What defines a good or bad friend? Which one am I?
Friends are an important part of everyone's lives. They're a source of belonging, support, fun. They're meant to make your life better, to be someone you actually enjoy. And sometimes, well sometimes, it's difficult to tell whether they're a good friend or not. Sometimes you're friends with them out of habit. And I'm afraid that that's why my friends are friends with me.
Lately I've realised that I haven't been the best of friends, and I'm not sure if I even fit into the good friends category anymore. My friends haven't said anything, but that might just be because they're all definitely good friends. They're the best friends a girl could ask for, and I'm afraid I'm not being a good friend in return.
I've realised that I'm awfully selfish. I say a lot of stuff just about myself or my experiences, and sometimes I seem to forget to ask about theirs' or listen to them. Now, I may be paranoid. Maybe they're all talking about themselves too, and I'm being selfish and not even noticing. But that's just as bad. Sometimes I think I say things that are hurtful, but I don't realise they're hurtful until after I said it, because I'm too selfish to realise before. My selfishness can't be making their experience around me fun. In fact, I may just be the opposite of fun sometimes.
As for my friends, well they're not selfish at all. They don't seem to care much about how pretty they are, how many friends they have, how well they're doing, or any of the other super shallow stuff I care about. They seem to listen to everything and they've always got my back. They're most definitely enjoyable to be around and, well, I think I've got to be more like them. Selfishness is something I can try to change.
I've also been extremely stressful. All my comments about how bored I am, and my pestering on plans to meet up. I can only be making people stressed. One of my friends definitely was, although she didn't seem to think it was my fault. I think I am the one that made her stressed though. I think I kept pestering until she started calling and complaining about how hard it is to make plans with certain people too. She was completely understanding and completely relatable, but I'm the one that made her anxious, while she was sick with an ear infection might I add, and that makes me a bad friend. Meeting up should be a fun thing that you do if you can, and I made the whole planning process into an ugly experience that was really not worth all that anxiety.
And when you plan while completely anxious and adrenaline filled, sometimes you can mess things up.
It went from a sleepover that was cancelled, to a pool thing that I couldn't get a ride to, to a shopping trip that I could. All on the same day.
I did something awful and I feel really really bad. It probably doesn't sound bad, but you have no idea how much something like this can hurt a person, especially a good friend.
The girl who was meant to be having the pool thing but had to cancel it, she was at the mall. The same one we were shopping at. We had heard that she was there but we had just hoped that we wouldn't see her. I didn't want her to see me and think the wrong thing. I know I hadn't done anything wrong. I just hadn't been able to get a ride to her's, and I had been able to the mall. I wish I wasn't so worried and I were just a more honest person.
When we saw her mum I panicked. I ran straight out of the shop and of course her mum saw. Maybe she even saw. Gosh I am the worst. That is the worst thing I could do. We did go back after to say hi, and she didn't ask about it. She acted completely normal. She was too nice to be confronting, because she's a good friend. Later I did send her an apology and explanation text, which I really should have said to her face. I really should have just not run away and said it on the spot.
It seems all is forgiven but I still feel so bad. What if she's hurting? What if she's mad? What if she's too good a friend to say so? And the selfish part of me is wondering what her mum thinks of me, whether I'll ever be invited to her house again. Gosh I'm so selfish. I'm a terrible person.
So I'm really sorry to all my friends for being like this. Most of you probably aren't reading this, and I guess it's a good thing. I'm too embarrassed to admit how horrible I've been sometimes, unlike some of you who are more honest and courageous, and I promise I'll try to improve. Thanks for being the definition of good friends.