Saturday 6 June 2015

Parental Expectations

They're not as perfect as we used to think, back when we were 5 and they knew everything.  They're far from it.  Maybe this is what happens when you've been studying someone for your entire life - you can identify all the ugliest parts of them.  And maybe the only reason they seem so ugly is because they reflect your own inner demons, and you know that one day you're inevitably going to turn out like them.

I can see the immature thoughts in their mannerisms, in the things they say, the way they conduct and direct conversations and their actions.  It's those immature thoughts I didn't think any adults had, when really they're just people with more experience at hiding this ugliness in public.

Because I know my parents so well, sometimes I can't keep my mouth shut and I try to explain philosophies of their negative behaviours to them, but I can never quite say it right, subtly enough, so I'm going to try to explain it to you, here:

In my parents I see the self-absorbed need to prove themselves, and part of this self-worth comes from not only proving themselves to themselves, but also getting recognition of their awesomeness from others.  They can't help but say phrases like "I told you so" or "You see!  I'm right!"  It's come to the point where as soon as I admit that something my mum said was right, I'll wait 5 seconds for the "I told you so" because I know it's coming.

My dad does this in another way.  He just loves making himself look good, or whatever his definition of "good" is (sometimes it's questionable).  He likes attention.  He likes indirectly, but still obviously, bragging.  He puts himself down to gain attention, just like your regular attention seeking teenage girl.  He wants everyone to think he's smart, or he's funny, so he'll try to paint himself that way in any situation, looking like a fool to me and possibly the person/people he's trying to impress.

They come from a culture I find somewhat displeasing - where students are pitted against each other to see who's better at everything, specifically academics.  It's why their friends and themselves enjoy proving themselves so much.  My mum tells me about how snobby some of her relatives and friends are, how they'll only give you their fake-as time of day if you're wealthy.  They have friends who talk about how self-absorbed I apparently am, when my parents are self-absorbedly talking about how self-absorbed these said friends are.

In my family my dad and I do this thing where we belittle my mum every time she says something we find stupid.  He laughs at her and we treat her so disrespectfully, as if she's not as smart as us.  It's a form of bullying, and like most forms of bullying the motive behind it is a sense of empowerment, that you're smarter than them.  In turn, my mum belittles her colleagues.  She always warns me about bitchiness when she's the biggest bitch I know.  She'll blatantly say, "I'm actually a very nice person.  Everyone says so." or "I'm very intelligent."  We all want to prove we're alphas, and we persuade ourselves in our heads that we are, when really we're all insignificant people and no one really gives a shit.

They're also so spiteful, and it comes from that blinding red hot rage you sometimes feel, where you start plotting distasteful revenge in your head, on everything you could hold over the other person.  Of course, being my parents, they have a lot they can hold over me.  When I was younger, my mum said she wouldn't plait my hair in the morning.  Then it became: "I won't take you to school" or "You can't use the big shower".  She actually took the effort to inconveniently move all my stuff into a different bathroom today, all out of spite.  And eventually, when I'm all grown up, they'll have nothing to hold over me and we may end up not speaking to each other.

I do know they love me, and they have good intentions for me.  But the lack of genuine empathy in this family is astounding.  When it comes to being kind, it's for the idea that they're a kind person.  It's just another way to prove that you're great.  It's seldom that any of us truly feel sad for any reason other than ourselves.  We're a family of selfish people, except maybe my sister.  She never shows any utter self-absorption.  But then, she's so self-deprecatory.  She's so insecure, but still worried mainly about herself.  Is it that everyone in this world is partially selfish?

I come from a family of people who won't be satisfied unless they believe they're special in a way.  It's a family of hypocrites, attention-cravers, insecurity and blaming.  To me, these are the ugliest characteristics in the world because they're the uglies I've grown up with.  These people can take pleasure in putting people down for every single thing they've done wrong, but manage to feel bad about it later.  And in this family, I win the competition of who's the most selfish, of who contains the most of these uglies, because I feel it so much, and I show it the most.

But what's the point of understanding all this and not putting it into positive action.  I guess all I can do is learn from all their mistakes, and learn from all the beautiful parts of them too.  People like this end up being somewhat powerful and successful, but shallow and unhappy in a way as well.  Pin-pointing uglies in less-than-perfect parents is pin-pointing parts of you to eradicate, or to cover like a blemish.

Note: I've literally been out all day and  it's late and I am exhausted.  Don't mind my untidy grammatically incorrect rant x

Love,
M

18 comments:

  1. Can I just say, the way you express yourself in writing is amazing? Whether or not you were tired. And this...wow this is really deep. I mean, it made me think about myself in yet, another light than I had before.
    Are you saying that because of whom you've grown up with, you yourself are reflecting those very same, deep negative thoughts and actions as those around you?
    Like if I am thought to be the most savage and selfish person in my family, but I am actually repeating the same things they are on a whole new level? I don't even think I asked any of those questions right. Sorry *_____________*

    But anyway, really liked this post and your blog looks amaz.

    ~TuddaPudda ^__________________^

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    1. Thanks so much TuddaPudda. I'm glad I made you think. You're definitely asking the right questions because that's exactly what all of us do - we reflect the people we've grown up with in ourselves, and sometimes this can manifest into something monstrous that needs to be stopped. The thing about parents though, is they've lived their whole lives like this and can't be taught differently. We can still change ourselves though.

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  2. For a fifteen-year-old girl, you surely are highly observant, M.
    This is deep, so incredibly deep. You've explained some of the darkest aspects of life so well, so maturely, in fact!
    But more than deep, your write-up is understandable. I can relate to it so well. I had similar thoughts too, when I was a fifteen-year-old
    As you grow up, you realize that people aren't segregated into good or bad, black or white. Everyone is a varying shade of grey. Everyone has their own set of demons which they artfully veil beneath a perfect visage.
    But, despite the demons, there's also a lot of good in everyone. In some, it might be hidden deep down and in some, you can see it shine out.
    I think it's really good that you observe everyone (even your parents and yourself) from an extremely impartial eye!
    Stay awesome as ever,
    Much love,
    Archie <3
    P.S., I really like the new theme! :)

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    1. Thanks so much Archie! I'm glad you noticed. I feel like the black and white is making people think my posts are deeper than they were, and I'm not complaining. People are definitely more grey than black and white, and it's up to us to grab the good parts of each person and hold on, make that a part of ourselves. We can learn to eradicate these demons as best as we can. Sometimes it's just too hard though. It's difficult being a good person. It's why I don't think anyone truly is.

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  3. I feel the same way. Actually, I'm pretty sure you're the only blogger I can relate to right now. Do we come from the same culture or...? The similarities are uncanny.

    I don't have much to say because you've said it all. Oh yeah, I love your new blog design. :)

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    1. Haha who knows? If your parents enjoy talking about rankings (in a country that doesn't rank students publicly) and getting high grades for no particular reason and being paranoid about their kids doing anything, probably. And thanks for noticing my blog design!! x

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  4. I tried to comment but I don't think it worked. Anyway, no one's perfect but I don't know what we have without our families. I remember my dad as a hero that could do nothing wrong, even though I understand that it wasn't true.

    /Avy

    http://mymotherfuckedmickjagger.blogspot.com

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    1. I guess it's true that we all need someone to believe in, someone we know so well we can actually identify their ugliest parts, because we all have them.

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  5. Families are complicated. Also as you get older, you realise adults are just like children. Just with less hair and bills to pay. I thought at 28 I'd have my shit together. But I still feel 14.

    Corinne x
    www.skinnedcartree.com

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    1. As I grow up I am both realising how much I'm changing and how imperfect and unknowledgeable I still am. I guess adults and children and all people are alike in this imperfectness and cluelessness. We're all almost equal in a way.

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  6. Families are pretty complicated ..old age is like second childhood !Great Post

    Bling Bling

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    1. They really are because we know our family members so well, and our uncensored behaviour becomes complicated. Thanks Anaya x

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  7. I've definitely felt these frustrations before, but I've never been able to make sense of this overwhelming feeling or put it into words, and definitely never as clearly as you've articulated yourself here, despite being exhausted. Nobody's perfect, and family is no exception. Everyone wants to present the best version of themselves, but an image is all it is, and it's tiring to keep up. The best part about family is being comfortable around them, not feeling like you have to act properly or be courteous. No bullshit, all real. But after years together, this comfort sometimes starts getting taken for granted. You see the most beautiful parts of them, but you also start seeing the ugliest parts, and what we have to remember, however difficult it is, is that you can't compare them to other people, because you haven't seen the ugliest parts of these other people. We're comparing our family's ugly parts to strangers' beautiful parts. Of course, the contrast is not quite so extreme, but hopefully you see what I'm getting at. Parents... they're just people, and they're every bit as lost as we are, but for our sake they try to keep it together, and sometimes they overcompensate, much to our chagrin. Maybe once in awhile we just need to remind them that they're enough, that we love them just as they are, that they have faults but that it's okay, and maybe then they won't constantly be seeking approval and validation from others. And the same reminder goes for ourselves :) The only way I'm able to say this in such a level-headed manner (I'd like to think) is because I've been away from my family for a year (first year of college done, *check*!) and (after my fair share of frustrations) I'm (finally) at a good place with them. I hope you find it too! I hope you find some peace with your family! We spend way too much time with our families to not love them. It'd be a terrible waste! -Audrey | Brunch at Audrey's

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    1. It's definitely true that with family we are our most comfortable, our most real, which is how we can see every single part of each other. With other people everyone is fake, and you're right: That's what we're comparing our family to, that pretend "beauty". But at the same time, I can see that once you've been away from them for a year, you may miss them, but maybe that's just a sign that family relationships are better off when spent apart.

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  8. The way you write and express things is awesome!
    Relationships with parents are complex and difficult. I mean let's be honest here, it is. As much as we love and hopefully respect them. We all have our problems and issues. The parents have theirs and the kid's have theirs too. And looking for a way to deal with both is something I'm still learning.

    ~Kristen
    https://www.etsy.com/shop/DreamaCrochet

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    1. I think it's something every person in the world is learning: How to get along with their parents/kids. It's such a balanced relationship and that balance is almost always way off. All relationships are complicated, but this is one of the most complicated of all.

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  9. Ugh, sometimes parents can be so frustrating. M, how are you so perfect, even your rants are beautiful. I love your new design btw.

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    1. Awh thanks Noor. I'm glad you noticed the new design. Ugh my mother is being annoying again. She's in a bad mood so she's yelling at everyone, very loudly. :(

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