I don't know if it's wise to be blogging about this, but I really just want to type this out, and in some ways I hope my mum will find it and read it. Maybe it'll give her some insight into what's happening in my head.
Okay, so since I'm on my mum, let's start with her. Number one, she has some serious anger management issues. Just tonight she locked me out of our hotel room and told me she'd break all my fingers while squeezing them as tight as she could. If she were any stronger I think she'd actually break them. It's moments like this when I get a little scared. I know she must love me, but that doesn't mean she wouldn't hurt me in these moments of anger. I'm not saying it's unprovoked either. But what I do certainly shouldn't provoke this kind of reaction. She can just get so mad that she becomes, I admit, psychotic.
Number two, she's sometimes a little slow or fast, or however you want to interpret it. Basically, she doesn't quite understand things, but she still thinks she knows everything. I don't know if it's because she literally can't comprehend what I'm saying, or if it's because she's trying to reply so fast that she doesn't listen to what I'm saying. Either way, she doesn't get the point. and when I try to explain again she just blocks her ears and says she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. As a result she thinks she's forever in the right, until she calms down a bit at least. She certainly never says sorry, or says I'm right.
She's also a bit of a hypocrite, always telling me not to yell while she's yelling. Telling me I can't always have the last word while having the last word. It's frustrating but as I said, she never understands.
I could probably go on and on about the way she can't accept that we aren't available to do what she wants at this very moment, or how she vacuums every half an hour it seems, or the amount of disrespect she gives to us "kids".
But let's move on to my dad. He definitely understands what I'm saying, but that doesn't make him understanding. Most of the time he hears me and then outright disagrees. Maybe he's right, but half the time he's just trying to achieve his own agenda. If it's me complaining about my mum, he sides with her to avoid her wrath. "Even if your mum is wrong, you should just agree with what she says" is something he's said often. And the things he'll do to get on the computer, he seems to lose all reasoning. To the point where he can physically try to remove my sister and I, and even if we're crying our eyes out, he'll simply ignore us.
He's also really loud and biased. He's the one that talks to everybody, and his opinion becomes everybody's opinion. He's like the mr popular of our family. If he thinks I have a bad sense of direction, everybody thinks I do, and then continuously doubts me or makes jokes about it. And every conversation I have with him, it's repeated to the extent that what was said isn't even recognisable anymore, and as usual it's the only version anybody hears. Literally, if he asks me if I want to be a doctor, and I reply with a murmured yeah maybe, he'll tell everyone I'm interested in studying medicine now or something.
And then there's his strange obsession with my friends and my life. I've rarely ever heard him talk of anything else. It's as if he has nothing else in his life. Every time he picks me up from a friend's house, he won't stop talking about them until the next pick up. Everybody notices. It's especially annoying because he doesn't know half my friends or anything about all of them, which leads to many untrue assumptions.
He also can't sit still. He can't stop vying for attention. He can't stop asking stupid questions he doesn't even want the answer of. He can't just leave us alone.
And then there's my little sister... I guess she just seems a little weak. I think I'm the one that becomes psychopathic around her. I can become so so mean, to the extent that later I become so ashamed, but not courageous enough to apologize.
The thing is, all her life she's been treated like a baby, so I guess she acts like one. Lately I've noticed so many god qualities in her. She's good with kids and I reckon she's prettier than I am. But I have the feeling she doesn't recognise any of it. She blindly believes whatever my mum tells her and can't see outside that range. She's so cooped up she doesn't understand, and she's getting too old for that. They need to let her out.
But maybe she's not as clueless as she seems. Sure, her comebacks aren't even worth replying to, but her whole baby perception certainly gives her some leeway. Apparently she can't carry bags. Apparently she can't use a broom. Apparently she can't be the one to get up, because she's 'younger'. Apparently she can't take down the clothes even though she's my height. Apparently when we fight, she's too weak to go up against me so she needs continuous back up. I don't know if this is her plan, or it's just the perks of being weak.
My parents think she's kinder inside, more thoughtful. I think she's just average.
And then there's me. Maybe I'm the most psychotic of them all. Maybe I really am cruel. I've definitely inherited my mum's temper, which is the how our fights manage to get so out of hand. I've inherited my dad's one track selfish mind, the way he understands bur doesn't care, his tendency to play up stories, and that way he tries to gain recognition for any success in a humble way, making a fool of himself whilst doing so. It scares me a little, seeing these characteristics in myself, because I don't want them to become as ugly as I see them in my parents. I don't want to keep them.
I know I'm a psychopath in a family of psychopaths, but there's always a way to become a little less psycho.