I feel sick. I don't know what to think. I'm surrounded by people who don't leave me alone so I don't have time to. My brain feels overloaded with other people's stories, philosophies and advice, and I'm not sure what the right state of mind is, what my mantra should be. I'm not sure if I've got a long way to go, or if I've driven straight past it.
The question is, who should I be? Who do I want to be? And how do I make myself that person?
Being isolated from home for so long, I feel like I've changed. I'm a little edgier, a little dorkier, and a whole lot more oblivious. The vacation has made me care less. I don't think before doing anything. I just exist doing whatever it is I'm doing, and I'm feeling happy.
I've become confident... if that's what you call doing and not really caring.
I'm like a really heavy (and getting heavier thanks to these pineapple tarts) rock. The tide isn't pushing me around. Nothing is. I'm not effected. And when I'm mentally disconnected from my surroundings, I become my raw self, which is enlightening.
I guess I want to be a person with personality. I want to do something I love. I want experiences. I want to be healthy. I want to stick out a little, but to also belong. I want opportunities to become my realities. I want to care less about the opinions of other people. I want to become someone I would think is awesome.
That's my destination. That's the person I want to be. But I think I'm a little lost. I'm going to need to find the way to get there, and it's going to take all year, even longer.
In 2015 I want answers. I want clarity and manifestation.
But I'm afraid that instead of finding my way, I'm going to back track. I'm scared that any progress I've made in isolation is going to come crashing down the moment I go home. I don't want to go back to the way things used to be. I don't want to turn back into a meeker version of myself. This new carelessness and freedom has been good to me. I like being a rock. It's just a question of whether I can stay that way.
One glance at social media. One post. One request. One simple action. And suddenly everything I've built comes crumbling down again. One little connection and I'm unsure again. How long should I wait? Should I 'like' this? If something so trivial, inconsequential and obsessive as this can bring me down, what's going to happen once I'm fully connected to my life again?
I don't want everything to disappear. I want to keep it all. I want to keep that objectiveness and complete loss of my surroundings. I want to keep existing. I want to keep finding myself instead of suppressing it down.
I matter so little, yet I matter so much to myself, and I need to remember that. I want to find my way instead of staying lost. I don't want to forget myself in the mess of everyone else. I don't want to go home next week.