It's been a pretty home-based holidays so far, and I've had loads of time to write. Skim read until you find something worth reading.
Saturday - 27.6.15
I'm really starting to worry about my body and the amount of food I'm eating. We went to watch this ballet thing yesterday - a modern dance kind - and their bodies were insane. I feel like I need to change my body, make it the best it can be; I know it's doable, possible, and I'm going to try to be healthy like that when I get home.
Maybe I should have a phone-free day. I think I need one based on my severe obsession.
You know, adults are always talking about how self-obsessed our generation is, and maybe they're right. Were people back in the 90s less selfish?
Sunday - 28.6.15
Well technically it's 1am on Monday morning but I'm not tired and my brain won't stop so yeah
I will start jogging in the morning, then Pilates and then I can relax, with 3 solid meals a day. I will also write my heart out, all my philosophies ordered out and I will practice what I preach as best as I can. I can become the person I want to be.
Here's to 3 weeks of getting the life I want.
Monday - 29.6.15
Today we watched this waste-of-time Nicholas Sparks movie where the girl said, "I used to not care because I trusted life to work out for me and it did." I really liked that. I think I just need to be more... loose. I need to stop thinking so abjectly about life, to stop stressing. I should be able to act however I want, exactly like myself, and do whatever happens to me without worrying. I should just allow things to happen and see if they do. I should do whatever the hell I feel is right at that moment, and try not to care too much about the consequences. It's time to stop worrying and be content with everything for a while. ... I need to stop worrying because I don't care and if things are meant to be then it should work out without my anxiety.
Wednesday - 1.7.15
Today was one of those poetically pleasant days, in the sense that it was not particularly special yet significant at the same time. I'm feeling happy now.
I wrote a little. It was a cute scene, where he takes her to Maccas, but they order through the drive thru on a late night endeavour - two people as different as can be.
I read some old diary entries, spent around an hour doing so. Nostalgia makes me want to cry. I messaged P and D, reminiscing about the MED Club and all those silly games we used to play with M and A. I think I need to keep those memories forever, and all those videos we took. I managed to recover D's strip-tease.
Mummy and I went out for dinner. She has such a bad memory. Stories of her life are so vague.
I texted T one long paragraph this morning. She did well in her piano exam but was ever so nice about my results. I wish I could be more selfless and know the right caring stuff to say, like her.
I got an invitation to a sweet sixteen in the mail. It didn't have a stamp or address on it so she must've come and dropped it in the mailbox herself. It's cocktail themed and she's rented out a place by the lake. I wonder who else will be there.
... We're watching a movie on Friday and I promise myself I'm not nervous. Awkwardness is below me now.
Mummy insisted we watch another movie tonight, so we did. She fell asleep though. The movie was 'New York, I Love You' and honestly, it had no story but many. Isn't it beautiful how every different person has a different life with so many experiences crammed into such a small space. People are intriguing and I love how that lady took videos of everything. She captured so much, and maybe if we opened our eyes to outside ourselves we'd see so much more in all our fellow perfect strangers. People are the reason I want to live in a big city one day.
Thursday - 2.7.15
... Every experience is a lesson. I just need to open myself up to them.
Friday - 3.7.15
The more I doubt myself, the more closed off I become, the weirder and more wary. Everybody has their doubts, and mine are normal.
Why can't I just be myself more, in front of everybody and anybody? What if this insecurity is me being myself? I have great friends who I can say anything to, but how did I make them?
Saturday - 4.7.15
J won't reply to my messages. And when J doesn't reply you feel like you've done something wrong. I want to be a lovely person like J. I don't want to lose her as a friend but I don't know what to do. They say proximity is how you fix a relationship, but she's all the way in another country. Maybe I'm just looking for something to worry about because I'm not worrying about anything right now. I guess friendships require effort from both sides, and if she won't put in effort I can't do anything about that.
Sunday - 5.7.15
I think I'm getting better. Or maybe there's never been anything wrong with me at all.
I have too many imaginary conversations and I don't know why I won't either speak that way in real life or not care at all. I feel like I should be above everything. I want to be free. 'Fight Club' has messed up my brain because now nothing matters and I'm feeling deeper than I actually am.
Wednesday - 8.7.15
The thing about her is that she's moved schools 4 times, she smoked in year 7, she drinks with her 18 year old friends and is effortlessly cool and is probably going to have a stuffed up life. Why do I feel the need to fit in with that?
S got flowers and chocolates and a long-ass card from her ex-boyfriend delivered to her during work. It's kinda sweet and surreal and it's her life. I'm not sure why I wrote that down.
We also saw SV and AC, and it was nice being reminded of the school atmosphere.
Today T and I were playing that "Heart and Soul" duet on the baby grande piano in the middle of the mall when this youngish lady joined us and played the top part. It was kinda nice.
Saturday - 11.7.15
I'm pretty good - just not tired. I've grown into myself more since I last wrote, if that's even possible in such a small space of time. I guess I'm just really content. I haven't met up with friends much these holidays, but do I really need to? I've been working a lot and I like it. I've been writing a lot too. Writing here makes me feel the need to be worried, because I'm rarely ever here when I have no problems. Right now my brain is searching for something to angst over, and there are so many potential worries at the tip of this pen but I'm not going to let them in, so I'll stop right here. Goodnight now.
By the way, this is my 100th post.