Monday, 16 March 2015

Motherly Hatred

But do I really hate her? 

To the point where she lost all self control, swinging her ladybug lunch bag at my arm, causing me to double down in pain, do I really hate her?

And does it actually hurt that much or am I emphasising the pain and disrespect I now have just to hurt her?

Do I really hate her that much.



Lately there's been a theme of accusation.  She's been saying that I always blame everyone but myself, that some of my arguments are so outrageous I no longer mean anything any more.  She certainly perceives it that way, and maybe I should too.

I think it all comes down to independence.  Throughout my life she's been blown out of proportion as a mother figure, a god, and I guess I no longer believe she's all knowing and perfect.  But from the way I've grown up, I've been dependent on her for everything.  Now is that her fault or mine?  Am I doing the blaming thing again?


So if I stop asking her for money.  If I stop asking her to drive me places.  If I stop the implicit requirement that she does all the cooking and cleaning.  If I stop depending on her, will the arguments stop too? If I start providing my own food, doing everything on my own, she won't have any leverage over me.  But imagine how much harder my life would be.

I inflict so much pain on my mother, but why?  Is it because of the undeniable amount of rights she has over me?  The abject dependence I have on her?  Is it all of that that makes her such a disappointment in my eyes when I realise that she's no longer able to meet all my wants?  I ask so much of her that I forget that as I grow up my requirements are harder to meet, and yes they begin to become more unreasonable.

Maybe I need to do more on my own.


It's not the first time I've wished my mother were different.  I wish she were more knowledgeable in the beauty department.  I wish she had a better memory.  I wish she could control her anger.  I wish she were a better listener.  I wish she actually went to high school instead of skipping 4 grades, and moving out at 15, so maybe she'd understand me better.  But she's amazing in other aspects too, and no she's not the best mum in the world, but hey I can't get a new one.  That's not how mothers work.

It scares me knowing I'm like her in many ways.  I have the same anger problems, which is how our arguments can get so out of hand.  I'm worried I might have her tendency to not listen properly, or her moments of complete boastfulness, albeit her constant modesty.  I'm worried that sometimes I might act inferior like her, letting other people trample over me.  I don't want to be that person.  So am I going to have to work to overcome that?  Is she teaching me an indirect lesson here?

She's not all bad.  In fact, she's mostly good.  But I've had enough and she has too.  I think it's time to let that connection go.  She'd be a better business partner than a friend.  It's time for negotiation rather than arguments.  Anything is better than this perpetual yelling, even if it means giving up some of the privileges I've taken for granted.


As she said, we can't survive with such animosity in this house.

Love,
M

28 comments:

  1. I hope you sort through this. Stay safe.

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    1. Safety isn't a problem here. It's mostly just the fact that our relationship is hanging by a thread and we can't take it anymore. I'm sure we'll sort through it though xx

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  2. I can relate to some of this post, M, espically when you realized your mom isn't the perfect being you thought she was. It is tough and I wish things were different. Sometimes I really can't forgive. But I'm glad you seem to be focusing on the good things. That's th best thing to do:)

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    1. She can be freaking crazy, so I'd say she's far from perfect. I don't know how we all manage to perceive everything so differently as kids, and I wish things were different too. Thanks Sarah <3

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  3. Me and my mom used to fight all the time. Compromising did help, even if it was the last thing I wanted to do. I hope you and your mom can work it out. :)

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    1. I hope so too. She seems to never ever want to compromise, although maybe I don't either. So hopefully we come to more agreements in life.

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  4. I'm sorry you're going through this.

    But I also think that you and your mom are normal (AMAZING) family members that can really lose it on each other sometimes.

    If it's really getting bad, talk to someone else you love for support.

    I think you do love her. But sometimes even the people we love get unbearable.

    I bet she wants to end this just as much as you do. Is it possible to make a truce and compromise?

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    1. Sometimes she is pretty crazy, and she acts in that really frustrating unbearable manner, but you're right. We do love each other. It's just hard to make compromises when neither side will budge.

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  5. Ah, moms. I hope you can work through this. My momma and I used to fight constantly when I was younger. We both have wisened (Me especially) up and we barely fight anymore. Sometimes it's a phase. Remember: This too shall pass.
    xx

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    1. Hopefully. That's what my mum said to me too. Apparently it's a "teen thing". But then, my mum didn't even live with hers when she was a teen, so she never went through any of it.

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  6. Good luck to you, you'll be in my thoughts. I'm afraid I can't relate, I love my mum to pieces, but I'm going to keep thinking about you.
    Best of luck.
    Work it out.
    Sophia.xo

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    1. Thanks Sofia. I love my mum too, but I guess she's controlling and we just disagree a lot...

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  7. I hope you can get through this. My parents do love me-- they just are often busy and a lot of times, when I do talk to them, I clash with them because I am the polar opposite. They work for money, while I mainly work for the joy of helping people. I'm an old soul, and they want to convert to now, and it's difficult. Wait, no, I won't HOPE you get through this-- you will. <3

    xoxo Morning

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    1. Haha thanks Morning. I don't think I'm opposite to any of my parents, and they are usually free to bother me. I guess we just disagree in the sense of what I am or am not allowed to do, so that's the clash there.

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  8. Hi M,
    I'd gone through this two-three years ago. My mom and I used to fight constantly about the littlest of things. Back then, even I loathed my mom. But now, I've realised this: It's all a part of growing up!
    Talk to your mom calmly and sort out everything calmly. Have a heart to heart talk with your mom.
    Trust me, everything will be all right. :)
    Stay awesome as ever,
    Much love,
    Archie <3

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    1. I think my mum and I do have heart to hearts, but it doesn't stop the fighting because there's always something new to argue about. I guess it is a part of growing up, because it's impossible for any independent mind to live under the control of another, which is every teenager before they move out. Thanks Archie <3

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  9. You sound like a very mature individual based on the thoughts in this post.
    I'm sure it will be difficult, but the two of you will get through this rift. <3

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    1. I'm literally the most dependent person who just talks in that mature manner to make it sound like I know what I'm saying. In reality I am so confused about all of this, and I hope we'll get through it too Jordy.

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  10. I found this post really interesting. There's things that my mom does that make me really upset, and there are ways I wish she was different, but at the same time, she has been such a role model to me. And in the same way as you, I see many similarities between my mom and myself, and some of those I am thankful for, and others not so much.
    You guys will get through this and hopefully once you do, it will bring you closer together!

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    1. I think that sums it up well. And hopefully it will make us closer when I'm older xx

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  11. Don't get me started on mom. The hardest thing in life is dealing with what you get.

    /Avy

    http://mymotherfuckedmickjagger.blogspot.com

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  12. Stay strong, M. You'll pull through. Because your mother loves you really, I'm sure. Just hang in there and if it ever gets too much, talk to someone you love and trust and they will help you ♥

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    1. Thanks Cindy. I know she does but I guess we both just have this constant irritation towards each other.

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  13. I hope your relationship with your mom gets better but for now I'm sure you will be able to push through because from your post here and other posts you sound so mature and like an independent thinker. :)

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    1. Aw thanks Maddy. I hope it does too, but trust me, my actions can be anything but mature sometimes.

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  14. I know this post is a couple weeks old, but I've just found your blog and now I'm browsing. I guess teenagers don't want much advice, but I've been in a similar situation and I feel like I can offer a little. I'm only 26, so I'm not terribly old, but I had a very rocky relationship with my parents in the last couple years I lived at home. I thought the same way you are - that they had too much control over me, took advantage of the fact that they were my parents, etc. Heck, I thought they used me as a slave because they made me empty the dishwasher!

    But here's what I learned: It doesn't really matter. Because the truth is you are "under her roof" and, to be honest, if this is the worst you're dealing with then you've got it pretty good. This is the easiest part of your life, believe it or not! I thought it was so rough that I decided to try to run away, which was really dumb, because it wasn't that serious in the grand scheme of things.

    Then I moved out and realized the "real world" was a whole lot scarier. Yes, you have your freedom and that is so great! But don't rush it. The sooner you start being totally independent the sooner you have to figure out how to handle everything on your own.

    My guess is (and you seem to have confirmed) that your mom loves you and you love her too. A little bickering is natural! Just try not to let it get you down and try to see things in the bigger picture and realize it's not really that bad! Enjoy your mom while you have her! ;)

    Tracy @ Cornerfolds

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    1. Thanks Tracy. Now that a few weeks have gone by and I've returned to this post again, I agree that I should enjoy my mum while I have her, but maybe that's just because I'm not mad at her right now haha. I know I don't want to move out or run away any time soon, but there will always be moments of hostility in this household, and I need to learn to accept that.

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