Monday, 12 January 2015

A Little Lost

I feel sick.  I don't know what to think.  I'm surrounded by people who don't leave me alone so I don't have time to.  My brain feels overloaded with other people's stories, philosophies and advice, and I'm not sure what the right state of mind is, what my mantra should be.  I'm not sure if I've got a long way to go, or if I've driven straight past it. 


The question is, who should I be?  Who do I want to be?  And how do I make myself that person?

Being isolated from home for so long, I feel like I've changed.  I'm a little edgier, a little dorkier, and a whole lot more oblivious.  The vacation has made me care less.  I don't think before doing anything.  I just exist doing whatever it is I'm doing, and I'm feeling happy. 

I've become confident... if that's what you call doing and not really caring.

I'm like a really heavy (and getting heavier thanks to these pineapple tarts) rock. The tide isn't pushing me around.  Nothing is.  I'm not effected.  And when I'm mentally disconnected from my surroundings, I become my raw self, which is enlightening.

I guess I want to be a person with personality.  I want to do something I love.  I want experiences.  I want to be healthy.  I want to stick out a little, but to also belong.  I want opportunities to become my realities.  I want to care less about the opinions of other people.  I want to become someone I would think is awesome.

That's my destination.  That's the person I want to be.  But I think I'm a little lost.  I'm going to need to find the way to get there, and it's going to take all year, even longer.

In 2015 I want answers.  I want clarity and manifestation.


But I'm afraid that instead of finding my way, I'm going to back track.  I'm scared that any progress I've made in isolation is going to come crashing down the moment I go home.  I don't want to go back to the way things used to be.  I don't want to turn back into a meeker version of myself.  This new carelessness and freedom has been good to me.  I like being a rock.  It's just a question of whether I can stay that way.

One glance at social media.  One post.  One request.  One simple action.  And suddenly everything I've built comes crumbling down again.  One little connection and I'm unsure again.  How long should I wait?  Should I 'like' this?  If something so trivial, inconsequential and obsessive as this can bring me down, what's going to happen once I'm fully connected to my life again?


I don't want everything to disappear.  I want to keep it all.  I want to keep that objectiveness and complete loss of my surroundings.  I want to keep existing.  I want to keep finding myself instead of suppressing it down. 

I matter so little, yet I matter so much to myself, and I need to remember that.  I want to find my way instead of staying lost.  I don't want to forget myself in the mess of everyone else.  I don't want to go home next week.

Love,
M

60 comments:

  1. Sounds like you have a lot on your mind. Don't worry, I don't think coming back from a vacation will turn you into something you don't want to be.

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    1. Thanks Ella. I think I do, although it may have just been PMS. I'm just afraid that when I get back I'll lose any of the clarity I've gained while being away, and I'll stop focusing on bettering myself.

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    Replies
    1. Hi Chris from France! I'd love to add my blog to your list of bloggers. Checking out your blog now xx

      Delete
  3. Wow, that was, amazing. You are amazing, and I don't think that you should change yourself. You are perfect M, per-fect. Coming back won't change you, you are already amazing.

    ~Noor

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    1. Aw thanks Noor. You're too sweet. But what if I want to change? For the better?

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  4. Don't ever change yourself you are a talented and wonderful writer who has achieved so much I think you are absolutely amazing. I would really love to do a blog collab maybe? If you would be interested let me know anotherteenontheweb@yahoo.co.uk
    Another Teen On The Web

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    1. Thanks so much <3 You're so nice. But you can always write what you want to be. That's why we have novels and blogs (although I'd like to hope this blog is reflective of my true character). It's so much harder to become what you want in terms of life. And what do you mean by a blog collab? Because it sounds interesting xx

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    2. By blog collab I mean guest posts on each other blog I will do a post over here and hopefully you would do one on mine. Before I forget I nominated you for the Infinity Dreams award please check it out...
      Another Teen On The Web

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    3. Yeah. Actually that sounds like a good idea. I've never really done any guest posts before, but there's a first time for everything, right? Thanks for the nomination! Checking it out now! x

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    4. Yeah definitely very soon I am doing a blog post on looking for a guest post friend who would help me out so check that out whenever i decide to publish it :) x

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    5. Haha ok I'll look out for it ;)

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  5. I think everyone goes through time when they're trying to figure out who they are. And sometimes I wonder if that time ever really ends. We're always changing, in small ways, though there are parts of ourselves that we will always keep. Thinking about who you want to be and where you belong, I believe is a mature thing to do. Everything you do and say and the people you hang around, the way you react or don't react, it says something about you. But don't be afraid to live either. If you like something, then like it. Don't let other people's definition of "cool" or "awesome" be your definition if you don't agree with it. I think the best thing to be is someone that you won't be ashamed of.

    It's good in a way to not care about what other people think about you. But also give their opinions good consideration. Simply because sometimes it may surprise you who will learn from. Sometimes they're a bad example, sometimes good. Sometimes you don't agree with someone else's perspective on life, but you learn how to be understanding toward them. You know what I mean?

    You're awesome (just to let you know ;). And finding yourself is hard (yeah, I know). As well as figuring out where you belong. But don't think too hard about it.

    Let it come natural. After all being yourself should come natural, right? ;)

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    1. This is the kind of comment I post these things for. It's like you're writing a whole post just for me. One that I will read and immediately feel a connection to, because you've just given me amazing advice.

      "Be someone that you won't be ashamed of". That's exactly how it should be described. Every single little thing I do or say really does make me, so if I do or say exactly what I feel like, that's who I am. Because what I'd naturally do is what myself would do? It's all so confusing but yeah I get what you mean. And I also get that I do care, and I should care, because their opinions can help me learn who I want to be and shape who I am. But at the same time I shouldn't care so much, because some people I should definitely disagree with, and they'll just make me unhappy.

      Thanks so much Ashley! <3

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  6. Another really relatable post! I know exactly what you mean, during the holidays when you're away from the whole social scene of peers, the world seems like a better place and you're a better person as a result (or at least you like to think you are!).

    Facebook is the worst! And today, I made the monumental decision to delete my account because I feel like it eats away at who I am... but I'll keep my Twitter account! I just feel like Facebook didn't represent the true me, and I'm sick of all this 'liking' photos bull! Ugh! School always emotionally drains me as well, but luckily I've got great and very amusing friends to keep me sane!

    From someone who's 'been there and done that' about a hundred times before, and I always seem to feel like that at this time of year, I think that being different i.e. yourself, and pursuing your hobbies will get you through those feelings. I had them pretty bad when I was younger but I feel like 'I'm me' now, perhaps it's just a part of getting older. At least that way, you'll be rid of it at some point!

    And if you're like me, I'd at least try and keep away from Facebook because you need some 'you' time!
    You'll be on the right track before too long!

    Golden Ducklings

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    1. I actually don't have facebook, and I'm not about to get it either ;) But I guess instagram for me is like facebook for you. It's amazing what followers and comments alone can do. And I'm definitely not courageous enough to delete it. I envy you, but at the same time am thinking "what the hell are you doing"

      Being away from the social scene does make me feel like some kind of amazing person, and I'm so glad you're relating. I think it's because I don't care about the opinions of anyone here, and I have no one to compare to. I guess I'm still young and not old enough to feel like 'I'm me' but I won't stop working at myself until that day comes that I'm satisfied.

      I'll stay away from those parts of instagram. I promise.

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  7. Hello! Dear
    Read your post..Its quite similar to mine situation. I have the same feelings a while ago, I wanted to go for a silent meditation. I need peace and out social and fake surroundings. But later, I thought its a part of my life and I need to fight with all the things that hinders my success.
    So, I decided not to go away from this problem and fight it. Vacations and holiday relaxation are short-term it just retrieve us and freshen up mind. Its not an solution to the root problem. I'm trying to cope this problem and the process is going on!!!
    New Post on my blog, your feedbacks matter to me
    http://glitzzngrace.blogspot.dk

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    1. You're right. I've finally found what I need to do. So I need to go back and continue doing it. What's a fight if it's not done in more difficult surroundings right? If I want to fight for myself, it will have to be in the long term, in the place where I need myself the most.

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  8. Yeah, I think about this a lot too, trying to find out who I am. I may not know the complete answer, but at least there is a path that I get to decide to take. :) I hope everything goes well!

    xoxo Morning

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    1. So let's make 2015 the year of ourselves. I want that path to be closer to an end this year, because I just want the me-ness in me to come through already. I want satisfaction. I hope everything goes well for you too Morning xx

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    1. Hopefully soon!! Thanks Tegan <3

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  10. You know, it's perfectly okay to be lost. When I graduated from university I was like "what next? what do I do?" Explore a little & remember that others' opinions are just that: opinions. Happy Monday!

    :] // ▲ itsCarmen.com ▲

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    1. Thanks Carmen. I think that's what I'm feeling. The thought of what I'm supposed to do next. You're right. Opinions are just opinions. They're not my opinion. Happy Tuesday!! ;)

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  11. Really inspiring and powerful post, you put a lot of how I am feeling into words especially the "I want answers" bit. These last few months I have been wondering what have I ever done to people to deserve such bad luck? Apparently you make your own luck so 2015 I am going to do just that. Great post. xox

    http://www.rainbowsandunicornsblog.co.uk/

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    1. You definitely make your own luck! Technically you can get people to act towards you in any way you want, depending on how you act in front of them. It's not luck. It's manipulation. The problem is that pretence makes you lost, and that's why you need to find answers. Good luck finding answers Marie!! xx

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  12. I understand how you feel, it is hard sometimes and even harder when people around you just don't seem to understand. Hugs, just keep working on yourself and findings things you love, it will all come together
    Missie @ A Flurry of Ponderings

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    1. Thanks Missie. Finding things I love will most definitely help. And I know it will come together eventually. It will just take a long time, because finding yourself is a complicated task. Hugs right back <3

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  13. Hello, my name is Miss faith, I'm from USA. I want to inform you all that there is a spell caster that is genuine and real. I never really believed in any of these things but when I was losing Garvin, I needed help and somewhere to turn badly. I found consultant.odia spells and i ordered a LOVE SPELL. Several days later, my phone rang. Garvin was his old self again and wanted to come back to me! Not only come back, the spell caster opened him up to how much I loved and needed him. Spell Casting isn't brainwashing, but they opened his eyes to how much we have to share together. I recommend anyone who is in my old situation to try it. It will bring you a wonderful surprises as well as your lover back to you. The way things were meant to be." you can contact the spell caster on ogbonispelitemple@hotmail.com he's very nice and great.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. lol ok. If anyone reading this believes in it, go ahead. I'm not judging...

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  14. Maybe it's not about finding yourself but creating yourself. At the end of my senior year of high school, I just felt so done with everything and everyone, so I'd spend a lot of my time after school in different cafes and getting in tune with myself. Even though coffee shops are bustling with life, I find that it's a great place to be alone. Nobody expects you to engage in conversation and they respect that you'd just like to sit by yourself and drink your own coffee, maybe with a book to accompany you. -Audrey | Brunch at Audrey's

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    1. That is exactly it. I want to create myself to become someone I would never be ashamed of, someone who's strong enough not to care. I absolutely love cafes and maybe observing the different people will make me more sure of the kind of person I want to be. Maybe I will find myself a nice little café with some amazing chai latte.

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  15. Aww I think everyone goes through this in their lives it's just a phase which ll go away soon am sure. I just wanna say one should never change for anything. btw love the nail polish shade.
    www.rumelatheshopaholic.blogspot.com

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    1. Thanks Rumela. I love the shade too. Although it's got a whole lot of glitter so it's difficult to remove. And I'm sure fining yourself is a phase until you've actually found it, but in the meantime I'm not really changing, I'm creating. I just want to become, well, less her and more me.

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  16. I think this is something we all can relate to from time to time. As I got older, I figured it would lessen but I'm sad to say that the feelings get more intense as I feel more and more like I'm running out of time.

    Wah.

    Corinne x
    www.skinnedcartree.com

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    1. So no matter how old you are, you're still always finding yourself? Well, that sucks. I want to find myself eventually, and be completely content with the person I am.

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  17. I definitely understand how you feel, and I have been struggling with the same thing going into this year; who should I be?
    definitely following your blog, and I hope sometime you can come check out mine!
    -Lauren <3
    lovingourcreator.blogspot.com

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    1. I'm glad you're able to relate. I guess trying to figure out who you are and who you want to be is something every person deals with in their life. Thanks so much for following Lauren! I'm checking out your blog now <3

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  18. Wow You just helped me a lot! Ever since a REALLY big change in my family, I've slowly had the chance to become myself, I have a big problem with people and their opinions but now that I've read your post and the comments, now it seems that it might not be that bad at all! I know how you feel. And I hope you stay just the way you are 'cause you are awesome!

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    1. Awh. Thanks Addy. Although I wouldn't say I'm awesome, but I'm working on it ;) Some day I hope to find the key to becoming the awesomest person I can be. I'm so glad I've helped you and I hope you can do the same. Some of these commenters give amazing advice, am I right!?

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  19. Thanks for the advice
    See me at www.myblue-stripedumbrella.blogspot.com

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    1. Ok. I'm checking out your blog now. xx

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  20. Hi M, there's a quote from Henry David Thoreau that says, "Only when we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." Thank you for sharing your thoughts and I'm sure you'll find yourself somewhere even if you're in the dark. Don't fret about coming back to the same old self because we always change throughout our experiences. Even if we feel like we've gone back track, there's always something a little different in ourselves that we just don't take notice of and we don't know. :)

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    1. Thanks Dian. That quote is actually so relatable because I never thought of who I wanted to be when I wasn't feeling lost. I guess we all do change with every moment of our lives. So everything I felt and thought about must still linger.

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  21. I want leave this time a great quote:
    Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.
    George Bernard Shaw

    www.sakuranko.com

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    1. That really is a great quote. I wonder what we'll have created by the end of our lives. Thanks Sakuranko <3

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  22. Just do you boo, just keep on doing you. Your the only person who is able to determine the person you want to be . And for sure I could tell you that you're perfect and you don't need to change but if you want change,if you feel as if you need change. Go for it. It's easy to lose yourself and it takes a heck of a lot of work to find yourself again but when you do it'll probably be one of the best things you can experience. Just stay strong, you control who you are. You have the ability to prevent back tracking. It lies within yourself, the power to be you. I know you can do it, your writing certainly shows that your strong. And I know this is coming from a 13 year old but I can relate.

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    1. That is some amazing advice, even if you're 13. You're right. By the end of this, whenever I become what I end up being, it'll all be for the better, and it'll be a great experience. We're both young, so we have so much more to create of ourselves. I do need to change. I'm not perfect. I don't even want to become perfect.

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  23. Shut off the world. Silence the voices outside. Listen to what your heart tells you. Then follow it. At the end of the day, it is your choices that define you. It is your life so do what makes you happy, and don't just do things because people say so.

    I hope you'll find the clarity you need this 2015. :)

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    1. Thanks. I hope so too. Shutting and existing is what I'm going to do. No outside influences, right? That's my first choice. I'm sure it will make me happier.

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  24. I feel like this sometimes, I hope you find yourself, and have a great 2015 x

    http://wonderfulandweirdbeautyandlife.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. Thanks! I'm glad you can relate. You have a great 2015 too. xx

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  25. I know exactly how you feel, sometimes things are all overwhelming. Beautifully written post. Good luck to you x

    rubys-eyes.blogspot.com

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    1. Thanks Ruby. Things are overwhelming, but I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels that way. xo

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  26. hmmm... answers you are looking for, are not easy to find... I always believed that right choices we are making when we are forced to decide, so usually I let the universe go with the flow and let me live my life...

    you write about being isolated... this is an issue I am dealing with at the moment... 'do I want to proceed with what I do, even though it means social life via various network channels instead of real contact with another human beings???' it's hard to decide at one go... I would want to have it all, but there is not enough time...

    I hope we both will find your balance :)
    have a good week
    xoxo

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    1. Ok. Letting the universe go with the flow sounds like a good idea.. And you're right about needing a balance between socializing and isolation. When isolated, there's nothing to compare to, nothing to be anxious about, and therefore you're just kinda blissfully happy. But human contact is important too, and it's also unavoidable seeing as I'm still in school. But thanks Anja. I hope you finish dealing with this balance issue soon. You have a good week too xx

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  27. beautiful blog :)
    http://saltskinned.blogspot.com.au

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    1. Thanks Anita. I'm checking yours out now :)

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