I'm only one and a half weeks in and I'm already sick of it. I came in fresh and strong, and now I feel like I've been deflated. I'm so so tired by the time lunch comes around, and I've got a blooming ulcer that hurts every time I talk. Surrounding yourself by people in an institution involuntarily makes you feel this way. There's so many different kinds of people that you no longer feel normal anymore.
This morning after band she said, "Hey M!". I said "hey" back. Then her friend came and I said something about the chairs of all things. Later we were walking together and we were talking about house captains, another mundane topic, and how the people in her house are so competitive. I ended up walking ahead. No matter what we're talking about I'll always be the third wheel. They'll wait for each other, but there's no guarantee they'll wait for me.
As soon as I see her I yell her name and she looks up at me expectantly. "You're not wearing your glasses today!" I say, remembering how she's been waiting for her contacts, but forgetting something else much more important. "No. They're in my pocket" she says, and I begin to walk away. End of conversation. But then I hear it. "Happy Birthday!" I think back to the less than enthusiastic text she sent me last night. Haha ok x after a paragraph ramble. It's too late. She knows I forgot. I know I forgot. And I feel terrible. Why can I never remember anyone's birthday, when for some people they remember birthdays as if their life depends on it? I really can be a terrible friend.
"You know how you said you don't like your hair down? Well I think it looks better down." I know she means it as a piece of advice, a compliment of sorts, but it makes me self conscious. Do I look weird with my side fringe pinned up?
In PE we're defending, just me and her. The ball's on the other side of the field and everyone's fighting for it in a little cluster, except for us. She's so enthusiastic, telling me about her morning. A normal person would make a joke and laugh. But instead I reply in a disinterested monotone voice, and she changes the topic in an equally monotone voice.
This brings me to the other day in assembly. The moment she walked in, I stopped my conversation with the other girl. "You'd better have brought them" I said, referring to the tic tacs in her blazer pocket. The other girl laughed. A normal person would've offered her one and possibly made a new assembly buddy, but I didn't. I ignored her and the poor girl must either think I'm intimidating or weird.
"Hey." I say as I am walking past, giving her a polite smile. "Well if it isn't M" she says after a moment. I stand there, not sure how to reply. I settle with "Well... bye." I'm not sure if I was acting abnormal, or if that was her.
At lunch I sit down and give an overenthusiastic "Hi!". She looks at me weirdly and says "hi" back. She always seems a little judgmental. The conversation is about exercise and healthy eating, but everything I say sounds wrong. I make a point and they question it. They make me unsure of how to answer without sounding completely clueless. They probably think I am judging from my junk food rep. And then I say something that makes me sound like I'm full of myself, but I've done that a lot. They probably already think I am.
My ulcer hurts so bad. All I can do is tell something to the girl next to me, and she repeats it in a way so much funnier than I would have. The whole class laughs, including me. I'm rocking back and forth, face red with laughter, looking like a retard.
We're sitting on the wall after school, watching the cars driving through. We're talking about formal dates, even though the formal isn't for a long time. "People are having co-ed sweet 16s just to help people get dates" she says. I didn't know about this. But then, neither did 70% of our grade. // "That was my old group!" the other girl with us exclaims, referring to her old school. Apparently they're nicknamed the bogans and they do lots of drugs and alcohol nowadays. I didn't know this, but apparently those two did. "Security was so not tight there. At the year eight dance disco thing everyone got drunk" By everyone she probably means people like her, not everyone. // But I don't have anything interesting to add to this conversation.
Beforehand I was leaning against that wall with another girl. We were trying to predict who would become the dux in our grade. When the girl who would later talk about her bogan group came along to surprise me as usual, she was the one that wasn't like us. She was the one not being normal. We had reasonable predictions, assessing the top grades, and she made a wild guess.
I guess 'normal' is referring to the majority's views and the way they act, and that's ever changing depending on the people and what they're doing. So I guess we could all be 'normal' given the correct situation and mix of people.
We're individuals with our own priorities. 'Normal' shouldn't affect us, because it doesn't really exist, and I need to remember that.
But it wouldn't kill me to feel more normal, to act more normal in some of these situations.
I guess I'm an ever changing person. We all are. That's normal.