Wednesday, 10 September 2014

Alone in a Sea of People



Everyone seems to have that one activity or class that they dread, because none of their friends are there with them.  For me that activity is band most of the time.  As in, it depends on the blend of people that happen to be there.  Most people eventually quit said activity if they can.  But the thing is, I can't.  First of all, my parents spent money buying me a trombone, and secondly, being in a band looks really good on your list of commitments at the end of the day.

Okay, so today was a really big walk through for a huge concert we have coming up.  Sure I sat with people, but I didn't know most of them.  In fact, I pretty much only knew one of them, which made the whole situation really uncomfortable.  The whole area must have been filled with at least a hundred people, but I barely said a word.  Some girl sat between me and the one person I knew, which really annoyed me but hey, what could I do?  Then this group of guys sat next to us and they seemed to be friends with some of the girls we were sitting with.  One of them was swearing really loudly and got into trouble.  I was just sitting there self consciously.

This must have gone on for at least 15 minutes.  The thing with sitting alone in a crowd of people is that every second drags on.  It felt like an hour.  While sitting there I was so self conscious.  Could people tell I looked so alone?  Would they think I'm a loner?

I also noticed every single other person sitting in the area.  All of them were with at least somebody.  There was a huge group of grade 8s, making me wish I were in grade 8 so I could sit with them.  There were all the string instrument people, making me wish I played the violin so I could sit with someone I knew over there.  There was a group of phone obsessed grade 10s, making me wish I brought my phone.  The group that made me feel most pathetic though, was the group of people in my grade, sitting with a bunch of guys.  You should know that people I don't know make me uncomfortable.  And since I go to an all girls school, I don't know any of the guys.  I doubt I would have gone to sit with those girls anyway though.  They're all in the next band and I don't sit with their group out of habit, only individually occasionally.  Doing something I wouldn't normally do makes me really nervous.  I'm too shy and intimidated.

That's the thing with sitting alone.  You feel completely and utterly pathetic, either wishing you were someone else, or somewhere else. 

Basically, in band I'm just quiet.  I know people, but they know other people too.  Since I'm so quiet, I guess these people would rather talk to someone being less quiet.  I'm not sure how band became like this.  Maybe it's the boys, or maybe it's just been this way since grade 7, back when I didn't know anybody and probably made a bad first impression.  The thing is, in year 7 I used to be part of that grade group with the guys.  I guess everyone just moved to a different band, or maybe they realised I was much too quiet during band.  Either way, band is where I'm most quiet, and I seem to have been for a while.  I guess it's just become a habit.

Since I can't quit, the way I see it, I have two options.  I can either talk more and become more confident, or I can suck it up and be alone.  Honestly, option one sounds better, but it's easier said than done.  What's going to happen is after this concert, auditions for bands are happening, and I sincerely hope I'll be moving to the next band.  I guess that once I'm there I'm going to have to gain some confidence and talk to people there.  I can start with the ones I already know, and slowly work my way through to the other people they know. 

Hopefully I will actually go through with this and not stay silent, leaving me to endure another year of misery.  Things do change in a year.  I mean, last year I enjoyed this very same concert.  I remember sitting with all the musicians up in the balcony, including some of my band friends (who've all quit now).  Maybe by next year I'll have some new band friends...

Love,
M

14 comments:

  1. Aww... I hate that feeling of loneliness too...:(
    M, I've nominated you for the summer rewind tag!!:)
    The Journeys' of my beating heart

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    1. Thanks ;) I commented on your blog. And yeah it sucks :(

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  2. Dear M, I used to feel self conscious about being alone too but I think it is with age that you become really comfortable with yourself and won't let that bother you anymore. That said, I'm sure you'll make some new friends in the band very soon x

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    1. Thanks. I really hope I grow comfortable with myself soon then. I certainly hope I do... but I guess it's all in my control...

      The Life of Little Me

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  3. I TOTALLY feel you!! This was me for a lot of last year when we moved. . .it's super hard and there's really no easy way around it besides to, yeah, just be comfortable with who you are and not find your value in how other people see you. I'll keep you in my prayers--stay close to Jesus! Also, being on the outside can be awesome for people observation and therefore awesome for writing =)

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    1. Haha yeah I'm pretty amazing at people observation during band ;) Thanks so much!

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  4. fajny blog :) zapraszam do obserwowania i odwiedzania http://wonderfulneed.blogspot.com/ ! :D

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    1. Sorry. I don't understand. But I'm checking out your blog right now xx

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  5. I feel you. I am a generally quiet person, and with a bunch of kids I don't know well I get really shy and kind of unapproachable. It's no fun. :(

    Hope you can get your confidence up!

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    1. It is no fun :( But hey, confidence is key right? So I hope I do too

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  6. This post is like telling my life story! This happens to me fairly often - even around my friends. I'm sure that once you open up a little more (yeah, it'll be difficult), things will start to turn around. I wish you the best of luck with improving this situation! :)x

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    1. Aw thank you. Sometimes I wish people would be the one to approach you. But you know, they won't unless you approach them. Generally people are pretty nice though. I wish you the best of luck too!

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  7. Exactly. My life. I guess I'll take the initiative and actually talk to people I don't really know at some point but...can't it be tomorrow?

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    1. Haha too true. But I think I've gotten better with band now... It's actually been pretty enjoyable.

      Glad people relate ;)

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