You know those quotes that appear on social media, about girls who have all this pain inside but put on a strong smiling facade every day? I don't get them. I mean, how much could these girls possibly be going through, and who would care enough to notice? Sure, we're all a little unhappy inside, and we all have our insecurities and our worries, but are our problems really much worse than anyone else's? What makes those girls in the quotes so special? What makes people think the rest of us aren't going through just as much? Everyone you see is putting on a 'facade', because everyone is strong enough to not go around blubbering their problems and break down every second.
The other day at work I was walking into the break room when this girl was imitating yelling out my name. Either she was bitching about me, or she was talking about something annoying I'd done. I don't know the context. I didn't think I cared that much but afterwards it bothered me. A lot. I couldn't stop having doubts about whether people there even like me, whether I'm boring, whether I'm a try-hard. I used to be cool around them, but my insecurities are sabotaging my interaction. What is this facade I'm putting on in front of them?
Yesterday I saw two of my close family friends again for the first time in ages. They're pretty fun, although later into the night I started feeling a little detached. They're both tall, long brown hair, really pretty in their own ways, and I feel like I'm too different. They would make a power friendship. They look like they are already. And that makes me feel insecure.
It's like every human being makes me feel insecure. It's gotten almost to the point that I practically disregard myself as a person. It's unhealthy and stupid and I need to fix it. I need to realise that I have my own personality, and where I stand is simply where I stand. People are people just like me and to think of them as anything more is a self-destructive illusive thing. And the thing about people is that they have reason, and they can't possibly dislike me for no reason. So if I can't find a reason to dislike myself, there is no reason they should either. I can't keep being miserable and overthinking every encounter or I'll go absolutely mad.
Yesterday night my dad mentioned my reports, which made me remember school actually existed, and grades are actually a really important part of my life. I can't believe I forgot about all the assessments and studying throughout the last three weeks. I mean, it's practically my purpose in life, for now anyway. Thinking of my grades makes me excited for school again, which is a new feeling. I want to go back to learning, to having a routine, to striving for something real in the future. I want to bring my laptop to school tomorrow and look super sleek typing out my notes.
Looks have become more important lately, and despite how materialistic and shallow this sounds, I like looking good. I've been wearing more minimalistic clothing: black turtle-neck, thick wooly grey cardigan, grey shirts, blue jeans, black boots, doc martens, white ribbed cardigan - they make me look more sophisticated. Yesterday my mum gave me most of her good-quality makeup raided from her bottom drawer, and I was testing it all out. I don't know why I feel the need to exaggerate my face, or cover up certain parts. I just do.
I need to exercise too.
Tomorrow school starts and I want nothing more than to be better. I want better grades, I want to look better - but most of all I want to feel better. I need to remember how equal I am, that I'm too good to shrink back inside, that I'm too good to feel that certain people are better than others, too good to feel like I'm better than anyone else. School starts tomorrow, and maybe I should start growing up too.