But do I really hate her?
To the point where she lost all self control, swinging her ladybug lunch bag at my arm, causing me to double down in pain, do I really hate her?
And does it actually hurt that much or am I emphasising the pain and disrespect I now have just to hurt her?
Do I really hate her that much.
Lately there's been a theme of accusation. She's been saying that I always blame everyone but myself, that some of my arguments are so outrageous I no longer mean anything any more. She certainly perceives it that way, and maybe I should too.
I think it all comes down to independence. Throughout my life she's been blown out of proportion as a mother figure, a god, and I guess I no longer believe she's all knowing and perfect. But from the way I've grown up, I've been dependent on her for everything. Now is that her fault or mine? Am I doing the blaming thing again?
So if I stop asking her for money. If I stop asking her to drive me places. If I stop the implicit requirement that she does all the cooking and cleaning. If I stop depending on her, will the arguments stop too? If I start providing my own food, doing everything on my own, she won't have any leverage over me. But imagine how much harder my life would be.
I inflict so much pain on my mother, but why? Is it because of the undeniable amount of rights she has over me? The abject dependence I have on her? Is it all of that that makes her such a disappointment in my eyes when I realise that she's no longer able to meet all my wants? I ask so much of her that I forget that as I grow up my requirements are harder to meet, and yes they begin to become more unreasonable.
Maybe I need to do more on my own.
It's not the first time I've wished my mother were different. I wish she were more knowledgeable in the beauty department. I wish she had a better memory. I wish she could control her anger. I wish she were a better listener. I wish she actually went to high school instead of skipping 4 grades, and moving out at 15, so maybe she'd understand me better. But she's amazing in other aspects too, and no she's not the best mum in the world, but hey I can't get a new one. That's not how mothers work.
It scares me knowing I'm like her in many ways. I have the same anger problems, which is how our arguments can get so out of hand. I'm worried I might have her tendency to not listen properly, or her moments of complete boastfulness, albeit her constant modesty. I'm worried that sometimes I might act inferior like her, letting other people trample over me. I don't want to be that person. So am I going to have to work to overcome that? Is she teaching me an indirect lesson here?
She's not all bad. In fact, she's mostly good. But I've had enough and she has too. I think it's time to let that connection go. She'd be a better business partner than a friend. It's time for negotiation rather than arguments. Anything is better than this perpetual yelling, even if it means giving up some of the privileges I've taken for granted.
As she said, we can't survive with such animosity in this house.