's too bad I'm not taking psychology.

But why look towards the future at all?  What's wrong with now?  I could continue writing something I haven't looked at in over a month; I could do something productive, translate a Latin passage maybe; I could watch an episode of The Vampire Diaries or Friends; I could read a book; I could play an old piece on the piano - Just because it's 8pm on a Wednesday night doesn't mean I can't do things I wouldn't normally do.  I don't need to always read when I'm about to go to bed, or write only on days when I'm home all day in my pyjamas.  There's nothing wrong with simply doing anything.

There's no need to stress, because life is kind, freedom is available, and there is always an opportunity to make yourself better.

Love,
M

28 comments:

  1. God, I stress about everything too. I didn't want to be popular and I don't work, but the one about friends hit me really hard. Damn. Even though life is only getting more exciting for me, I feel like I'm becoming more uptight. This was a lovely post, and you're right: living in the moment is infinitely more rewarding than worrying about the consequences. :)

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    1. Also, I'm pretty sure you live really, really close to where I live, which is strange. Something you said about one of your subjects and road ready tipped me off. Sorry if that sounded creepy, it's just so weird. Could be a coincidence? I don't even know.

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    2. Life really does get more exciting, but for some reason exciting things make us stressed. Maybe we're worried they won't meet our expectations, or we're pessimistic that they'll go the other way and end up horrible; and generally foreshadowing something like that makes us uptight and it does end up worser. Haha maybe we do live really close, but that's the beauty of blogging - everything can be anonymous.

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  2. I've only just recently started to feel as if there isn't enough time. Everything I want to do and become, will it ever happen?

    / Avy
    http://MyMotherFuckedMickJagger.blogspot.com



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    1. I feel completely the same!

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    2. Avy, there's always enough time. I guess it depends on how extravagant your dreams are, how much control you have over making them happen.

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  3. "There's no need to stress, because life is kind, freedom is available, and there is always an opportunity to make yourself better."

    This sentence really stuck with me. Lately, I've been realizing that I stress about EVERYTHING. And I need to stop. To relax. To be EXCITED about things.

    Thanks for posting this, M. It definitely made me think...
    xoxo
    Grace Anne // http://totallygraced.blogspot.com/

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    1. Thanks for this comment Grace. After writing this post I really did stop stressing so much. Life is so much easier, and we have so many choices to make it that way. A new concept I've read is that we should be too focused on bettering ourselves to care about everything else.

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  4. I used to stress out about every little thing. In middle school it seemed like all that mattered was who liked who (in the sense of both crushes and friendships). In high school it seemed like all that mattered was having the grades and everything else to get into college. Now that I'm in college, I look back at all those things I thought that mattered and I laugh because I realize that they're so trivial. Now whenever I start getting stressed out about something, I try to remind myself that there's no good reason to get worked up about it because it's not much in the scheme of things. As someone who overthinks, this is a good balance for me. I'm glad that you have so much to look forward to, but I also agree with your point about how cherishing the present is just as important (or even more so) as looking forward to the future, because if you're always looking to the future, you'll miss everything you have now and continue chasing after tomorrow, endlessly -Audrey | Brunch at Audrey's

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    1. Exactly! Looking back at everything that used to stress me out, I was really making my life miserable for no reason. Band's fine, my friends are great; so why did I worry about any of that? Excitement can make time go by, but living in the moment can too. There's no need to always chase after tomorrow, you're right. x

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  5. Stress has always been what makes me look to the future, to be honest. I stress over every little thing and always look to the future because my past always hasn't been the brightest and ever since the day I could talk, my parents have been drilling into my head the importance of school. It's hard for me to enjoy a lot of the things that are right in front of me now, but this is such a great and important reminder that we should pay attention to the things in the now.

    xoxo Morning

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    1. I have parents who have an academic based obsession as well, so I can't not care, and I keep telling them that now when they continue to remind me. They say if they don't intervene I could become someone who's okay with bad grades, but I have to remind them that they've brought me up with an over-abundance of focus on school, so there's no way I'll ever stop caring. I think putting academics on a priority pedestal is important, but it's not the purpose of our lives as they seem to think. Yesterday I read a post about how, yes, we are working towards good grades, uni, work and so on, but that doesn't mean we can't enjoy everything we can do in the moment as well, all the other events that come up. Nothing is ever worth stressing over. And for people like us who care a lot about school, we should always know that academics are completely controllable. If you ever fail, you can just take the test again.

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  6. This is very relatable, M.
    And like Morning said, stress is what makes us look forward. <3

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    1. Excitement makes us look forward too. It's just a more positive outlook. Thanks Jordy!

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  7. I love this so much. I felt the same way growing up and in many ways I feel the same way now. You need to learn to let go and remember you can't control other peoples actions of thoughts about you. It doesn't get easier as you get older - not unless you work at it.

    Corinne x
    www.skinnedcartree.com

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    1. That's the issue. I always thought that growing up I would naturally conquer all the petty feelings. I guess it really is about working at it, and growing up just teaches you how to. It isn't a magical power. I guess that after a long time you learn to accept that some things aren't controllable.

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  8. This is a very thoughtful post, M! A lot is expected out of us teens, and its easy to stress out about this and that, but it's best not to, no matter how hard it can be:)
    ~Sarah

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    1. As a teen we blow everything up for no reason. My school's formal is today and the amount of hype there's been for this one event is insane. I could either be stressed or excited, and I'm going for the latter. In a way, we can make use of this exaggerated hype in our teen years and make them memorable.

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  9. Currently, I feel like I'm SO stressed out! And most of it is school related. You know, grades, homeworks etc.

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    1. Never be stressed about that. Always try, but never be stressed. If you ever get a bad grade there's always ways around it. Getting good grades just makes life easier (so I'm not saying stop trying, ever)

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  10. Wow... This is such a thoughtful post! I'm going into Year 7 and I'm getting really stressed over the slightest things! I LOVE this article! xoxo

    - www.whatlexieloves.blogspot.com

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    1. You are in for a hell of a ride. You'll grow up a lot in a short amount of time. You'll learn a lot. My suggestion is to start working on your mental state now, and soon you're going to be the wisest 12 year old out. Thanks Lexie!

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  11. Very thoughtful and insightful post! It's actually pretty inspiring.

    hannie,
    huemorist.

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    1. Thank you so much Hannie!! x

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  12. I think of future, cos I am always curious of what is unknown... I act in the present, cos there will be no change in the future without making changes today.
    Have a good week!
    xoxox

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    1. Aren't we all curious... But the thing is, we can't do what we do because of the future, because what kind of life is that? Why can't we just enjoy the now?

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  13. I can relate with this post to such a great extent - the sheer accuracy is quite concerning.

    I've always gone through little phases of worrying about things, and it only seems to have become worse through time,  but I suppose that's expected as you advance through adolescence. Right now, it's primarily fears surrounding school; the thought of failing GCSE exams due to a lack of effort haunts me a bit. 

    Those surrounding friendships have been particularly prevalent throughout my recent life also, but I suppose that's due to the fact that I'm a bit of a clingy person, and am excellent at finding flaws in relationships. 

    Like you, I also have a lot to look forward to too though. The events describe sound fantastic - I do hope that you have the amazing time you deserve doing each that is yet to come (and that the scrambled eggs were up to scratch! ).

    It'd be nice to think that your mind will now be able to refrain from worrying so much; it deserves peace and stability.

    Sending virtual hugs (they're nearly as good as the real ones!),

    Kate x

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    1. Thanks Kate! I feel like there's so much on my mind at the moment that it's simply buzzing, and it doesn't even have time for specific worries anymore. I wish I were worried about exams and school like you right now; and I guess I am but it's become a little like exercise where I'm too lazy to actually work at it all anymore. Friendships will always be a large part of our lives at this age, but it's getting better. I'm a pretty clingy person too, although I try my best not to show it or get too attached. Everything I was excited for is over, so now there's nothing in the immediate future to look forward to anymore. Sometimes excitement just leads to disappointment. I send you my virtual hugs too x

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