Friday, 24 October 2014

Out of Control



Life is feeling out of my control, and I'm not sure how to get everything back under my thumb. 

I got two bad grades today.

This whole semester feels like it's collapsing.

I haven't been cutting back on junk food, at all.

Friends?  They're great but why am I confused.

The fete tomorrow?

All those chores?

Sometimes I forget to eat breakfast.  That's never happened before.

Band?
Should I quit?
Why is it so difficult to just suck it up and join the conversation?

People are people.  They're no better or worse than me.  So why do they matter so much?

Do I even exercise anymore?

What's with the sudden fashion sense? 
I'm wearing the same shorts every weekend.
I'm wearing my jogging t-shirts.
I'm wearing black flats with everything.

What am I even doing?

I feel as if I'm floating.  Should I care more, or am I actually caring too much? 

What happened to the super organised M who had everything under control?  Who always knew which assessment was coming up, and when to prepare for it.  Who never ever procrastinated.  Who wrote to-do lists.  Who planned everything in her diary.  Who woke up at 7:30 without a fail.  Who didn't look at her phone until she was already on her way to school.  Who was satisfied.  Who wasn't even stressed.



Maybe I should disconnect, because my phone is ruining my life.  But I can't do that.  As well as causing angst, the phone is a source of ranting.  I rant and rant through texts, and it makes me feel better.

I think I need routine.  I need less distractions.  I need the to-do lists and the diaries and the non-procrastination.  I know I need to get rid of the phone and laptop, but I just can't say it.

Oh god I'm pathetic.

I need to get rid of my phone and laptop.

Just Sunday.



But maybe I should keep floating too.  I should float among the people, oblivious to their judgemental minds that probably aren't even judging me anyway.  It's better they make an opinion on me by what I say, than the fact that I'm not saying anything at all. 

It's better to stop stressing over stuff that isn't a problem.  Stop stressing over over-dramatic people.  Stop stressing over weird assumptions.  Stop stressing over nothing.  Just do whatever feels good.  Whatever gets a good result.

What others do or think is none of your beeswax.

Tomorrow I will float

On Sunday I will get in control.

And you probably don't understand a word I just said.

Love,
M

41 comments:

  1. Nope I totally understand every word you just said! Life is tough and confusing!
    -Margie

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    1. Well, I'm glad you understand Margie!!

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    2. Hang in there! High school + normal life as a teenager = really hard!
      -Margie

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    3. That is so true. Sighhh. But imagine how much harder it will be being grown up...

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    4. Oh, I know! I feel depressed just thinkin' about it... LOL
      -Margie

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    5. Don't wanna grow up :( Or maybe I do.. idk

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    6. I know! There's the "Oh yeah being 21 is gonna be so awesome!" and then "Can I just stay at home and get my bills paid for me and have my mom cook for me?" :/
      -Margie

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  2. I think everyone goes through this phase :/ I had it last week and I spent like, two whole hours of my life crying about it. But now I feel better. (so, personally, I suggest having a good cry with someone and talking it out)

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    1. Aw. I'm glad crying worked for you. I think we all have our ways of getting over moments like these. I'd say mine is ranting and maybe blogging too.

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  3. understanding what you just said? Ohhh yes. Haha. M, you actually articulately the confusion and cosmic chaos of life in a way that is perfect. "But maybe I should keep floating too. I should float among the people, oblivious to their judgemental minds that probably aren't even judging me anyway. It's better they make an opinion on me by what I say, than the fact that I'm not saying anything at all." < and that is profound and brilliant and something I need to think more about.

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    1. Thanks Katie! I'm glad you understand! And yeah, it is definitely something to think about, but I reckon acting on it is harder than it looks...

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  4. *Articulated x) I've been up since 5:30, can you tell? Haha

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    1. Aha no worries. Good on you for waking up early ;)

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  5. M, just keep hanging in there. Things are crazy right now, but I am positive they'll get better. Just take a deep breath and let your mind slow down.
    I know you can make it through this!
    ~Elizabeth at Confessions of a Teenage Writer

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    1. Thanks for the support Elizabeth! I'm sure I will ;) It's just a matter on acting on it that's all. About to check out your blog! xx

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  6. First year in high school, stressed.

    Not studying enough.

    Not eating enough.

    Isolated in a room with my schoolwork scattered across the floor.

    I know exactly how you feel. Working on the blog, coming home to do homework, studying for tests, and reading books for reviews can be a great hassle, but you're handling yourself very well. If it means anything, here is something that helps me calm down for a minute or two: Go lie down on your bed and think of all the things you must do. Start a little blueprint in your head about what's going on in your life. it only gets worse if you don't find a solution. And fast! I hope this helped and good luck with the troubles. I get what you're feeling.

    Alex @ The Book's Buzz

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    1. Thanks so much for this relatable comment Alex!! Balancing everything really is hard, and I think lying down and creating a plan of action, a nice little blueprint, sounds like the way to go!!

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  7. Girl, I totally understand you ! I guess in different periods of our lives, we go through that kind of moments. I am super organized as well, but sometimes, I am not serious at all (like not doing my assessments, not working out or eating bad stuff). I know I have to change some bad habits, but I don't. I guess we shouldn't put too much pressure on ourselves. I am a big fan of to-do lists as well, but I realized I could not control every single details of my life. Just relax and try to find a balance ;)

    Mathilde
    http://blissfully-yours-blog.blogspot.fr/

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    1. I'm so glad you understand Mathilde! It's just that being organised makes me feel in control, and without control everything feels like it's falling apart. But you're right about finding a balance. I can't control everything and it's time I relaxed and stopped worrying.

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  8. I've been through this. Keep calm, young girl. Everything will be fine. Maybe you're just having a hard time balancing everything. Take care of things one step at a time. Don't multi-task, because there's no such thing as multi-tasking. Pick whatever's more important than the rest and work on it first. Everything follows. Hope you'll feel better soon. :)

    Life With Antlers // A Personal Blog

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    1. Thanks Krista! Your time management tips are definitely something I need to do! You're completely right. Multi-tasking is a no no.

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  9. I completely understand!
    Life is difficult!

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    1. Glad you understand Jordy! It sure is.

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  10. I understand you, life can be a chaos

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    1. Thanks Nicole! It really can be.

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  11. sometimes life can be difficult but good too!

    Aly's Book ☮♥

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    1. Very true Jacklyn. Sometimes the difficulties are what makes life good. Checking out your blog now!

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  12. Sometimes I feel out of control too...sometimes I get sick and tired of getting myself back into control. Most of the time, I run away from the problems...that's why I've never been able to solve them.

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    1. Awh Juney. Don't run away. Whatever it is... words can solve anything. And if avoiding or ignoring the problem is the way to go, because whatever it is isn't really important (if it's grades I suggest you don't do this) it's okay to run away from it to expel it... as long as it doesn't chase you back.

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  13. I totally understand. Hang in there, just focus on small changes and things that make you happy. If it doesn't pass, please go talk to someone instead of letting yourself spiral
    Missie @ A Flurry of Ponderings

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    1. Thanks Missie! I definitely will talk to someone if things get that bad. But I think I'm okay :)

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  14. Incredible style and blog! :)

    I would like to invite you to my blog! I would be so happy if we support each other on GFC, Facebook and maybe Instagram! I will support you right back, just let me know!

    Blog | Facebook Page | Bloglovin | Instagram

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    1. Thanks Reneta! I'd love to follow each other on GFC... but my social media is strictly private. Except for Twitter. Find me @lyfoflittleme. Checking out your blog now xx

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  15. It's like you read my mind, then typed it up!

    Amazing blog! Love it!
    ~ Angelina

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    1. I'm glad you can relate Angelina ;)

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  16. I understand what you mean. My dad and sister are super clean and organized and I feel bad about not being that way. I do stress a lot about silly things, like how I interact with people. I have to realize that I just have to be nice and leave what people think of up to them. Thanks for the honest post! Hang in there. You seem like a very nice person:)

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    1. Thanks!! I reckon being kinda unorganised is a good thing. It's spontaneous, which I'm not. And that's definitely good advice! To be nice and let people think what they think. Haha usually people just focus on the last part, and the nice bit is what they forget. You seem like a nice person too :)

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  17. Totally understand what you are trying to deliver!! Been having Stress time myself as well. Everything just seems upside down!! I don't really know what I want or should do anymore!!
    Only thing for now is that I just trying to be HAPPY!! Hoping it will make me forget stressful things!!
    Hope you will be back in track soon!! Hang in there!
    http://chocochipchic.blogspot.com/

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    1. Happiness is definitely key, but highschool, juggling good grades and emotions... it's hard. Haha but thanks!! I'm definitely feeling better now, but my study schedule certainly isn't...
      I hope you get on track soon too! xx

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  18. M, you put into words more eloquently than I ever could exactly how my life is right now. Beautiful.
    http://totallygraced.blogspot.com

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    1. Aww. I'm glad Grace <3 Eloquently is actually such a beautiful word.

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