Friday, 24 October 2014
Out of Control
Life is feeling out of my control, and I'm not sure how to get everything back under my thumb.
I got two bad grades today.
This whole semester feels like it's collapsing.
I haven't been cutting back on junk food, at all.
Friends? They're great but why am I confused.
The fete tomorrow?
All those chores?
Sometimes I forget to eat breakfast. That's never happened before.
Should I quit?
Why is it so difficult to just suck it up and join the conversation?
People are people. They're no better or worse than me. So why do they matter so much?
Do I even exercise anymore?
What's with the sudden fashion sense?
I'm wearing the same shorts every weekend.
I'm wearing my jogging t-shirts.
I'm wearing black flats with everything.
What am I even doing?
I feel as if I'm floating. Should I care more, or am I actually caring too much?
What happened to the super organised M who had everything under control? Who always knew which assessment was coming up, and when to prepare for it. Who never ever procrastinated. Who wrote to-do lists. Who planned everything in her diary. Who woke up at 7:30 without a fail. Who didn't look at her phone until she was already on her way to school. Who was satisfied. Who wasn't even stressed.
Maybe I should disconnect, because my phone is ruining my life. But I can't do that. As well as causing angst, the phone is a source of ranting. I rant and rant through texts, and it makes me feel better.
I think I need routine. I need less distractions. I need the to-do lists and the diaries and the non-procrastination. I know I need to get rid of the phone and laptop, but I just can't say it.
Oh god I'm pathetic.
I need to get rid of my phone and laptop.
But maybe I should keep floating too. I should float among the people, oblivious to their judgemental minds that probably aren't even judging me anyway. It's better they make an opinion on me by what I say, than the fact that I'm not saying anything at all.
It's better to stop stressing over stuff that isn't a problem. Stop stressing over over-dramatic people. Stop stressing over weird assumptions. Stop stressing over nothing. Just do whatever feels good. Whatever gets a good result.
What others do or think is none of your beeswax.
Tomorrow I will float
On Sunday I will get in control.
And you probably don't understand a word I just said.