Sunday, 12 July 2015

Holiday Diary Excerpts



It's been a pretty home-based holidays so far, and I've had loads of time to write.  Skim read until you find something worth reading.


Saturday - 27.6.15

I'm really starting to worry about my body and the amount of food I'm eating.  We went to watch this ballet thing yesterday - a modern dance kind - and their bodies were insane.  I feel like I need to change my body, make it the best it can be; I know it's doable, possible, and I'm going to try to be healthy like that when I get home.

...

Maybe I should have a phone-free day.  I think I need one based on my severe obsession.

...

You know, adults are always talking about how self-obsessed our generation is, and maybe they're right.  Were people back in the 90s less selfish?


Sunday - 28.6.15

Well technically it's 1am on Monday morning but I'm not tired and my brain won't stop so yeah

...

I will start jogging in the morning, then Pilates and then I can relax, with 3 solid meals a day.  I will also write my heart out, all my philosophies ordered out and I will practice what I preach as best as I can.  I can become the person I want to be.
Here's to 3 weeks of getting the life I want.


Monday - 29.6.15

Today we watched this waste-of-time Nicholas Sparks movie where the girl said, "I used to not care because I trusted life to work out for me and it did."  I really liked that.  I think I just need to be more... loose.  I need to stop thinking so abjectly about life, to stop stressing.  I should be able to act however I want, exactly like myself, and do whatever happens to me without worrying.  I should just allow things to happen and see if they do.  I should do whatever the hell I feel is right at that moment, and try not to care too much about the consequences.  It's time to stop worrying and be content with everything for a while.  ...  I need to stop worrying because I don't care and if things are meant to be then it should work out without my anxiety.


Wednesday - 1.7.15

Today was one of those poetically pleasant days, in the sense that it was not particularly special yet significant at the same time.  I'm feeling happy now.

I wrote a little.  It was a cute scene, where he takes her to Maccas, but they order through the drive thru on a late night endeavour - two people as different as can be.

I read some old diary entries, spent around an hour doing so.  Nostalgia makes me want to cry.  I messaged P and D, reminiscing about the MED Club and all those silly games we used to play with M and A.  I think I need to keep those memories forever, and all those videos we took.  I managed to recover D's strip-tease.

Mummy and I went out for dinner.  She has such a bad memory.  Stories of her life are so vague.

I texted T one long paragraph this morning.  She did well in her piano exam but was ever so nice about my results.  I wish I could be more selfless and know the right caring stuff to say, like her.

I got an invitation to a sweet sixteen in the mail.  It didn't have a stamp or address on it so she must've come and dropped it in the mailbox herself.  It's cocktail themed and she's rented out a place by the lake.  I wonder who else will be there.

... We're watching a movie on Friday and I promise myself I'm not nervous.  Awkwardness is below me now.

Mummy insisted we watch another movie tonight, so we did.  She fell asleep though.  The movie was 'New York, I Love You' and honestly, it had no story but many.  Isn't it beautiful how every different person has a different life with so many experiences crammed into such a small space.  People are intriguing and I love how that lady took videos of everything.  She captured so much, and maybe if we opened our eyes to outside ourselves we'd see so much more in all our fellow perfect strangers.  People are the reason I want to live in a big city one day.


Thursday - 2.7.15

... Every experience is a lesson.  I just need to open myself up to them.


Friday - 3.7.15

The more I doubt myself, the more closed off I become, the weirder and more wary.  Everybody has their doubts, and mine are normal.

...

Why can't I just be myself more, in front of everybody and anybody?  What if this insecurity is me being myself?  I have great friends who I can say anything to, but how did I make them?


Saturday - 4.7.15

J won't reply to my messages.  And when J doesn't reply you feel like you've done something wrong. I want to be a lovely person like J.  I don't want to lose her as a friend but I don't know what to do.  They say proximity is how you fix a relationship, but she's all the way in another country.  Maybe I'm just looking for something to worry about because I'm not worrying about anything right now.  I guess friendships require effort from both sides, and if she won't put in effort I can't do anything about that.


Sunday - 5.7.15

I think I'm getting better.  Or maybe there's never been anything wrong with me at all.

...

I have too many imaginary conversations and I don't know why I won't either speak that way in real life or not care at all.  I feel like I should be above everything.  I want to be free.  'Fight Club' has messed up my brain because now nothing matters and I'm feeling deeper than I actually am.


Wednesday - 8.7.15

The thing about her is that she's moved schools 4 times, she smoked in year 7, she drinks with her 18 year old friends and is effortlessly cool and is probably going to have a stuffed up life.  Why do I feel the need to fit in with that?

...

S got flowers and chocolates and a long-ass card from her ex-boyfriend delivered to her during work.  It's kinda sweet and surreal and it's her life.  I'm not sure why I wrote that down.

...

We also saw SV and AC, and it was nice being reminded of the school atmosphere.

...

Today T and I were playing that "Heart and Soul" duet on the baby grande piano in the middle of the mall when this youngish lady joined us and played the top part.  It was kinda nice.


Saturday - 11.7.15

I'm pretty good - just not tired.  I've grown into myself more since I last wrote, if that's even possible in such a small space of time.  I guess I'm just really content.  I haven't met up with friends much these holidays, but do I really need to?  I've been working a lot and I like it.  I've been writing a lot too.  Writing here makes me feel the need to be worried, because I'm rarely ever here when I have no problems.  Right now my brain is searching for something to angst over, and there are so many potential worries at the tip of this pen but I'm not going to let them in, so I'll stop right here.  Goodnight now.

By the way, this is my 100th post.

Love,
M

30 comments:

  1. Blogs are great for venting and sorting feeling. That's what happens on mine a lot so I wouldn't be to worried! Hope things get sorted for you :)
    Vanessa
    simplyperfectme.blogspot.com

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    1. Thanks Vanessa. I know my blog or writing in general definitely does serve the purpose of sorting out feelings, but maybe sorting them out just makes them all the more worrisome.

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  2. I hope things work out - with J and your goals. Happy 100th post! :)

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    1. Thanks Jo. I hope so too, but I can't say there's been success in either category. I'm still in pretty much the same situation I was in before, because I don't see any changes, but I am happier.

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  3. Congratulations on your 100th post!
    Let's hope things work out with J. Don't worry, everything will be perfectly all right in the end.
    Stay awesome as ever,
    Much love,
    Archie
    http://eeriefairy.blogspot.com

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    1. Thanks Archie. I'm sure life will always work out in the end, and sometimes these problems go away without really going away.

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  4. I have a friend who I used to hang out with every single day. This year, however, we're attending different schools, so, naturally, we don't talk to each other as much. But when we do, it's like we never went our separate ways. I hope this is the case with you and J. I hope you and J will meet soon and catch up. A friendship is a strong bond. Don't give up :). I would also like to tell you that there is no need to be insecure about yourself. Just be you. Follow your heart. I may not know you personally, but I have no doubt that you're an awesome human being! Congratulations on reaching the 100 posts milestone!

    Xx

    Morgana

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    1. J lives in a different country, so I guess meeting up would be an annual thing at most. But life works out in the end, as usual. And insecurity is just one of the things I wanted to eradicate but probably never will. It doesn't matter though, as long as I'm not being self-deprecatory. I think I'm getting better. Thanks so much Morgana. x

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  5. i love reading your blog. thankyou for sharing

    vnssachn.blogspot.com

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  6. I enjoyed reading these excerpts. It seems we both wonder and worry about a lot of similar things. :) And congrats on reaching 100 posts!

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    1. I like it when people relate. Thanks Rebecca x

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  7. Amazing blog, love it ♥

    xoxo ♥ www.beingasanmonica.blogspot.com

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  8. I think you are only self-absorbed when you are not open to dialogue with others. But I agree that it's always good to stay one way without a phone, and by all means, if you have time and energy to dedicate to your body, do so :) it's never time wasted.
    Barbs

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    1. Thanks Barbs. Being open is definitely one of the most important things to be, although I wouldn't call not being so self-absorbed, or even being so not self-absorbed. I would love to say I have the perseverance to dedicate myself to a healthy lifestyle but I can't seem to keep it up for even 24 hours. Is my will power too weak?

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  9. This post is awesome. I love the idea of writing little paragraphs and then putting them altogether into one blog post.

    -T. x

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  10. I absolutely loved these diary entries! Just a little recommendation: it is better for you to eat five light meals a day than three heavy ones. And don't forget to hydrate!

    I also get selfconscious about how body looks like and how much I eat, but I never manage to commit to constant work-out. I may do it for a week and the I'd ditch it because it doesn't make me feel like myself. It makes me feel like I'm trying to become someone else... Which might be true, as the anxious/nervous person that I am is not who I really want to be.

    Anyway, I'm glad you're getting ahead with your writing :)

    And congratulations on your 100th post!

    The Journeys of a Girl

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    1. Thanks Salha! I can't say everything from these diary entries was actually carried out, but I'm glad you liked them. I can't seem to stick to three meals a day anyway, because it's just constant snacking alongside the three heavy meals, and I doubt I'll be able to find the time and flexibility in my days to actually have five light meals, although I wish I could. Working out never works either, because I don't actually have a routine for that and it's more a do-when-you-feel-like-it kind of thing. But I don't think working out or trying should make you feel like someone you're not either. It's just making you a healthier version of yourself, so if you're able to make yourself do it don't stop for reasons like insecurity. It'll make you less insecure if anything. Thanks Salha!

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  11. I love reading every bit of this :) writing a lot is a good thing, there's tons on my mind sometimes and can't seem to write them down much, but when I do, pages and pages of it! thanks for sharing yours. x

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    1. Thank you so much. Writing definitely is a nice little hobby to have discovered. We're lucky we have a way of conveying thoughts.

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  12. Heyyy M!
    Every single word of yours is true and deep and real and I can relate so much. I love your posts, and this one is no exception. My diary entries are sometimes the most random things, just strange strings of words that somehow are my thoughts.
    Your entries really got me thinking about life, thanks for that :)

    Lots of love

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    1. No problem x I can't say any of these words were meant to be deep as such, seeing as they're just as random as any other diary; but I guess reading someone else's random thoughts can be thought-worthy in a way. You should share some of your random diary entries ;)

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  13. Ooo! Neat idea sharing these, M. Love the second paragraph in "Friday - 3.7.15." My friends are one reason I think that there's something to the idea of 'fate'. I've always been shy. I never used to initiate conversations. People I've wanted to be friends with, they drifted away eventually. But sometimes.. someone just comes around, and they stick. Amazing.

    And "Saturday - 4.7.15." I worry too sometimes about how little I talk with my friends these days. They're busy, and not around often. But we can go for months and always pick up like we spoke yesterday. Time does distance you, but strong friendships will hold.

    Not sure if you've done this before, but I've also nominated you for the Liebster Award! Here's the post.

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    1. Thanks Eve! It is pretty weird how we made these friends in the end, and how much they get us. I guess you could call it fate that they're still our friends, and that somehow the anxieties we feel around normal people have disappeared around them. I wish I was one of those people who could treat everyone like that from the beginning.

      As for J, I think she understood me better than most because even she could identify the bad parts of me. It's my worst nightmare, but I'm glad someone saw it and still managed to stay my friend. Maybe this is her showing that she's never approved of my ugly side and is cutting ties with a toxic friendship, or maybe when I next visit the country she lives in we will meet again like nothing happened. Life has a way of working out how it should.

      Thanks for the nomination! I'm checking it out now x

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  14. I think it's super awesome that you keep a diary! I've tried diary-keeping so many times, but didn't get to far with it, so I turned to blogging. So I find it really cool that you're doing both :) -Audrey | Brunch at Audrey's

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    1. Haha sometimes I wonder whether it's a little pointless that I'm doing both. I mean, I could be blogging a lot more if I got rid of my diary and simply wrote stuff here instead. I guess the blog is just a more clean cut, censored, anonymous version. That just goes to show that truly real thoughts sometimes can't be shared with the world.

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  15. Aww, this is was such a beautiful read. The fact you write these excerpts astound me, they are amazing. Hey, you're pretty good. Don't be tired. <3

    xx Bash | Bash Says Hey | bloglovin'

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    1. Thanks so much. I love typing out these excerpts if it means I get nice comments like these x

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