To all you bloggers out there, I'm interested to know: How many people in your personal life know about your blog? And is it better that they do or they don't?
For me personally, I wish I were a completely secret blogger. Not for deceitful reasons like Gossip Girl (no matter how cool, and wrong, that is), but more to stay anonymous, to be able to speak my mind as much as I like on here without feeling awkward or worried that someone I know is reading my thoughts.
I mean, that's what a blog is meant to be, right? It's meant to be like an online diary as such. Obviously I do want people to read this diary, seeing as I'm posting it on the internet. But couldn't these people not be people I see at school, or at home, or anywhere? Why can't these people live in England or Africa or Antarctica for all I care? I love hearing you guys' comments and having you all reading about what some random Asian Australian is thinking. I think that's cool and also gives me some worldly opinions when you expand on my posts. But what about people I actually know?
When I decided to create a blog, I had this lovely little anonymous corner in mind. It was going to be my guilty pleasure, my secret hobby. The only person who would know would be June, who was the inspiration for my blog in the first place. Unfortunately, that's not how it all worked out.
So I made my blog on a sick day. I was bored at home and was like, "Hey June. I think I'm gonna make a blog today." And I did. I made one, and sent her the link, but stupid me forgot to tell her I wanted it to be a secret. So before I knew it most of our group knew. And that was okay. I mean, I have fantastic friends who wouldn't judge and probably wouldn't care enough to update themselves on my blog anyway.
And then the next people to know were my parents. My mum was wondering why I had been so completely obsessed and secretive with my laptop lately (I guess I'm not the best at hiding stuff from my nosy parents), and so I decided to tell her so she wouldn't think I was doing anything drastically wrong, because she honestly expects the worst of every secret I keep. And of course once I tell my mum something, the entire family will know.
It started with my dad and sister, who I don't think care one bit because they're kinda self obsessed. Or well, my dad is anyway. I have the sneaking suspicion my sister has been quietly reading my blog, seeing as I've caught the tabs open after she's used the computer. It's a sweet gesture I guess. After my immediate family came my uncle and aunty, who started talking about it when I went to Malaysia and had me all confused, seeing as my mum promised she hadn't told anybody. And I'm pretty sure some of my grand uncles and aunties, and other uncles and aunties, and second uncles and aunties know about my blog too. Stupid family.
And I guess you could say this is all endearing that so many people care about the random ramblings that go on in my head, but I'd really rather they didn't have access to any of it, or know that I enjoy writing stuff out in the first place.
It's probably really stupid of me to be writing any of this here, seeing as quite a few people at school know of my blog now, but you know what? I'm going to anyway because if I want to keep the enjoyment I gain from the honesty of my blog alive, I'm going to need to get through it and not care who's reading this. I doubt too many of them are reading this now anyway. I mean, I'm not that interesting to read about. But if you are reading this (I'm looking at you TN) then HII!! Please don't take this too judgementally because you're probably one of the people I don't mind reading this.
The uncomfortable thing about people from school knowing about your blog is that they'll probably talk about it, or possibly be on it in the middle of school. And it's not someone else's fault if they overhear or see it. It's very likely that some of your other friends will find out about it, or even people who are mere acquaintances, half friends? And it's no one's fault really. As soon as one person knows, others will probably know too. It's life, and it sucks when you're trying to maintain an anonymous blog.
The really awkward part is when they recognise themselves in your blog, both negative and positive. For example, if you took a lovely little photo and they happen to be in it, even if their face is completely wiped out. They might go on about being scared about where you're putting their photos, even if they're barely even in it. Like they think you're so super obsessed with them, or they're just a little paranoid. I mean, wouldn't it be better if they just didn't know about it? It's not like you're breaching privacy or anything. Nobody reading my blog is going to stalkishly stare at their invisible face and be like, "I want to find that girl."
And then, if you're doing one of your rants and something they did becomes a negative example. It's not like you hate them or anything. It's not like you think they're wrong or bad people. You're just mad at the world and it happens, but it doesn't look that way when they read it, and that can cause some awkward sticky situations. Sometimes they won't address it and it'll just be a white elephant. But otherwise, they might talk about it indirectly, through other people, or in the best circumstances, to your face. Everyone has different reactions, and I'm sorry if you found something negative about yourself in this blog. I really didn't mean it.
And even those regular rambles about nothing in particular. Like how you're wishing for the holidays to start, or your thoughts on how lonely you felt the other day... Who would want someone they actually know to read that?
I can already feel myself starting to censor what I write on here. I need to alter the experiences I write about to not be about them. I've been feeling like writing less and less lately because I'm not sure what to write about without feeling judged anymore. I'm feeling judged now. Blogging is becoming more like Instagram and Facebook than a diary. It's feeling like a place to share polished highlight moments rather than posting for comforting words and outside opinions.
But I'm not sure what to do. I must say, in the 8 months I've had my blog, it's become a part of my life, and I don't want to give any of it up. Maybe I should go with the whole "Don't let the haters stop you from doing your thang" thing. And no I don't think you guys (who I know in real life) are haters as such, but please stop laughing at that haters description, especially the 'thang' bit. I have the urge to backspace it right now but nope... I'm leaving that there.
And my advice to all you bloggers reading this: Be a secret blogger. Keep your blogging life completely separate from your real life. It'll be like your little corner to have a little chat. It'll be like your personal advice column, because some of the advice readers give based on your posts are amazing. But you've gotta be honest to get any of that advice. And trust me, you'll get a lot more honesty out if you know nobody you see face to face is going to discuss any of it with you.