Wednesday, 10 September 2014
Alone in a Sea of People
Everyone seems to have that one activity or class that they dread, because none of their friends are there with them. For me that activity is band most of the time. As in, it depends on the blend of people that happen to be there. Most people eventually quit said activity if they can. But the thing is, I can't. First of all, my parents spent money buying me a trombone, and secondly, being in a band looks really good on your list of commitments at the end of the day.
Okay, so today was a really big walk through for a huge concert we have coming up. Sure I sat with people, but I didn't know most of them. In fact, I pretty much only knew one of them, which made the whole situation really uncomfortable. The whole area must have been filled with at least a hundred people, but I barely said a word. Some girl sat between me and the one person I knew, which really annoyed me but hey, what could I do? Then this group of guys sat next to us and they seemed to be friends with some of the girls we were sitting with. One of them was swearing really loudly and got into trouble. I was just sitting there self consciously.
This must have gone on for at least 15 minutes. The thing with sitting alone in a crowd of people is that every second drags on. It felt like an hour. While sitting there I was so self conscious. Could people tell I looked so alone? Would they think I'm a loner?
I also noticed every single other person sitting in the area. All of them were with at least somebody. There was a huge group of grade 8s, making me wish I were in grade 8 so I could sit with them. There were all the string instrument people, making me wish I played the violin so I could sit with someone I knew over there. There was a group of phone obsessed grade 10s, making me wish I brought my phone. The group that made me feel most pathetic though, was the group of people in my grade, sitting with a bunch of guys. You should know that people I don't know make me uncomfortable. And since I go to an all girls school, I don't know any of the guys. I doubt I would have gone to sit with those girls anyway though. They're all in the next band and I don't sit with their group out of habit, only individually occasionally. Doing something I wouldn't normally do makes me really nervous. I'm too shy and intimidated.
That's the thing with sitting alone. You feel completely and utterly pathetic, either wishing you were someone else, or somewhere else.
Basically, in band I'm just quiet. I know people, but they know other people too. Since I'm so quiet, I guess these people would rather talk to someone being less quiet. I'm not sure how band became like this. Maybe it's the boys, or maybe it's just been this way since grade 7, back when I didn't know anybody and probably made a bad first impression. The thing is, in year 7 I used to be part of that grade group with the guys. I guess everyone just moved to a different band, or maybe they realised I was much too quiet during band. Either way, band is where I'm most quiet, and I seem to have been for a while. I guess it's just become a habit.
Since I can't quit, the way I see it, I have two options. I can either talk more and become more confident, or I can suck it up and be alone. Honestly, option one sounds better, but it's easier said than done. What's going to happen is after this concert, auditions for bands are happening, and I sincerely hope I'll be moving to the next band. I guess that once I'm there I'm going to have to gain some confidence and talk to people there. I can start with the ones I already know, and slowly work my way through to the other people they know.
Hopefully I will actually go through with this and not stay silent, leaving me to endure another year of misery. Things do change in a year. I mean, last year I enjoyed this very same concert. I remember sitting with all the musicians up in the balcony, including some of my band friends (who've all quit now). Maybe by next year I'll have some new band friends...