Sunday, 19 July 2015

Back to School Declutter

I hate to do this to you.  I really do, because I personally dislike posts with no structure and just plain disconnected thoughts - as if we're meant to automatically know and care about what the blogger is talking about.  But I have no idea how else to do this, because I haven't really thought through what I'm thinking about.

You know those quotes that appear on social media, about girls who have all this pain inside but put on a strong smiling facade every day?  I don't get them.  I mean, how much could these girls possibly be going through, and who would care enough to notice?  Sure, we're all a little unhappy inside, and we all have our insecurities and our worries, but are our problems really much worse than anyone else's?  What makes those girls in the quotes so special?  What makes people think the rest of us aren't going through just as much?  Everyone you see is putting on a 'facade', because everyone is strong enough to not go around blubbering their problems and break down every second.

The other day at work I was walking into the break room when this girl was imitating yelling out my name.  Either she was bitching about me, or she was talking about something annoying I'd done.  I don't know the context.  I didn't think I cared that much but afterwards it bothered me.  A lot.  I couldn't stop having doubts about whether people there even like me, whether I'm boring, whether I'm a try-hard.  I used to be cool around them, but my insecurities are sabotaging my interaction.  What is this facade I'm putting on in front of them?

Yesterday I saw two of my close family friends again for the first time in ages.  They're pretty fun, although later into the night I started feeling a little detached.  They're both tall, long brown hair, really pretty in their own ways, and I feel like I'm too different.  They would make a power friendship.  They look like they are already.  And that makes me feel insecure.

It's like every human being makes me feel insecure.  It's gotten almost to the point that I practically disregard myself as a person.  It's unhealthy and stupid and I need to fix it.  I need to realise that I have my own personality, and where I stand is simply where I stand.  People are people just like me and to think of them as anything more is a self-destructive illusive thing.  And the thing about people is that they have reason, and they can't possibly dislike me for no reason.  So if I can't find a reason to dislike myself, there is no reason they should either.  I can't keep being miserable and overthinking every encounter or I'll go absolutely mad.

Yesterday night my dad mentioned my reports, which made me remember school actually existed, and grades are actually a really important part of my life.  I can't believe I forgot about all the assessments and studying throughout the last three weeks.  I mean, it's practically my purpose in life, for now anyway.  Thinking of my grades makes me excited for school again, which is a new feeling.  I want to go back to learning, to having a routine, to striving for something real in the future.  I want to bring my laptop to school tomorrow and look super sleek typing out my notes.

Looks have become more important lately, and despite how materialistic and shallow this sounds, I like looking good.  I've been wearing more minimalistic clothing: black turtle-neck, thick wooly grey cardigan, grey shirts, blue jeans, black boots, doc martens, white ribbed cardigan - they make me look more sophisticated.  Yesterday my mum gave me most of her good-quality makeup raided from her bottom drawer, and I was testing it all out.  I don't know why I feel the need to exaggerate my face, or cover up certain parts.  I just do.

I need to exercise too.

Tomorrow school starts and I want nothing more than to be better.  I want better grades, I want to look better - but most of all I want to feel better.  I need to remember how equal I am, that I'm too good to shrink back inside, that I'm too good to feel that certain people are better than others, too good to feel like I'm better than anyone else.  School starts tomorrow, and maybe I should start growing up too.

Love,
M

34 comments:

  1. This was a very informative post, and I'm so glad you got it all out there. Sharing what you feel can be hard, but at least it's not inside of you anymore. Be your own person! :)

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    1. I used to think that writing out problems would effectively make them less problematic, or even make them go away; but that's not true because they're still just as real, and I'm starting to think that writing just make them more tangible, more real than they actually may be.

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  2. You want to look good - we all do, really, even if it's only a little. It's great to see a blogger who has the guts to admit your insecurities and desires. For the record, I think it's cool that you wear makeup. Whatever makes people feel better about themselves, right? I like to think of it has enhancing what's already on your face, instead of 'covering up'. There's no shame, but I suppose you already knew that. Great post as usual. :)

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    1. Honestly, I don't wear that much makeup because I don't want to be one of those girls who can't leave the house without it. But that's not to say it doesn't make me feel prettier, and you're right; there's definitely no shame.

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  3. M, don't worry about the haters and gossipmongers.
    None of THEM have a blog that's being followed by more than 200 people!
    It's great that you could get it all down. Don't give a damn about them and be your own person! :)
    Stay awesome as ever,
    Much love,
    Archie <3
    http://eeriefairy.blogspot.com

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    1. Thanks so much Archie. I guess this blog is one of the bright points of my collective self.

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  4. Good luck, stay strong! x

    ratherstrangeblog.blogspot.co.uk

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  5. I love the element of honesty in this blogpost. Stay strong, all the best.

    ~ Bisma

    ☽ ~ liberalslacker.blogspot.com ~ ☾

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    1. Thank you. There's really not much to stay strong for, although maybe we're all just strong people.

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  6. Don't let other people get you down. You are awesome. :D

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    1. Thanks so much Skye. I'll keep that in mind x

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  7. I know exactly what you mean. I am the same. Everyone is prettier, smarter, cooler or more sophisticated than I am. We need to stop thinking this, because everyone thinks this.
    And your clothes sound sooo cool. Also, wanting to look good is totally normal and I love it when I do

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    1. Haha who doesn't love looking good? The insecure feeling sucks, but at the same time so does the overpowering disdainful feeling. We need to see everyone as equals, but it's just so hard to get the right balance in the right state of mind.

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  8. I really relate to this post. That's what I like about the "non structured" style, even though it can be overwhelming sometimes for the reader, it also lets you into the writer's head, which I really like. thanks for sharing

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    1. Thanks for understanding the rambling disconnected style, Maddy. No problem x

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  9. M, you don't know how great this post made me feel. Before you list me out as a sadist freak, let me explain.
    I recently started my freshman year at college. And I've been going through the same phase that you are. Yes, it's a phase and yes, it'll pass. How do I know? Because we all go through stuff that feels like "Okay, this is the end I'm done" but we all make it through. just in time to land in yet another "Okay, this is the end" spot.

    I understand the need to look good. See I'm a person who practically refuses to judge someone based on looks. And I practice what I preach. Most of the times, at least. But if I am this non-judgmental saint, I shouldn't bother about my OWN looks either, right? But I do. I asked my mom for a wardrobe makeover. I wear cardigans and denim shirts, something I never thought I could pull off before. Why? Because I want to look good. And I want people to think I look good. Because even though I won't judge them, THEY are sure to judge me. And I am sure to judge my own self. See how it works. I understand you, M and you can look as good as you want to. It's your body you're decorating after all. Just don't let yourself think about it right now. Push it to the back of your mind until you're ready to deal with it. That's what I'm doing now.

    Also, the thing about insecurities. I can relate to them. I am a pretty insecure person too. The only way to deal with it is to stop comparing. Each time "oh my god, her hair looks so much better than mine" pops into my head, I shoo it away with a "not helping, how about, she has pretty hair and I have great eyebrows. We're beautiful people. Both of us."

    Hope this helps you, M! I really, really could relate to each word you said. Just know that you're not alone.
    And I don't mind the unorganized straight from the heart-to-paper posts. As long as it makes you feel better!

    All the best with your new year!

    Lots of love and power to you xoxo
    Saee
    Wonderland

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    1. Thanks so much Saee. That period of self doubt definitely ended as soon as the new term started. I guess school is like that comfortable content spot for me. I've been doing it for so long that I never worry about it as much anymore. It's the outside stuff I'm always anxious about, and I have the feeling it's because I can't not be anxious about something.

      Looking good is so unreasonably important to me, but I don't see it as a bad thing. I get that we shouldn't judge people, and I'll try to do what you do. But honestly, you're right. There's no reason to be ashamed of making an effort to look presentable.

      Comparing is the thief of joy.

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  10. Everyone has insecurities, but they don't always open up as freely as you do, which I think is something that takes a lot of strength, so thank you for sharing with us! Everyone is fighting their own battle, and one person's battle does not invalidate another's. Sometimes growing up isn't all that fun, but stay strong! :) -Audrey | Brunch at Audrey's

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    1. Thanks Audrey! I wouldn't say opening up on an anonymous blog is strong, but I'll take the complement anyway ;) You're right that we're all fighting our own battles, so I'll be keeping that in mind the next time I'm miserable, knowing I'm never alone.

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  11. I like how you said everyone has insecurities. Some of them accept it openly and the others,well, not so much.
    Also, it's okay if you want to look and feel good, if that is what makes you comfortable then it's something you should go ahead with.
    I know this is what everyone says but I can't help not saying this. Don't worry about what others think. You're unique in your own way :)

    -Kathie K
    A Sea Change

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    1. Thanks Kathie. I guess I only just started accepting my insecurities, because before I would always lie to myself because I couldn't accept the fact that I'm kinda shy. I guess I need to know there's nothing wrong with that; the first step to improving myself. Self confidence is important, but so is self improvement.

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  12. nice post
    *thumbs up*

    vnssachn.blogspot.com

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    1. Thumbs up to you too my friend

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  13. Thank you for being so honest <3
    Oh, and love your blog design!

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    1. Thanks so much Lauren! It's much better than my old one :p

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  14. You know, you should forget all these insecurities and channel this energy and emotion you clearly have into being the best you that you can be.

    You'll win.

    Corinne x
    www.skinnedcartree.com

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    1. Thanks Corinne. This may be some of the best advice I've heard, but it's always easier said than done. I'll try.

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  15. I love reading those kind of posts- "posts with no structure and just plain disconnected thoughts", because from those kind of posts we all can get to know other bloggers better! So thank you for sharing some of your thoughts. xx

    Sara Wallflower

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    1. No problem Sara. Honestly speaking on this blog is so much easier than in real life, and I think I need to transfer that over somehow. I'm glad you liked it x

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  16. This post is great! Once again, I feel the same way. Every friend I have seems to have more friends than me and they always make me feel insecure when I see pictures of them together. My best friend is a total perfectionist and she seems to have the perfect social life. But I try to be content in what I have and try to get out of my comfort zone to make things better. Looooove your writing, M!
    ~Sarah

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    1. Thanks so much Sarah! To be honest, these people probably don't have more friends than you at all. Lately I've realised that insecurity is what's bringing me down, because in reality people don't have anything I don't have, and the same probably goes for you. You're awesome. Remember that.

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  17. Hey, where do you live that your school starts in the middle of July (Summer holiday)?
    Not to be rude :D

    -Enn xx

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    1. Haha no worries. I live in the southern hemisphere so summer for us is in December to February, so that's when our summer holidays are. Our school year starts in February but it's also split into 4 terms, with two-three weeks' holiday between each. So July is the beginning of our third term.

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